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19th-Feb-2008 08:08 am
Here's the thing about triggers. Usually I'm fine with reading about or watching stuff on child abuse. Usually I can read people's entries here and be okay. If anything I feel sorry for others and that's the only trigger. Product of my dissociation, I know. But I don't push because nothing happens when I try. I have to let myself feel in my own time. I say this because last night my girlfriend and I watched "Gone, Baby, Gone". And I thought I would be fine, thought I was fine. Until near the end when my head started going, thinking, wondering. Which got me to thinking about my mother. Wich brought up the whole if my mother doesn't love me why would anyone else track I tend to keep on repeat in the back of my mind. Yeah, I know, unhealthy. For some reason I heard that message loud and clear last night even while L- held me. And I started crying. At first L- was great, then distant, then great again. I know she's got issues around intimacy as much as I do so I was cool with it. And then I wasn't. Just felt like I was going back and forth on what my mood wanted to be. Now I feel like she felt last night. Scared and unsure and wondering if this will ever end. You know what's really amazing? With all L-'s faults she still shows me more love than my mother. And I still want my mother to love me. I mean I know she does. But not the way I need. Yeah, I know, but it doesn't make me feel any better. So I guess this is my trigger. Seeing a mother in a movie who was distant from her daughter, who treated her more like a burden than a gift. And now I feel like shit. I'm just hoping I don't cry at my desk cause that would suck..... 
19th-Feb-2008 01:55 pm (UTC)
feel the same my mum left me at 6 months and after that my dad re-married a woman who hated me. it's funny how much it can effect you.

I felt myself thinking the same thing a couple of weeks ago. How am i ever going to have a successful relationship if my own mother couldn't love me? well it's just irrational and absurd.

Although your mother failed you,she very likely had her own reasons and that doesn't effect you. I mean, here you are in a relationship with someone who obviously thinks you're pretty special, whether or not they have difficulty expressing that.

The idea that 'your mother doesn't love you, therefore no one ever will' is just a schema and holds no truth whatsoever. I guess you have to teach yourself to challenge, and eventually disprove that idea. That's how i intend to get through it, it just takes a while to get through it.

I hope this is of some help
19th-Feb-2008 03:40 pm (UTC)
Actually your words are helping. I feel better knowing I'm not the only one with mother issues. I'm trying not to let that mess up my relationship so I keep working on it. Doing better now than last night and earlier this morning, and reminding myself that I am a worthy, lovable person. It's sinking in at the moment. (Yay!) Thanks for the support:)
19th-Feb-2008 04:42 pm (UTC)
I'm glad. I think it's just a case of getting past that initial reaction of inadequacy and moving forwards.

Obviously understand that your mother has problems and she is only human but still acknowledging the fact that you deserved much more than she gave you and give yourself room to greive your lost childhood then teach yourself to love yourself in the way that she should have.

19th-Feb-2008 03:34 pm (UTC)
I'm sorry. Some people just aren't capable of loving in a normal way, whether it's addiction or mental illness or whatever. But it's wonderful that you realized that you are in fact loved and valued.

That was an extremely difficult movie to watch.
19th-Feb-2008 03:45 pm (UTC)
Thank you! I'm telling myself that my mother's issues are not my own, reminding myself that I'm loved by others and it's enough. Doing better now too.

And, yeah, it was really hard to watch. But I will be okay. We all will eventually. I have hope...

*safe hugs*
19th-Feb-2008 04:36 pm (UTC)
Triggers are things our brain relates to our experiences, not the things we are "supposed" to get upset about. Even good things can be triggers; if you feel loved and it's a novel experience it can remind you of those times when you could of felt this way and didn't get to. People being nice to me always makes me cry.

We don't ever get to choose how our parents respond to us, but it is completely valid to mourn for the idea of "mother" that we didn't get to experience. "Mother" is a huge archetype that some women fail utterly to live up to, but it isn't because of anything their children did. It's a huge reality to learn to live with, but it's true.

Things can get better. It is a slow, painful process and sometimes things get worse before they improve, but they can get better.
19th-Feb-2008 05:06 pm (UTC)
Thanks. Still learning to live with the reality. Last night and early this morning it hit me a little hard. But I'm okay now. Reminding myself that I'm special the way I am, that I can't let her hold me back. The pep talk's actually been working today...

19th-Feb-2008 07:39 pm (UTC)
Everyone's got triggers, even folks who haven't been abused. Trauma makes triggers, and it doesn't mean you're weak or bad or anything like that. We are taught, and it's ingrained in our very being, that our parents are supposed to love us unconditionally.

And when they don't, we are shattered inside. We immediately think it's our fault, that there must be something wrong with us, but it's not us. It's not us at all. There is definitely love to be found by those whose mothers didn't love them.

Thinking about my own mother, and how she loved the idea of me more than she actually loved me sends me on a rollercoaster, too.

But just know that you are lovable, and there's nothing wrong with you.
19th-Feb-2008 07:55 pm (UTC)
I needed the support and you guys are giving it in spades. It's much appreciated.

Feeling much better than when I posted and trying to find things to laugh at is helping a lot.

Thank you thank you thank you!

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