Ashley (kurai_tenshi21) wrote in _survivors_,

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I have a ton to say in this post. And just needed to vent on some of the things that have been going on as of late.
Cut for friends, betrayal, trust issues, counseling, memories of rape (no details, family stuff that is going on (moving, parents getting back together, dealing with my father (who is my rapist), mentioned of using illegal drugs, mention of past abuse. And I think that is it. Tell me if I missed anything.
The last couple of days have been rather busy, and therefore stressful.
I ended up helping my parents move into their new apartment this past weekend. Therefore dealing with my father- for those who don't know my father is the one who abused and raped me... And I am still rather panicked just as the after math. Though I can say that this time I didn't use any drugs to relieve my stress and panic, because I did do coke last time I had to deal with him. I felt stronger in not using drugs. I think that that is a good thing. But I still didn't want or need to deal with my father this weekend.
And then the other things with my parents, is the fact that they are moving back in with each other... why? I really don't know. But the thing is is that my mother lied to me about getting an divorce, when in fact they are still together and are now living with each other. And I'm afraid that my mother is going to go back to old habits by living with my father. And its just a scary thought my mother and best friend (though this best friend out look just now came about.) may go back to old ways because of my father. And I'm just a little freaked out.

And then lately I have been dreaming/remembering details about my abuse and rapes that I've been trying to block out since forever ever since all that shit happened to me. I have to say that I am not enjoying this at all. I mean who would? I am just trying to be strong through out this period of repressed memories. I don't know what else to say about this subject though.

On a different note. Some of my so called friends have been treating me as there slave. And some of them think that I am just some stupid head that has no opinion what so ever. It hurts that they are trying to change me into this no brained moron, in which they are not succeeding. I just wish that they would take me as I am, with out them trying to change me for what and who I am.
Sometimes I get word that they think that the things that I do are just for attention.. And I am doing/saying stuff that they don't necessarily think is normal... like me and my outlook on life, me dealing with my chronic migraines, the things that I confide in them (and then they go and tell what seems like the rest of the world.), Just stuff like that.
I think that I am entitled to have friends that care, but sometimes it just seems like they go and stab me in my back. And that hurts. Sometimes I just wish that I had some body to rely on. But it just doesn't seem like it is going to happen. I guess I am learning the meaning of friends come and go.

This is only going to make me not want to trust anybody anymore, therefore just keeping to myself. I don't mind being so much alone, but I would like to have SOMEONE to confide to. It just bugs me.

Lately when I go see my councilor she keeps saying that I am a strong person. One that doesn't give up so easily. But lately I think that I want to give up just so I don't have to deal with life anymore. The pain in my head and heart are just so bloody hard to deal with. But I know that I am not alone in my struggles. And I think that that is why I am trying so hard to survive.
And then there is the fact that we have been trying to set steps towards me healing and letting go. I know it is going to be difficult to do, but I think that I am looking forward to the challenge.

If anyone of you got through this beast of a post props to you. And thanks for listening.

If anyone of you got through this beast of a post props to you. And thanks for listening.
Tags: abuse: csa, abuse: incest, family, friendships, trust

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