gonna rock your body til canada day (bradyyface) wrote in _survivors_,
gonna rock your body til canada day

First post. :]

I've been here before under a couple different user names, and each time I've posted my story. And not that I don't think it's important - but I think I am at a place in my life where I don't want to think about it anymore. I don't want to talk about it, I don't want it to affect me period. The end.

I guess, though, why I'm even writing all of this is because for the life of me, even after I've decided to let it all go, to move THE HELL ON WITH MY LIFE, I find myself stubbornly refusing to budge.

It's fear, I know. I'm scared that I'm going to walk outside AND NOT be scared of the dark shadows. I'm scared because that kind of nonchalance is what got me into this mess in the first place. I'm scared of returning to a life where I don't have to mistrust everybody. And I guess it might probably piss some of you off that I'm saying I'm just going to "let it go". Believe me, I know it's not like that. But I think I've let IT and HIM replace something really important in my life and for what it's worth, I'm going to struggle as much as I can to get myself into a different place in my life. I don't want to be bogged down by it anymore. I simply can't. I can't move forward in my life if I don't walk away from what happened to me.

I went to my first counseling appointment a little over a week ago. It's a free program through my university and it's booked solid. So she basically told me that if I wasn't a head case, then I would probably be wait listed to see a counselor or that they would refer me to a low-budget counselor outside of the school. I mean, I was disappointed, but I thought that I was relatively calm and collected and sure of myself inside of that room with her.

And then today, they call me. They have scheduled my next appointment for Monday. So, here I am, thinking I'll be wait listed because I'm not necessarily a head case - but they can obviously see that I need help. And for whatever reason, that single act of KINDNESS, I guess you could call it, has triggered me worse than anything has for a long time.

Aaah, I know none of you know me and that this is extremely too long for anyone to read, but I'm so devastated right now. I was raped once, three years ago. Somebody tell me how to become a survivor instead of a victim. Somebody tell me that people do move on with their lives, that they're not trapped for the REST OF THEIR LIVES.

I really just don't want to be like this anymore. I don't want to be depressed. I want to wake up in the morning and be okay with who I am. Any suggestions?
Tags: anxiety, healing, recovery, therapy

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