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_Survivors_
A safe space to share stories and ask questions
Difficult Times 
12th-May-2008 11:36 pm
bloodytears
I was sitting being very confused in my room and this poem popped out of my head. Sometimes my thoughts are more organized through writing then speaking. 
just bought myself a pregnancy test that I will use tomorrow to see if I'm pregnant from a sexual assault. my period is late it's been 2 weeks now.  I was recently hospitalized and my medications for psychiatric reasons were increased.  That alone could make me late and sometimes I am late  naturally. But I was raped again after I got out of the hospital for severe depression and I am now worried I could be pregnant. I hope not but if I am I don't think I can keep the baby I'm only 22 and I am to young and have trouble with my own self at times. The guy who raped me still contacts me and I try not to answer when I know it's him calling but if he shows up here it's harder to ignore. I freeze and lose control I can't do anything I feel like a child. I was sexually abused as a child and  my rapist did the same thing he is 20 years older then me and I felt like a child again. Is that normal??? anyways that's my story for now...



This poem represents my feelings:


Shattered Innocence

 

You took away my dignity. You took away my pride.

Most of my days now, are spent weeping silently inside.

 

I thought I could be stronger, I thought talking meant defeat.

When I try to open up I feel like you have me beat.

 

So much inner turmoil, so much inner pain,

It’s a wonder how this shattered soul hasn’t gone insane.

 

You told me that you’d hurt me if I said too much,

So I let you do your will, and felt your awful touch.

 

You said you’ll always be there, and will never go away.

The memories that you gave me terrify me to this day.



Comments 
13th-May-2008 08:03 pm (UTC)
On a mod note, hun, the poem needs to be under a cut, too, as it's triggering. If it's not under a cut in an hour, I'll repost it for you.

No matter what happens if you're pregnant or not, we're here to support you.
13th-May-2008 09:26 pm (UTC) - Thanks
Hi,
Thanks for telling me I would not want to trigger anyone I forgot to put the poem under the ljcut it's cut now though :)
*hugs*
Andrea
14th-May-2008 11:07 am (UTC)
((safe hugs))
I can relate to what you said - about "freezing" and not defending yourself, and feeling again like a child.

I went through something similar - I have been repeatedly molested by my own father as a child. This caused me to take for granted that I should always accept what was happening to me, no matter what, even if I loathed it, no matter how disgusting it was to me. Later in my life, this "dogma" caused me to be a victim of rape and abuse again, by complete strangers, because once in their hands, I felt like a doll or little child anyone could do what it pleased them with, and I didn't dare to put up a struggle.

I've been in psychiatric rehabilitation for several months now, and it really helped me put my life back to pieces. I've been assaulted again recently, and my reaction was completely different: not only I saved myself, but (hopefully) taught the guys who attacked me a good lesson.

There's nothing wrong with the way you feel - don't blame yourself. Nobody has a right to hurt you, no matter whether you actually put up a physical struggle or not. I just wanted to stress that I went through something similar, I understand the way you feel and felt.

If you need anyone to talk to, we're here.
14th-May-2008 03:20 pm (UTC)
*safe hugs* I do the freeze up thing, too. It's taken me years to even get a small grip on my reaction and make myself act in a way that's healthy for me (ie not answering the phone, replying to mean letters, etc. from my abuser). It's very hard and takes a long time to build up the courage to not freeze up, but you are not alone.

I hope your test comes out the way you hope, but no matter what it says, we're all here for you to support you through this.
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