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Going Home... 
30th-Apr-2008 08:49 pm

Friday morning I wake up early to drive 2 hours north to go home. I'll be around my parents only one night at the most. I'm not going home tomorrow evening or that makes it another night of my mom being drunk and i cannot handle it again. Aside from that I'm completely freaking out with panic attacks and I am just terrified. Of what exactly? I do not know and that's part of my issue and confusion. Two times ago home (thanksgiving) abuse took place by a family friend. I dissociated and hurt myself then. I went home a few days for Christmas, but I was in such denial and wasn't even thinking about the Thanksgiving incident. Since then I've had major flashbacks and stuff and I'm just terrified to go back. HE won't be there and neither will my mom (they leave the Saturday at the latest for a week). I'm only there to watch and take care of the animals. I have to go down into the basement and my room (where the events took place) daily and I don't want to. Just thinking about it makes flashbacks occur. There is such bad energy in the house that I sense before I get to the house, but even more so once I'm inside. I'm not the only one that feels it either. I'm terrified of being alone and a bit paranoid. I'm afraid I'll use the self-injury and eating disorder even more than I do now since I'll be alone 24/7 and I CAN. That and the fact that since I was 15 every day in that house I'd binge and purge, even during Thanksgiving and Christmas times this year. Just...habit I guess or just coping mechanism or both...who knows.

I'm just scared. A asked me what is the worst that can happen? Technically nothing, but that doesn't remove the fact that I'm terrified. Almost in tears and wanting to fall into a puddle crying that I don't want to go.

I just can't explain the depth of this fear and that's frustrating to me :(

Any words of wisdom or advice??
1st-May-2008 06:58 am (UTC)
I think it's completely normal to have that level of fear, even if there isn't a logical way out of that fear. So much happened to you there, and you have to be there alone, with no one to support you or to keep you out of b/p cycles. I'd be upset and scared, too.

The last time I went to my parents house, it was for less than an hour and I was messed up for a good couple days.

Maybe try to bring as many things as you can which remind you of places you feel safe. Anything that can ground you, help you remember safer places and people can be a big help when facing an environment that is stock full of triggers.
1st-May-2008 02:56 pm (UTC)
thank you. I guess I'll bring pictures of my girlfriend and stuff. My cats will be there so I won't be completely alone, but still, it's scary to go back there. I told my dad I wasn't coming home again with my mom there. I wouldn't be going home if she was there the entire time. Sorry, went on a tangent!
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