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First post. :] 
19th-Mar-2008 01:07 pm
Brennan: simple to confound the wise

I've been here before under a couple different user names, and each time I've posted my story. And not that I don't think it's important - but I think I am at a place in my life where I don't want to think about it anymore. I don't want to talk about it, I don't want it to affect me period. The end.

I guess, though, why I'm even writing all of this is because for the life of me, even after I've decided to let it all go, to move THE HELL ON WITH MY LIFE, I find myself stubbornly refusing to budge.

It's fear, I know. I'm scared that I'm going to walk outside AND NOT be scared of the dark shadows. I'm scared because that kind of nonchalance is what got me into this mess in the first place. I'm scared of returning to a life where I don't have to mistrust everybody. And I guess it might probably piss some of you off that I'm saying I'm just going to "let it go". Believe me, I know it's not like that. But I think I've let IT and HIM replace something really important in my life and for what it's worth, I'm going to struggle as much as I can to get myself into a different place in my life. I don't want to be bogged down by it anymore. I simply can't. I can't move forward in my life if I don't walk away from what happened to me.

I went to my first counseling appointment a little over a week ago. It's a free program through my university and it's booked solid. So she basically told me that if I wasn't a head case, then I would probably be wait listed to see a counselor or that they would refer me to a low-budget counselor outside of the school. I mean, I was disappointed, but I thought that I was relatively calm and collected and sure of myself inside of that room with her.

And then today, they call me. They have scheduled my next appointment for Monday. So, here I am, thinking I'll be wait listed because I'm not necessarily a head case - but they can obviously see that I need help. And for whatever reason, that single act of KINDNESS, I guess you could call it, has triggered me worse than anything has for a long time.

Aaah, I know none of you know me and that this is extremely too long for anyone to read, but I'm so devastated right now. I was raped once, three years ago. Somebody tell me how to become a survivor instead of a victim. Somebody tell me that people do move on with their lives, that they're not trapped for the REST OF THEIR LIVES.

I really just don't want to be like this anymore. I don't want to be depressed. I want to wake up in the morning and be okay with who I am. Any suggestions?
19th-Mar-2008 08:07 pm (UTC)
I've thought a lot about this post and been thinking about how to respond to it. Unfortunately, I have to be at work in about 15 minutes so I don't have time to reply back to it now. but I did want to let you know I read every bit of what you had to say. LOL so far my comment is a novel and i'm trying to cut it down, but when i get home tonight, i'll post it. :)
20th-Mar-2008 02:24 am (UTC)
Hey, thanks for reading any way. I appreciate it. :]
20th-Mar-2008 03:26 am (UTC)
People are *definitely* able to move past what has happened, to process it all and reclaim the world in which you live. I know this because I have lived it.

It sounds like you're not "letting it go", but you're trying to reclaim. You want to come out from under the shadows of it all and reclaim your piece of the world, reclaim your confidence.

I still carry what happened to me with me, but the weight of it doesn't drag me down every day anymore. There are some days that are still incredibly tough, but it's not every day now, it's maybe three times a month, sometimes four.

My suggestion? To start the day each day by saying, "It's not my fault someone chose to rape me. I will not cower in fear of them. I have proved I can survive."

You will, inevitably, feel very silly saying something like that to yourself. Affirmations are about the silliest thing I've ever known... but because we can laugh at it, it actually makes it easier. Let some playful confidence come through, and try to carry that with you through your day.
20th-Mar-2008 06:32 am (UTC)
Wow, thank you. I'm a really firm believer in sowing and reaping. I don't listen to music that doesn't lift me up in someway. I guess I just never thought about applying that philosophy to...uh, this. But, honestly, thank you. I'll try it first thing tomorrow.

...Also, I've seen your posts around for the past couple of years, and I just really wanted to let you know that for what it's worth, you have always been a tremendous help to me. You're kind of like a constant stable that I can kind of count on. It's been a really strange way of getting help, but I honestly do appreciate it. I can't imagine doing what you do day in and day out and still managing to have a life on the other end of it. I know that there have got to be other people who feel the same way I do about your consistancy and dedication to this community. So, really, thank you.

20th-Mar-2008 07:22 am (UTC)
I use a lot of affirmations. It's partly because I can feel as my feelings about saying them change. I always feel so silly when I start them, and then I feel determined and confident as time passes. I have a few of them up on post-its around my apartment. So when I see them, I say it.

And thanks for letting me know, that's really sweet. I still have a hard time remembering that I've been a mod here for two and a half years. It doesn't really seem like it was that long ago.
20th-Mar-2008 03:58 am (UTC)
I get really pissed off for the same reason sometimes. I get angry that it happened, and I get angry at myself for not fucking getting over it and moving on. But then I realize that I'm just not being patient enough, and that it takes more time. It does get better though. *hugs*
20th-Mar-2008 06:36 am (UTC)
Thank you. I think I realize that it gets better, and I can see the bright horizon just on the other side of this hill, you know? It's just about the dang struggle to get there. And my main concern - the reason that I even posted this - was to get some kind of confirmation from someone on that other side. I was like, does anyone ever make it? Is this a lost cause? Did he really just claim my whole life? Do I really never get it back?

I hate that anger is such a natural part of letting ourselves get swallowed up in it, and I'm sorry that you can relate to me. Thanks for replying to me, it really does mean a lot. :]
22nd-Mar-2008 10:03 am (UTC)
Well, I've gotten completely over before, and I felt great, so I'd say that yes, it's possible. I was molested when I was 5, and started coming up when I was about 12 and causing me problems. After quite a bit of work, I was able to feel that I was completely healed from it. I don't think you ever go back to how you were before, although I suppose in some cases it's possible, but I think it is something that becomes a part of our identity in the end, and makes us stronger for it.

Well, in my opinion, for some of us at least, anger is better than victimizing yourself or just getting depressed and lethargic. Anger makes you want to DO SOMETHING. During my angry phases I try to direct it towards something useful and good for me. The biggest "FUCK YOU" I can give my abuser is to do well for myself and succeed and be happy.
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