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_Survivors_
A safe space to share stories and ask questions
Me 
17th-Apr-2008 06:42 pm
Lorax
A few notes on me:


I survived physical abuse. Its a bit more than that, in that I grew up more or less in isolation. Strange tale, my user bio has some notes. Anyway, I was physically abused by my father from age 3 or 4 until I was 17 and promised to kill him if he touched me. I was perfectly serious, I would have murdered him in his sleep and called the cops myself. He believed me, and never even tried to hit me or menace me physically again. Physical abuse here includes being punched, hit with objects (belt, book, pool cue, axe handle, firewood, plate, chair, anything handy really), kicked, stomped on, all that jazz.

In addition to the physical abuse there was the constant manipulation and control. How much control? Here's an example: To get federal aid for college, one has to provide parent information if parent is living so long as applicant is aged 22 and younger (or something along those lines - its been 15 years). My father said he would not fill out any more forms so that I could apply. Note the semantics - that he would not fill out forms, the implication that I could fill them out. So I asked him for his tax information, cause I needed it to fill out the fed forms. Well, daddy hadn't filed yet that year and didn't want to tell me, nor did he want me to know how much he made, so he told me he wasn't giving me his private financial information. So no application for federal aid. So I had to take his money or move out with no car, no place to live, and only what I'd saved working a minimum wage job the previous summer.

So I took his money and was made to feel beholden.

He tried to control every aspect of my life until I just wrote him out of my life. He's not tried to contact me since, though his agents: my sister (firstborn & favorite) and my aunt (his sister) send me an email or a letter or a call once every few months berating me for my cruelty in not talking to my father. My sister says I made up the abuse. My aunt says I'm un-chrstain for not forgiving. Its all manipulation.

So I don't talk to my sisters, my aunt, my fraternal grandmother, or my first cousins because they all tell me I am the bad guy for not speaking to my abuser, the manipulator who hurt me and tried to control me my entire life.

As one might imagine, I also have some PTSD symptoms, anger problems, and control issues as a result of going through what I did.
Comments 
18th-Apr-2008 01:04 am (UTC)
**hugs** I'm glad that you came here to reach out :)

My best friend went through a lot of what you've explained, so it is close to home for me.

You did the right thing to write he and your volatile family members out of your life. That takes immeasurable strength and courage. *safe hugs*



PS I'm not a mod, but will you add something about murder and cutting family ties to your trigger cut? ♥ :)
19th-Apr-2008 10:20 pm (UTC)
Hey, nice icon! :)
20th-Apr-2008 05:18 pm (UTC)
Thanks!!

You mean someone else knows who Morrigan is??? :D
20th-Apr-2008 05:23 pm (UTC)
Oh yes. :)
I don't work with her directly, but I am familiar with her history, and have been somewhat drawn to her. Just not as strongly as to one or two others.
20th-Apr-2008 05:33 pm (UTC)
I don't work with her, but I am fascinated by her, and definitely drawn to her as well. :)
18th-Apr-2008 03:10 am (UTC)
I'm pretty busy and have been not very helpful here lately, but I just wanted to say really quickly that it's great that you're talking about this and especially for being so honest. It really sucks when abuse is compounding by everyone blaming the victim.

One thing I wanted to suggest is that you talk to someone at your school about getting financial aid without taking your father's income into account. The age is actually 24, I believe, but I know people with special circumstances who were much younger and able to file for FA separately from their parents.

As far as being beholden to someone because they gave you money, he *is* your parent and it is his Responsibility to help you with college, especially if he made it impossible for you to get financial aid. I don't think you owe him anything or should allow him to hold it over your head. I've been in this situation and had to learn not to let someone control me with guilt, because that's all it is. If they gave out of the kindness of their heart, there'd be no strings attached...
18th-Apr-2008 03:14 am (UTC)
oops, I just read your profile and realized that all the advice about financial aid is way too late :P oh well, maybe someone else will get something out of it.
18th-Apr-2008 12:29 pm (UTC) - Cash
Yeah, I only took his money until I could get my own loans. I also worked full-time, then went to school full time off and on until I could secure my own financing.
18th-Apr-2008 05:30 am (UTC)
Firstly, welcome! It takes a lot of strength to talk about what you've been through, but it's great that you're reaching out for support from fellow survivors.

My main abuser was my father as well, and I also had to cut ties with him in order to have peace (there was no chance of resolution). You are definitely not bad, wrong, or un-christian for insisting that the people in your life treat you with respect. You're not the bad guy - you're the guy with healthy boundaries and self-respect.

My parents did the same thing with financial aid applications when I was in college. It's so ridiculous the ways that abusers will try to needle their way into your life in any way they can.

It took me years to be able to laugh at how genuinely pathetic so many abusers are at their core - they really feel they need to do all that just to get attention. Being able to look at my abusers and see how weak *they* were was very healing

Your father had to pick on a child to feel like a big person. He's the bad guy.
18th-Apr-2008 08:18 pm (UTC)
My parents did the same thing with financial aid applications when I was in college.

Wow. I hadn't run into anyone else who had parents play the FA card specifically. Thanks for your words. I'm good (well, mostly good), and its great to talk to people who've been through some of the same things. Not that we've had bad things happen, but that y'all perfectly relate.
18th-Apr-2008 09:55 pm (UTC)
It's definitely just good to know we're not alone. Sometimes we can think that it was just us that it happened to, and it's lonely and isolating. It's good to know that it wasn't just us - that there are other parents out there just as messed up.
19th-Apr-2008 09:17 pm (UTC)
Welcome to the group. *big safe hugs*

If you go back just a little ways before you joined the community, you'll find a poem I wrote about forgiveness. The post is under a cut, but it's titled "Poem: 'Forgiveness'". I think it might help you with your aunt and her accusation that you are un-Christian for not forgiving your father.

Stay safe, and take care of you. *more safe hugs*
19th-Apr-2008 09:25 pm (UTC)
P.S. I just took a cruise through your journal. May I friend you? You sound interesting, intelligent, and funny.
28th-Apr-2008 12:55 am (UTC)
Sure thing.

(Sorry for long delay, been away)
28th-Apr-2008 10:30 am (UTC)
Okay, thanks, and no problem about the delay. Real life is a pain sometimes.
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