What makes me feel weird in therapy:
Being a survivor of sexual abuse and being in therapy with a man who molested his sister. Being a survivor of various kinds of assault and being in therapy with perpetrators of assault.
Tonight marks the end of month one of my therapy. Three and a half months left to go. Tuesday is my family interview with my mom and my sister who will participate by phone. I am both slightly scared and looking forward to this. It will either serve to resolve some issues or it will create a rift that may be irreparable with both of them.
I am rather upset that therapists keep asking me if I will invite my brother - the one who molested me - to a family interview. I keep telling them that I don't know. Before the guy I mentioned up above who molested his sister leaves in two weeks, I'm hoping to be able to do a role-play with him - his sister won't talk to him, either. He seems like a nice man, but I obviously have some issues with his past - which are more issues that have to do with my past. Perhaps if I get a chance to role-play with him, I'll have a better idea if I want to invite my brother to the family interview with my father. At this point, I cannot see that I will be ready for that. I can understand the possible validity of meeting with an abuser in a safe place, but I do not know if I am ready or if I even want to do that. I was told that because he molested me, I would not have to invite him - that was when I was first at the U for intake sessions; now I'm being urged to invite him. I'm not happy about that.
Twice this past week in therapy I have been close to actually crying - which for me is a huge thing as I generally don't cry, just the same way I don't get angry. The first time was during a role-play in drama (we had to produce a "snapshot" using members of the group as people in our life that we had angry/stressful/fearful events with) and as soon as the therapist mentioned it, the tears dried up. I was talking about how my mother used to make me go to a nudist camp despite me screaming and crying - this was while we were still living with the man and his sons who mistreated/abused me - and I felt tears but promptly switched focus to how that affected my older brother and sister instead of how it affected me. I am feeling very angry that I do that to myself.
I also realized today in group how much pride I placed in the fact that so few people in my life have ever seen me even a little bit mad. It's a sick, weird kind of pride because holding that anger and rage in made me sick - and it also gave people in my life a weird kind of control over relationships with me. They could do almost anything because I won't display anger in the moment and often not at all. I often swallow it, stuff it way far down and simply smile and say it's okay. But it isn't. It is not okay that I was not permitted to feel things when I was growing up. It is not okay that my own father teased me when I got angry or sad. It is not okay that I was not allowed to think for myself. It is not okay that my parents didn't protect me and nurture me. And it is not okay that I still feel like a child when I speak with my father. A lot of things are not okay, which sounds so calm when really they're downright fucking wrong, and I'm trying hard to accept that. I am trying hard to accept that I feel these things - and that it is okay and normal and even right to feel these things.
I am very lonely right now. I have drifted far from most of the people I called friends. I have effectively ended an 8 year, borderline abusive, highly unhealthy relationship - I should feel happy about that, but I feel very sad. I wonder if I'll ever connect again. Even though I sit through groups with multiple people, I feel so alone. I am
ultimately alone. My relationship with my mother is very sick and toxic. I don't have a relationship with my father to speak of. I don't have friends that I feel I can turn to anymore. Tonight, I want to just give up. I want to just let go.