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It started back last weekend. When me and my brother were using coke… 
11th-Feb-2008 07:09 pm
It started back last weekend. When me and my brother were using coke and smoking weed before my dad's birthday. I was scared shit-less about seeing my father again, it's been over two years since I last dealt with the bastard. But my mom wanted the whole family to get together to celebrate my dad's 50th birthday. So I went, and I was so scared about dealing with him (for those who don't know he was my rapist on multiple occasions.)
So this is where the flash backs started. The night before I spent the night at my mom's house. So we could get the house ready for 'party time'. That whole night I stayed up using coke and smoking weed to make the feelings go away. But it didn't help at all. I ended up going into a full panic attack. And seeing my dad in the morning just set me off. I couldn't talk at all. And breathing came in gasps. I was just so fucking scared of seeing him again. And the drugs that I did the night before just made me worse.
I had seen my councilor the day before, and we talked about how I would be feeling with dealing with my dad. And everything that I said would happen did happen. Though he didn't touch me, the looks that he was giving me were bad enough. That look that said I want you.. in the way that no father should look at there daughter. It gave me the creeps as it always will.
But the other things that have been going on with my friends.. its like they don't recognize me... for it is like that I have changed from a person that they would like to a complete and utter bitch. My doctor decided to change my bi-polar and migraine meds. And nether one of the pills prescribed are working. I am constantly biting peoples heads off. And am in a freaking ton of pain. I don't know how to handle being like this. And am starting to scare my self, because the only way that I can find true release is to commit suicide. And I am feeling like that is my only way out of this bloody life time.
People don't want to deal with me when they need someone to talk to. So I feel like a useless friend, daughter and sister. It's like no body wants to deal with me anymore. So I feel so alone in going through these changes.
It feels like everything is happening at once. And I can do nothing to make my self feel better. So I write what I feel, and sure that helps some, but it seems like no body reads or cares about what I do.
So if I did decide to commit suicide, would that make peoples life easier with out me? Or do I need to stay strong for those who seemingly care?
I know not any more.
But thanks for reading my confusing post. For this post goes with my mind, and that is in the stream of consciousness.
12th-Feb-2008 03:07 am (UTC)
Can you call your doctor asap and tell him about this? He a)should know and b)SHOULD do something to help you.

I'm sorry things are hard. I'm- not meaning to prod too much, but from my friends who're bipolar I know coke can REALLY mess you up (much more then regular people) esp. with God knows how interactions with your meds. Does your pdoc know you use street drugs? For me stress can really really agravate my migraines- but I hear you on how bad that can be.

Gentle thoughts,
12th-Feb-2008 04:38 am (UTC)
No one's life is ever made easier by someone's death. Any issues they might wish to resolve with you won't get fixed by your lack of existence.

You definitely need to talk to your doctor and have your meds changed. If they're not helping you, you need to have them switched. Also, and I know you know this - cocaine and marijuana both can *seriously* mess with medications, and cocaine especially can heighten and intensify hypervigilance, and add more energy to flashbacks and triggered feelings.

I know why you do coke and smoke pot - I am a recovering alcoholic, and I understand the draw to drugs to relieve the pain. Just understand that they only ever make things worse in the long run. Be gentle with yourself - so many people have hurt you in your life, it's okay for you to treat yourself gently.

You don't ever need to "stay strong" for someone. Get through what you can, how you can. I can assure you - though it's a long, hard road away from drugs and away from the flashbacks and everything else - things can, will, and DO get better.
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