Ashley (kurai_tenshi21) wrote in _survivors_,

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It started back last weekend. When me and my brother were using coke and smoking weed before my dad's birthday. I was scared shit-less about seeing my father again, it's been over two years since I last dealt with the bastard. But my mom wanted the whole family to get together to celebrate my dad's 50th birthday. So I went, and I was so scared about dealing with him (for those who don't know he was my rapist on multiple occasions.)
So this is where the flash backs started. The night before I spent the night at my mom's house. So we could get the house ready for 'party time'. That whole night I stayed up using coke and smoking weed to make the feelings go away. But it didn't help at all. I ended up going into a full panic attack. And seeing my dad in the morning just set me off. I couldn't talk at all. And breathing came in gasps. I was just so fucking scared of seeing him again. And the drugs that I did the night before just made me worse.
I had seen my councilor the day before, and we talked about how I would be feeling with dealing with my dad. And everything that I said would happen did happen. Though he didn't touch me, the looks that he was giving me were bad enough. That look that said I want you.. in the way that no father should look at there daughter. It gave me the creeps as it always will.
But the other things that have been going on with my friends.. its like they don't recognize me... for it is like that I have changed from a person that they would like to a complete and utter bitch. My doctor decided to change my bi-polar and migraine meds. And nether one of the pills prescribed are working. I am constantly biting peoples heads off. And am in a freaking ton of pain. I don't know how to handle being like this. And am starting to scare my self, because the only way that I can find true release is to commit suicide. And I am feeling like that is my only way out of this bloody life time.
People don't want to deal with me when they need someone to talk to. So I feel like a useless friend, daughter and sister. It's like no body wants to deal with me anymore. So I feel so alone in going through these changes.
It feels like everything is happening at once. And I can do nothing to make my self feel better. So I write what I feel, and sure that helps some, but it seems like no body reads or cares about what I do.
So if I did decide to commit suicide, would that make peoples life easier with out me? Or do I need to stay strong for those who seemingly care?
I know not any more.
But thanks for reading my confusing post. For this post goes with my mind, and that is in the stream of consciousness.
Tags: abuse: incest, anxiety, suicidal thoughts

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