Ashley (kurai_tenshi21) wrote in _survivors_,

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I'm going to update you all on some of the stuff that has been going on with me and my so called life... It may be long, or short... but it goes where my mind goes, and I need to get this all out of my head.
I rely on my friends a whole lot to get through certain situations, get advice, and to vent some. (but most of the triggering stuff that I know that they don't want to hear I leave out, unless it is one of my closer friends that know pretty much everything.) And I am having trouble with my so called friends listening to me, it's like they listen to a certain extent, and then just ignore what point I am trying to get across. And when I ask for help, they ignore me, thinking that I just say this for attention. When I am just looking for a little help/advice. And it hurts that I can't rely on anyone of my friends anymore. It is like their lives are more important then my own, when all i want to do is give up and fade away. And that is all I really want to do. Its the pain from my chronic migraines are just beating me down. And I've been taking pill after bloody pill, and still it doesn't help. And I've become scared that I'll become addicted. And I really don't want to go through another detox program to get everything out of my system because I'm addicted to something. But the pain gets so bad, and I don't know what to do to get rid of it. And then there is my depression, and that is getting just as bad as my chronic migraines. I don't know how to handle it with out talking to somebody about what is making me feel this way.
Then there is the fact that there are my usual family problems, and my brother has been bailed out of jail (again). And then today I looked up the status of the case was, and because my brother was bailed out, there is now a warrant for his arrest. I don't quite understand it. But I guess that is just how the system here works. Thank god I've never had any trouble with the law. But that is not the point...Doesn't my mother see that my brother is a dangerous person to society? I guess not. I mean he was convicted for armed robbery. And for having drugs on him. Doesn't she just see that she is helping his addiction for drugs and trouble? She is making him worse, even more worse then he already is. And she bails him out of jail, reason being he is her son. But would she do that for me? Fuck no.
And then my mother is trying to get me back into the whole her verbally abusing me again. Just by me coming over to help her out, she would just start verbally attacking me for my 'stupidness' or my 'laziness' or just what ever she doesn't like about me at the time. I don't want to go back to where she was treating me how she was back a couple of years ago. So I put miles between us, and she acts like she is the one that has been done wrong. God I hate it. I really truly do. I'm so sick of her attitude, and just her. And its just messing me up. I can't wait for me to be able to go to Arkansas for schooling. And that is the honest truth.
Then I run into my father on the public transit system that we have here in Dallas. And he started talking to me like he has never done anything wrong to me in his life. Like what all he did to me was OK. And I got off the train a long way back before my stop to get off was. And as I was walking back to my home, everything that he did to me came rushing back. And it hurts. Still does and that was last week. God I hate remembering what was done to me. I really do. The abuse and rapes.. just good god, its just hard to swallow and move on with life again.
I'm just tired of dealing with everything that I am. And I want out. So SO bad. I mean its the pain from the migraines and depression, And then the pain from the past. And just everything that is going on now, with my so called friends and family. It just feels like in my heart that enough is enough. And I just think that I should end it to escape the pain. I mean I know that this is no way to think. But.. it is how I feel. And I don't know how to escape this. I really don't. I mean I could resort to some smokes but it doesn't help. And I could resort to my SI, but that just makes my mood worse. And I'm just sick and stressed with dealing with everything.
And that is all I've got to say on all this. I'm sorry if anyone actually read this. But props to you if you did.
With hope.

And that is all I've got to say on all this. I'm sorry if anyone actually read this. But props to you if you did.
With hope.
Tags: abuse: csa, abuse: verbal, codependency, family, memories, venting

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