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I made a post a few days ago about being terrified about coming… 
5th-May-2008 01:21 pm

I made a post a few days ago about being terrified about coming home. It's been ok, but steadily going down hill. Friday afternoon I got here and my parents haven't left yet. My mom and I kind of bonded by showing me my baby clothes. Then she started in with the manipulating. She told me to do something while their gone. I have a lot planned already and I'm already doing things for her on top of this. I politely said "no." and she said "if you love you mother you will." I said something in response, but I don't remember what it was. She then said "who's taking care of you? [financially]" Maybe I make too big a deal out of these things, but it was the first time I kind of stood up for myself. Then that night she was drunk and I did my best to dissociate myself from the situation and tell myself it isn't MY place to have to take care of my mom as I have since I was 12.

My parents left Saturday morning. Since then I've binged and purged more than once each day. Mostly habit and because I'm alone and can "take advantage." I'm afraid to go downstairs alone still so my girlfriend said she'd stay on the phone with me as I go down. Well last night she asked if I could just call her after I fed the birds downstairs because it was loud. I agreed, but since I went down alone in the "area" I started dissociating and getting flashbacks. It wasn't that long or that bad, but still it bothers me that just going into the space triggers that response and I have no control over it.

Starting late last night I started to become manic. Couldn't get to sleep even though I was exhausted. Woke up a few hours later wired. Having SOO many projects I want to do, but I couldn't go fast enough, do them all at once, nor keep my attention on one thing more than 5-10 minutes and I was getting really frustrated. My brain was going a mile a minute. I've found a pattern for my bi-polarness. If I'm feeling strong emotions and then I start to ignore them or I'm ignoring them the entire time then the mania starts. I'm not sure how it's connected, but that's what happens every time.

I've binged and purged once already today and want to again. There is another thing in the mix now. I have an intense urge to cut myself or even burn, that I've never done before. Throughout the day these feelings have built up. I have such intense hatred towards myself. I'm an ungly, fat, used piece of shit and I deserve the punishment. I was also having other thoughts. No intentions on acting on them, but my brain was telling me what I could do to kill myself while here. I don't have the heart to tell my girlfriend, but I promised I'd tell her if I'm having urges or anything. I just don't want her to worry though, but I need someone to talk to.

I don't know what to do right now...

Anyone available to talk to on AIM?
5th-May-2008 08:42 pm (UTC)
My AIM is ZieraSnowLeopard. I'm headed to dinner in a bit but message me any time you need and we can talk. If I'm away, please leave a message :)
5th-May-2008 09:53 pm (UTC)
I'm back, if you want to IM.
6th-May-2008 05:04 am (UTC)
I have a lot of bedtime-related triggers and I can get manic then, too. I don't know why there's a connection (and I don't have bipolar), but I have that connection, too. Maybe it's a distraction thing? Keep the mind over-busy so we can't dwell on stuff? I haven't quite figured it out, either.

Good for you for standing up for yourself. It's not an easy thing to do. Neither is going through such a triggering environment, and you did it well. You were able to go through there alone at all - that shows how much strength you have. It's okay that you don't have control over the triggers yet. One step at a time, and you took a HUGE step in going through there alone.

My husband (druidwolf) tells me that he'd rather "know his enemies than fear the ones he does not know" in regards to my self harm or suicidal urges. Pretty much, he worries more if he doesn't know what's going on than when he knows what I'm going through and can face it head on. Sometimes, remembering that is the only way I *can* tell him and know it's okay to.

I'm very rarely on AIM these days, but if I am, I'm on as survivormod, so feel free to add me.
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