wildwordwomyn (wildwordwomyn) wrote in _survivors_,

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Here's the thing about triggers. Usually I'm fine with reading about or watching stuff on child abuse. Usually I can read people's entries here and be okay. If anything I feel sorry for others and that's the only trigger. Product of my dissociation, I know. But I don't push because nothing happens when I try. I have to let myself feel in my own time. I say this because last night my girlfriend and I watched "Gone, Baby, Gone". And I thought I would be fine, thought I was fine. Until near the end when my head started going, thinking, wondering. Which got me to thinking about my mother. Wich brought up the whole if my mother doesn't love me why would anyone else track I tend to keep on repeat in the back of my mind. Yeah, I know, unhealthy. For some reason I heard that message loud and clear last night even while L- held me. And I started crying. At first L- was great, then distant, then great again. I know she's got issues around intimacy as much as I do so I was cool with it. And then I wasn't. Just felt like I was going back and forth on what my mood wanted to be. Now I feel like she felt last night. Scared and unsure and wondering if this will ever end. You know what's really amazing? With all L-'s faults she still shows me more love than my mother. And I still want my mother to love me. I mean I know she does. But not the way I need. Yeah, I know, but it doesn't make me feel any better. So I guess this is my trigger. Seeing a mother in a movie who was distant from her daughter, who treated her more like a burden than a gift. And now I feel like shit. I'm just hoping I don't cry at my desk cause that would suck..... 
Tags: abuse: child, triggers: discussion of
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