artzgirl1987 (artzgirl1987) wrote in _survivors_,
artzgirl1987
artzgirl1987
_survivors_

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A public appolagy of sorts?

My last post seemed to have caused a bit of drama. Whenever I post, it causes drama. So, I just wanted to say sorry to anyone I may have offended. THE LJ - CUT ISN'T WORKING FOR WATEVER REASON. TRIGGERS MAY BE: DISGUTION OF THE WORD "WEAK", DISGUTION OF SUICIDE, MENTION OF SI, THOUGHTS ON ABUSE, SOME OF WHAT I'VE BEEN THROUGH, FRUSTRATION WITH NOT BEING ABLE TO COMMUNICATE ADEQUATELY, FRUSTRATION WITH BEING MISUNDERSTOOD.

The word "weak" apparently holds a lot of weight around here. I personally don't understand what the big deal is about being weak. We're all weak sometimes, we're all human. We all have moments that we just want to give up on. The all have moments where we don't fight as hard as we know we should. We all have moments where we wollow in our own self - pity. We're human, we're hurting, we're all weak sometimes.

We're also very strong though. Even though we have our weak moments when we don't want to give up or try anymore. We push through it and try to survive one more day. Unfortunately some people find their escape through suicide. It's unfortunate because they could have found support meaning, people cared about them... someone would've helped them. Maybe no one was paying attention, or the person just wasn't expressing their pain. It isn't the person's fault though. They didn't wake up and say "Gee, I think I'll kill myself today". I've been suicidal, I've been so depressed I can't function in everyday life. I've been diagnosed with PTSD and Clinical Depression. I've spent time in a mental health hospital. I've been going through therapy on and off sense I was thirteen. I know what it's like. I'm not some judemental outsider looking in. I've been through it.Suicide is always sad. You have to be strong, yet selfish to do it. But then again, when you're going through unbearable pain sometimes it's okay to be selfish.

Also, while, it wasn't our fault that we were abused, it is up to us how we heal. We can either blame everything on the abuser and the abuse, or we can take some personal responsibility. We can be responsible with how we handle ourselves after our abuse, we can be responsible for not letting it happen again. We can be responsible for taking care of ourselves. I've been through some bad stuff, not as bad as some, but bad enough. I know what everyone's going through, because I'm going through it. My boy friend has been pretty much constant abused in every form from about age five to about a year ago... he should either be homocidal or suicidal. He takes responsiblity for his part in things and he's a very motivated, positive person. I think all I'm trying to say is that, it's easier to deal with the abuse if you stop blaming your issues on someone/ something else and you take hold of the reigns yourself.

It's unfortunate that everytime I post here, there is drama caused. I don't sugar coat things. I say exactly what I'm thinking. A lot of the time I just don't express myself adequately. I have trouble communicating, I always have. I have trouble finding the words to express myself. That's the main reason I resorted to cutting almost two years ago. I'm trying to communicate better. Sometimes I know what I'm trying to express and then when I verbalise it, or write it down, people get offended. It's quite frustrating. I know it's my problem... and normally when you are the only one thinking one way and everyone else is thinking another, you are the one who's wrong. I dunno why I have so much trouble communicating, but it's very frustrating.

I'll just try to refrain from posting, and just comment if I have something helpfull to say.  
Tags: communication
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