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followng up on last post 
16th-May-2008 09:49 pm
This may be the post embarrassing thing I have ever posted in my life.  I've mostly kept this to myself because I'm really ashamed of what I do...

I masturbate, and I know this is normal to a certain extent.  However, I always feel the need to masturbate when I think, watch anything, or read about physical child abuse. I mean, when I see parents spank their kids, I do not feel anything.  Only if it is extreme and clearly abusive in movies, or hear about it in song lyrics, or just thinking about it.   When I am alone at night, I often masturbate with these thoughts run through my head in different scenarios.  It is in no way a sexual fantasy and it does not "sexually arouse me." I just find comfort in masturbating when I think about those certain things.  It gives me a feeling of relief because it is coupled with anxiety.  I was physically abused as a child, but I do not think it has anything to do with it...  It's not like I enjoyed the abuse at any point, and I have no idea why I masturbate when I think about it. I have been doing this since I was eight years old. Intense images run through my head, and at that moment, I just masturbate. Clearly, this is not normal.  I don't know if this is supposed to be a coping method or what.  I don't think I could ever go to a therapist and ask about it though because I find it disgusting and disturbing.

I think I would have turned out fine even if I was beaten normally, if that makes any sense.  But my punishments consisted of my head being rammed against the wall, bloody noses, verbal abuse, and hair-pulling.  And tape over my mouth when I had a cold once for being annoying.

Eh, I always think I'm over it, until it's night, and then it's a constant reminder that it will be a long time if ever, that I'll be normal.   
(Deleted comment)
17th-May-2008 02:35 am (UTC)
it really helps to know that someone else does it...i felt like some kind of freak...thanks for letting me know i'm not alone.


take care.
17th-May-2008 04:51 am (UTC) - (my reply will contain triggers for rape)
I'm replying to this comment so you can both see my reply.

I know that with rape survivors, physical pleasure or orgasming while it's happening is a means of self-defense - both to prevent physical harm from the act and to try to lessen the emotional trauma of it.

I imagine that masturbation, which gives an endorphine release would be another way our body would compulsively try to help us relieve the intense stress at seeing something so triggering.

I have what seems like a sexual reaction to very specific triggers of mine, and my therapist gave me this advice: look at the trigger and the urge to masturbate as separate entities. The trigger caused intense stress. The masturbation relieves stress. Of course one would follow the other. Focusing on their separation can help you remember that you're not being turned on by the abuse. It's nothing to be ashamed of.

Until there's another quick way to get stress relief, you're likely to have that compulsion. For me, I found getting up and going for a walk helped relieve that compulsion quite a bit.
18th-May-2008 08:41 am (UTC)
Is your icon Kathryn Morris( Homicide Detective Lilly Rush from Cold Case)? it's one of my fav shows! :)
(Deleted comment)
22nd-May-2008 12:33 am (UTC)
Awesome... LOVE her! :)
(Deleted comment)
17th-May-2008 04:19 am (UTC)
I think that makes a lot of sense.
17th-May-2008 03:13 am (UTC)
I watched The Boys of Saint Vincent's, which is a TV movie about sexual abuse at a Catholic boys' orphanage. The abuse scenes are graphic, and I masturbated during the commercials. Also, I sometimes put my fingers on myself (not really masturbating, just touching) when reading about abuse. It does indeed seem to be, not arousal, but just a compulsion.
17th-May-2008 04:13 am (UTC)
I think it's incredibly brave what you just posted
I wish I had some advice
but I just wanted to share
that you're not alone
as a child I would do the same (started right after my CSA)

-safe hugs-
17th-May-2008 06:50 am (UTC)
thanks for posting this, I too have the same feelings and just been too scared to ask or say anything about it. Its comforting to know I am not alone.
18th-May-2008 02:37 am (UTC)
I just wanted to let you know that I do this too, and that it's not at all a rare thing among survivors. It took a tremendous amount of guts (and a bit of dissociation) but I was finally able to tell my therapist that I did this in October or so and he really helped me to feel okay about it.

I think this is one of those things where, when you find out that you're absolutely not in the minority here, you'll feel better. I think if you look through the archives here, you might even find a post of mine about it or other members talking about the same thing.

What sistahraven wrote is also very helpful; I would second her advice to see it as two separate impulses. Whatever you do, don't beat yourself up or blame yourself for it. I think it's a natural reaction, considering what we've been through.

*big hugs*
18th-May-2008 08:39 am (UTC)
All I can say is don't feel bad, nobody knows what "normal" is anymore...huggzz, if ya wanna them:)
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