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Okay guys, I am reading this book-The Survivor's Guide to Sex by… 
13th-Apr-2005 02:58 pm
Brittany the Chipette!


Okay guys, I am reading this book-The Survivor's Guide to Sex by Staci Haines. I just finished the chapter on Masturbation. Dude-I am so edgy right now due to this damn chapter! I am not having fun. So, I thought, I'll talk to you guys-because you guys care about me anyways, and maybe have had the same issues. I'm so glad we all have each other!

*sigh* This sucks. I thought I was all good on sex, and that I was doing great. Last night was not so great-and I do get triggered sometimes, but for the most part, I figured I was doing fantastic. And now, I am so blech. I'm all angry, and wanting to just not have any female parts-like-at all. I don't really wanna hurt myself, but I don't don't wanna be a part of myself. It's so tiring. Blech.

Do you guys struggle with this? I was able to be sexual with my boyfriend when I saw him, but I have a hard time with anyone treating me nicely-like hugging on me, kissing me-in front of other people, and I can't be nice to myself. I don't want people to be mean to me, just neutral. Like I am.

When I do masturbate (which isn't the last few days or so) I am just out to come, and then done. Then I just want to disappear. I hide under my covers or start a movie to get my mind off of whatever I might be thinking. And it's always a battle not to hurt myself when I masturbate. I always want to just use a knife, and slice up my clit instead of touching it, ya know?

I'm sorry if this is too graphic or scary. I just don't know why I feel this way. I don't know why it's hard now. I'm wondering why I could be with Preston over spring break, and now I can't even be with myself. And the things that seemed small and "no big deal" over spring break-the issues Preston and I did have sexually, should I look more into them now, before we are together again? And how much do I tell him? And how much do I keep to myself? Or tell doctors/therapists? Or tell you guys? I don't know where to draw lines...I don't want to hurt anyone, and I just want to figure out what to do. I hate this.

Comments 
13th-Apr-2005 04:29 pm (UTC)
it's okay. i have day (weeks...months...) like that. it's all kinda random. good one moment, awful the next. it's normal! so relax and don't try to reason it out or beat yourself up over it, just encourage yourself. celebrate the fact that you're trying to overcome and learn self pleasure and such. i own that book and i work through it over and over again. it will really help you in the long run. just keep working through it little by little. practice what it says. it's really good. just stay safe. if you feel it getting to intense...take a break for a bit and breathe...go do something else like make cookies or something you enjoy...think of something nonsexual...like a cute cuddly kitten or something... take a break. come back to it later. you have no need to rush! but don't give up the book altogether...that has been the most helpful thing to me thus far in my healing. it is good! btw... it will recommend you to get a vibrator or other sex toys to try out and get comfortable with... i just received mine in the mail today. i tried one of them...like you my focus was just to orgasm...but sometimes i am out just to learn to feel... and i will get that with my new toy eventually. this thing is awesome though... Kama Sutra Xtreme Flutter Vibe. i can't find a link to it, oddly, but it's cool. is a little skinnier than a real guy, but is thick enough to learn with for sure...it takes time getting it in for me. i bought several sizes/types to learn with... so i think that will help. i also recommend buying some lube if you're gonna try successful masturbation... and i just tried WET Original and it doesn't get sticky at all and is very light...great stuff. my fav so far! but don't condemn yourself...enjoy yourself...you have no shame in that! and know that you are not alone. we are much alike actually. i hope you master lots in that book. you deserve it!
13th-Apr-2005 05:15 pm (UTC)
I hatehatehatehate HATE strange men talking to me, guys I know acting 'suspicious' (it's suspicious to me, but they really mean nothing), strange men smiling at me (even if it's just to acknowledge my presence, like a 'hello, excuse me'), things like that. I get so antsy and untrusting of guys, it's scary. I'm really unwilling to do anything with some of my friends, just for the fact that they're male and I might be alone with them. I don't have the same problem with girlfriends, though (relationship or no), I don't make the connection with females and assault because it's never happened like that.

Masturbation was something I could never do for a couple months afterward, but I'm easing back into enjoying it.
13th-Apr-2005 05:16 pm (UTC)
the responses survivors have to their abuse is varied and yours is by no means abnormal in any way. one thing that sometimes happens with me is that when i see a man i dont like or dont feel comfortable around or even hate i start thinking of having sex with him and my body responds in a way i cannot abide.

i think it is b/c when we are abused the feelings and sensations get all mixed up...so when we are adults we are left to deal with the mixed-up-ness and my reaction to men i dont like is related to my hate feelings toward my male cousin and other random males who molested me and perhaps my father...i dont have memories of him molesting me, but he did rape both my brother and sister and i hated him for a really long time for that and other things he did that were no less damaging.

in any case, the mixed-up-ness surrounding sexual responses will no doubt manifest in a variety of ways and we wont always be able to immediately figure out our triggers...your reaction to getting even a marginal sense of pleasure from masturbation (as utilitarian as you make it) sounds like shame over the needs of your body. i dont know your history and dont know the particulars of your abuse, so anything i am saying is purely speculation and conjecture on my part.

but it is good that you are exploring these things. and as for boundaries, it is said that the boundaries you set should be ones that respect your sense of safety and health. my thing is to first be absolutely and brutally honest with myself first before i even think about saying anything to anyone else. if i cannot be honest and vulnerable with myself then there is no way i am ready to be honest and vulnerable with someone else. but i also understand that there are times when i gotta push myself and other times when i gotta give myself a break.

as you do more self-exploration and learning about your triggers and the way your own mind and reactions work and how the abuse affects your life today then you will get better are seeing where the line is for when it is appropriate for you to open up or to protect yourself.

trust your perceptions.

peace
13th-Apr-2005 07:40 pm (UTC)
You're not being graphic or scary. I feel the same way. Thinking about the abuse makes me feel dirty, and I just associate impurity with down there. It makes me feel corrupted to even think about it, much less touch it or have someone else touch it.

I wish I knew what to say to make you feel better, but I don't. Just know that you're not alone, love.
14th-Apr-2005 06:57 am (UTC)
I understand where you are coming from.
Masturbation has always made me feel dirty and ashamed. Partly because I started masturbating when I was about five, which is right after I was first abused. It felt good, but at the same time felt so wrong.
I always felt like I was doing something wrong.
It has gotten easier over the years, but I am by no means comfortable with it.
I, much like you, feel ashamed and dirty afterwards. I always try to start thinking of something else or watch tv or whatnot.

It's hard, but we can all deal with it. We've made it this far, right?

Also, you've done something I haven't been able to do. I haven't been with a guy. I just can't do it yet. I'm not ready.

But I do know what you mean. I get very uncomfortable when guys get near, let alone touch me (shudder). I am very strict about my personal space. I won't allow people to stand to close. I back away, and if that doesn't work, I tell them to not stand so close.

Anyway... these are just my thoughts on your post, hope you are doing well.
14th-Apr-2005 07:56 am (UTC)
hey, i dont know what to say that can help. just stay strong. you're amazing!!!!

~hayley~
14th-Apr-2005 08:35 pm (UTC)
It's so hard sometimes...
oh I don't know what to say, but
sometimes I'm stuck in that area too. I really notice it when with a breathing meditation, the breath won't flow there. Blocked. I don't know.
((hugs))
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