Wouldn't you like to know? (sunnybeaches85) wrote in _survivors_,
Wouldn't you like to know?

followng up on last post

This may be the post embarrassing thing I have ever posted in my life.  I've mostly kept this to myself because I'm really ashamed of what I do...

I masturbate, and I know this is normal to a certain extent.  However, I always feel the need to masturbate when I think, watch anything, or read about physical child abuse. I mean, when I see parents spank their kids, I do not feel anything.  Only if it is extreme and clearly abusive in movies, or hear about it in song lyrics, or just thinking about it.   When I am alone at night, I often masturbate with these thoughts run through my head in different scenarios.  It is in no way a sexual fantasy and it does not "sexually arouse me." I just find comfort in masturbating when I think about those certain things.  It gives me a feeling of relief because it is coupled with anxiety.  I was physically abused as a child, but I do not think it has anything to do with it...  It's not like I enjoyed the abuse at any point, and I have no idea why I masturbate when I think about it. I have been doing this since I was eight years old. Intense images run through my head, and at that moment, I just masturbate. Clearly, this is not normal.  I don't know if this is supposed to be a coping method or what.  I don't think I could ever go to a therapist and ask about it though because I find it disgusting and disturbing.

I think I would have turned out fine even if I was beaten normally, if that makes any sense.  But my punishments consisted of my head being rammed against the wall, bloody noses, verbal abuse, and hair-pulling.  And tape over my mouth when I had a cold once for being annoying.

Eh, I always think I'm over it, until it's night, and then it's a constant reminder that it will be a long time if ever, that I'll be normal.   
Tags: abuse: child, masturbation
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