Okay guys, I am reading this book-The Survivor's Guide to Sex by Staci Haines. I just finished the chapter on Masturbation. Dude-I am so edgy right now due to this damn chapter! I am not having fun. So, I thought, I'll talk to you guys-because you guys care about me anyways, and maybe have had the same issues. I'm so glad we all have each other!
*sigh* This sucks. I thought I was all good on sex, and that I was doing great. Last night was not so great-and I do get triggered sometimes, but for the most part, I figured I was doing fantastic. And now, I am so blech. I'm all angry, and wanting to just not have any female parts-like-at all. I don't really wanna hurt myself, but I don't don't wanna be a part of myself. It's so tiring. Blech.
Do you guys struggle with this? I was able to be sexual with my boyfriend when I saw him, but I have a hard time with anyone treating me nicely-like hugging on me, kissing me-in front of other people, and I can't be nice to myself. I don't want people to be mean to me, just neutral. Like I am.
When I do masturbate (which isn't the last few days or so) I am just out to come, and then done. Then I just want to disappear. I hide under my covers or start a movie to get my mind off of whatever I might be thinking. And it's always a battle not to hurt myself when I masturbate. I always want to just use a knife, and slice up my clit instead of touching it, ya know?
I'm sorry if this is too graphic or scary. I just don't know why I feel this way. I don't know why it's hard now. I'm wondering why I could be with Preston over spring break, and now I can't even be with myself. And the things that seemed small and "no big deal" over spring break-the issues Preston and I did have sexually, should I look more into them now, before we are together again? And how much do I tell him? And how much do I keep to myself? Or tell doctors/therapists? Or tell you guys? I don't know where to draw lines...I don't want to hurt anyone, and I just want to figure out what to do. I hate this.