mariposa_bella (mariposa_bella) wrote in _survivors_,

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wanting to connect... odd patterns/coping mechanisms...

short background (for those who don't know)- i was sexually abused by many people as a child (separately), primarily by a same-aged cousin who tortured me with objects for several years.  I have ptsd.  i am grown and now have a child, but lack of finances put me (and hubby and baby) living back at home with my family recently in order to raise my baby and get on our feet... the same house i grew up in and was abused in by so many sexually and by my mom verbally/physically...  

healing's been a while since i've had time to process.  don't have time to do so now actually, but i'm sneaking a few minutes on here.  i've felt more healed and as an integrated whole lately (since baby's birth gradually better).  not to say i don't deal with things, but am not as triggered as before.  i have more strength.  though mom's verbal 'abuse' is wearing on me.  i've always been introverted growing up, till i moved out on my own.  then personality tests showed that i was slightly on the extrovert side.  now that i've been home with mom for a while though... my tests are going back to introverted.  i can't wait to move someday.  i miss being alone.  in any case, sex life is non-existent between catering to mom and baby... i'm a full time servant.  so i haven't gotten to test out my strength much lately, but i do feel stronger.  i was starting to think 'little missy' was gone actually (little missy is the part of me that never grew up, being stuck in the time frame of when i was sexually abused as a child if that makes sense- is not a multiple personality thing though), but i dreamed something this morning that made me realize she's still there...    i discovered that while i don't really have a sex drive per se, i do have a love/acceptance need.  i don't have much time to write this, but i have this ache in me right now that for some reason wants to find someone new to share my abuse story with... like i have a need to connect with them and see if they still accept me and love me.  not sure why.  i think i see it as a pattern developing really.  a few years ago i was befriended by my friend jason and i used to talk with him a lot about my issues.  it was very healing for me.  then he couldn't talk about it much anymore with me.  after that i made friends with a guy from work, Dave.  and i got to share a lot with him.  it meant a lot to me.  still does, even though i don't get to talk with him on abuse stuff anymore.  but i have a need to tell someone else now... it's like a craving to be vulnerable, to let little missy out in a sense, and see if she can find love.  i know i have all the love i need in justin, my hubby,... he loves me bunches, yet i feel unconnected.  like i can't really connect.  i feel guilty for that.  not sure why i am this way.  not sure if i can't open to him cuz of what he did to me on our honeymoon (he essentially raped me- long story- cuz i wanted to wait a while before trying again since our attempts hurt me physically so much), or if maybe i just can't be that close to someone i live with (like not close with them either)... i dunno.  anyone else kind of like this?  and a really odd part about this is, i feel i need to connect emotionally and share my story and fears...but to somehow in the end show my anatomy (with NO touching), and see if they still accept me and love me for who i am.  i guess i'm weird.  anyone else ever have tendencies like this?  am feeling that urge right now to connect to someone with my abuse, to be totally vulnerable, to be loved/accepted & safe...  am purposely trying to refrain from doing so though, especially with potential male friends.  little missy needs hugged right now though.  her love meter needs filled.  i should let justin fill it, but for some reason i can't.  besides there's no time to tend to my needs... i gotta go take care of everyone else's now.  hungry for healthy love...  wanting to connect.
Tags: abuse: child, abuse: csa, abuse: verbal, coping skills, family, seeking support, telling others

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