Eternally Flawed (serawench) wrote in _survivors_,
Eternally Flawed

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So, I'm nearing the end of my first month of an outpatient treatment program - I start week four on Tuesday night (Monday is a holiday here). While therapy itself is interesting, I'm still nowhere near actually connecting to my emotions when I speak about my history.

I've mentioned my childhood abuse several times in group therapy, both in large group (25+ ppl) and small group (8 ppl) and each time I'm struck by how little emotion seems to be behind it. Even mentioning the rapes that occurred in my 20's brings forth nothing - others get more angry than I do over the treatment I received. I wonder if I ever will get in touch with things - so far, I've shown anger in group when we did some drama around mother's day, but that's about it. One of the veterans who's already completed told me she wishes she could stay till the end of my time in the program so she could see me cry - she didn't mean it in a bad way, she was hopeful that I'd be able to actually let go of something.

On May 27th, I will have the first of two family interviews. This one will be with my mother, and possibly my sister,provided she ever responds to me. I will likely also have one with my father, which is a bit of a surprise on many fronts. I heard from him when he wanted to relay some rather unimportant information to me and decided to take the plunge and tell him I'm in therapy, again, and also that my older brother molested me. He was shockingly supportive about the therapy once I told him that I am literally fighting for my life -and equally shockingly angry that my brother molested me. He agreed to participate in a family interview - and agreed that it might only be him as my stepmother has a huge issue with psychotherapy of any kind (she figures it's a phase and I will just grow out of it - she's been saying that since I was 12). I plan to talk to my mother about how sad and angry I am about how she's treated me since she "found religion"when I was 12; about how sad I feel that she abandoned me to my father.My sister will hear some of the same things around religion, along with her inability to follow through with keeping in touch. I am anxious about this, but the one with my father is more anxiety-causing. I talked to him just over a week ago and haven't heard from him since,which is typical. Oh, the therapists are urging me to invite my older brother - the one who molested me and my sister - to a family interview. I don't think so.

I was slated to go to California to go visit someone who keeps telling me he loves me, but refuses to commit. After 8 years of him doing this, of him being borderline abusive and downright degrading me (encouraging me to be promiscuous after I was raped and mistreated by the police so he could hear the stories), I have little trust for him. I brought it up my second week in group and got good feedback and finally realized that my therapy and getting better is more important (by miles) than going to see someone who treats me as a non-person for the most part, so I decided not to go. Of course, telling him this resulted in the typical running away that he'sso good at. He tells me he loves me and wants me to get better, but the instant I take steps to do that, he goes silent. I realized that if he wouldn't commit in 8 years, one 3 day weekend wouldn't change anything. I'm sad, but I know I have finally made a sane decision when it comes to him.

Going through therapy has increased my desire to hurt myself, but I haven't cut myself yet. I have been picking my skin much more than usual, and that's usually a harbinger of worse actions to follow. But, I've made 5.5 months without drawing blood and I am determined to keep that going. I still think about killing myself almost every day. My psychiatrist doesn't seem to think I'm depressed,just suffering from BPD and PTSD, so I'm not on medication (considering most meds I've tried in the last 11 years haven't really worked, I'm kind of okay with that). This week, I will have to bring up how suicidal I've been feeling in group. That won't be easy.

I am on stress-leave from work until September. At this point, taking care of myself is getting harder and harder. My house is a gross mess, which makes me feel worse. Other than seeing people from group M-F, I am alone. I've also been suffering from an extended, extra heavy period that's causing light-headedness, weakness, dizziness, tiredness and headaches that is really draining. It's the third cycle that's gone on for 3+ weeks and when I called the nurses' information line last week, I was told to go to the ER for bloodwork, but of course, I haven't gone. I may be tired, and dizzy, but I'm not dying. The biggest worry for the nurse I spoke with is my history of anemia, which I'm pretty sure is being compounded by this extra-long bleed. Oh, I am also on the pill continually for endometriosis - which obviously isn't working, so I'm in a lot of pain.

I'm seeking a new family doctor/general practitioner as soon as I'm off stress-leave because my current doctor is ineffective in getting anything done - and I have a hard time staying angry at him when I rightfully should be because I still have a school-girl crush on him. I almost didn't get paid from my disability claim because his staff misinformed me about how the form required from him needed to be filled out. I've also yet to receive three referrals -a neurologist (there's a history of ALS in my family and I'm having problems walking still - almost a year since I first started tripping), an ObGyn and a psychiatrist (who I actually have a name and number for,but I still don't have an appointment and it's been almost a year sinceI requested it). The biggest problem with finding a new doctor in my city? Actually finding one who's taking new patients! So, either I stick with a doctor I have an emotional hang-up on and who has no control over his office staff, or I visit the five doctors in the 50k radius of my house that are accepting patients and see if I can find one I like.

I hope everyone here is doing well. *hugs* to you who need it. Thanks for reading.
Tags: abuse: csa, abuse: emotional, abuse: incest, abuse: sibling, doctor appt, family, rape, therapy

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