This may be the post embarrassing thing I have ever posted in my life. I've mostly kept this to myself because I'm really ashamed of what I do...
I masturbate, and I know this is normal to a certain extent. However, I always feel the need to masturbate when I think, watch anything, or read about physical child abuse. I mean, when I see parents spank their kids, I do not feel anything. Only if it is extreme and clearly abusive in movies, or hear about it in song lyrics, or just thinking about it. When I am alone at night, I often masturbate with these thoughts run through my head in different scenarios. It is in no way a sexual fantasy and it does not "sexually arouse me." I just find comfort in masturbating when I think about those certain things. It gives me a feeling of relief because it is coupled with anxiety. I was physically abused as a child, but I do not think it has anything to do with it... It's not like I enjoyed the abuse at any point, and I have no idea why I masturbate when I think about it. I have been doing this since I was eight years old. Intense images run through my head, and at that moment, I just masturbate. Clearly, this is not normal. I don't know if this is supposed to be a coping method or what. I don't think I could ever go to a therapist and ask about it though because I find it disgusting and disturbing.
I think I would have turned out fine even if I was beaten normally, if that makes any sense. But my punishments consisted of my head being rammed against the wall, bloody noses, verbal abuse, and hair-pulling. And tape over my mouth when I had a cold once for being annoying.
Eh, I always think I'm over it, until it's night, and then it's a constant reminder that it will be a long time if ever, that I'll be normal.