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I was refered to a mental health worker on my university campus to… 
20th-Feb-2008 02:38 pm
Brave toaster

I was refered to a mental health worker on my university campus to help me out with problems that effect my work. Anyways i didnt say much the first few times i saw her but she had a piece of paper with a list of common problems they can help people with and she asked me to point to the ones that were an issue for me.

I pointed to sleep problems, eating problems, self harm and suicidal thoughts. I couldnt tell her about my abuse issues because they werent on the list.

I saw her yesturday and talked about my suicidal thoughts. I didnt really think they were that big of a deal. She asked me if i could bring in all the pills and blades i had be saving for a time when i may need them and suggested i pop in today just to drop them off. I eventually agreed because if i want to kill myself i will find away, it will just be a little harder thats all. 

So anyway i went in today and she asked if i had a minute to sit down, i did so i said yes. She said she was very concerned by the things that i had said and suggested i go to see the doctor and that she would write a letter to help explain how i feel. After an hour trying to convince me i went and made an appointment. I poped back to tell her what time it was (friday at 3:50) and she said she would like to call the crisis team and let them know whats going on and if i would agree to let her. i thought i might not have to see the GP if she rang them instead so i agreed.

She just emailed me to say she has been in touch with them and they will ring me to check on me and arrange some help. And suggested i keep my doctors appointment.

OK i am officially FREAKING OUT.

Ive given up my pills but i secretly still have blades. I'm not functioning far past what i am going to binge on and throw up next at the moment. I want to cut my wrists. A part of me must want to be alive or i wouldnt still be here. But i am torn between that and wnating to be left alone to self destruct. If i told anyone what i was really thinking, i would be sectioned or something. I am not going to do anyhting rash or impulsive, i have learnt the hard way that it rarely works. If i am going to kill myself it would be a carefully formulated plan, with little room for error and a method as fool proof as it can be.

Why am i having such an anxiety attack over this. I feel like i have done something wrong. like i am harbouring huge secrets (which i am, of course) but i duno

what should i do?

20th-Feb-2008 03:37 pm (UTC)
Have you tried calling one of the suicide hotlines? There's also one I contacted once years ago via email. I can't remember the name of the site, though. But they were a huge help to me. There's also something comforting about being able to talk to someone anonymously, ya know? You can spill every deep dark secret to a stranger who doesn't know who you are, either.

*safe hugs* If you'd like them... I wish I could be of more help, hun. I'm online until 1 pm (EST) if you'd like to talk on here, or you can email me at janne_doe @ hotmail.com
21st-Feb-2008 07:46 pm (UTC)
Thankyou for your support. i got through the night and am meeting with the crisis resolution team in my area tommorow

Thanks so much again
20th-Feb-2008 09:07 pm (UTC)
i think janne doe has excellent ideas! call a hotline for suicide or rape. please post so we know you are okay.
21st-Feb-2008 07:50 pm (UTC)
Thankyou for your concern. Just knowing someone read what i worte and understands helped.

I am doing ok and have an appointment to see the crisis resolution team and they rang me to check up today.

Thanks again
21st-Feb-2008 05:26 am (UTC)
It is *terrifying* to be on the verge of any change, even change for the better. You revealed something very personal to someone new, and you don't know how it will be received. You don't want your freedom taken away because of what you've been through and how it makes you feel.

To be honest, I'd probably be panicking, too. That's a lot of unknowns to handle all at once. Just remember, you can handle what happens. They didn't section you when you brought in the pills, and that's a HUGE sign that they are choosing to trust you and your ability to overcome the urges. They are choosing to work with you, while giving you extra, focused support as soon as possible.

Try to keep breathing, and focus on things that you feel safe with, that you trust. Even change for the better is absolutely terrifying, and remember that you're not weak for being scared right now.

I'd also recommend trying to be around people you trust until the anxiety passes - that could be a big help to ground you.
21st-Feb-2008 07:54 pm (UTC)
Thanks so much. You said all the right things to calm me down and made sense of things i didnt even know i was feeling and why.

I think i had some sort of anxiety attack because it just felt like i wasnt getting enough oxygen. The crisis team rang me last night and today and are sending some one out to see me. I'm still not sure about all this but things cant get any worse, so i am going to go with it.

Thanks again
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