pushed_too_far (pushed_too_far) wrote in _survivors_,

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I was refered to a mental health worker on my university campus to help me out with problems that effect my work. Anyways i didnt say much the first few times i saw her but she had a piece of paper with a list of common problems they can help people with and she asked me to point to the ones that were an issue for me.

I pointed to sleep problems, eating problems, self harm and suicidal thoughts. I couldnt tell her about my abuse issues because they werent on the list.

I saw her yesturday and talked about my suicidal thoughts. I didnt really think they were that big of a deal. She asked me if i could bring in all the pills and blades i had be saving for a time when i may need them and suggested i pop in today just to drop them off. I eventually agreed because if i want to kill myself i will find away, it will just be a little harder thats all. 

So anyway i went in today and she asked if i had a minute to sit down, i did so i said yes. She said she was very concerned by the things that i had said and suggested i go to see the doctor and that she would write a letter to help explain how i feel. After an hour trying to convince me i went and made an appointment. I poped back to tell her what time it was (friday at 3:50) and she said she would like to call the crisis team and let them know whats going on and if i would agree to let her. i thought i might not have to see the GP if she rang them instead so i agreed.

She just emailed me to say she has been in touch with them and they will ring me to check on me and arrange some help. And suggested i keep my doctors appointment.

OK i am officially FREAKING OUT.

Ive given up my pills but i secretly still have blades. I'm not functioning far past what i am going to binge on and throw up next at the moment. I want to cut my wrists. A part of me must want to be alive or i wouldnt still be here. But i am torn between that and wnating to be left alone to self destruct. If i told anyone what i was really thinking, i would be sectioned or something. I am not going to do anyhting rash or impulsive, i have learnt the hard way that it rarely works. If i am going to kill myself it would be a carefully formulated plan, with little room for error and a method as fool proof as it can be.

Why am i having such an anxiety attack over this. I feel like i have done something wrong. like i am harbouring huge secrets (which i am, of course) but i duno

what should i do?

Tags: anxiety, seeking opinions, seeking support, suicidal thoughts

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