the rest is cut for anxiety regarding the other, upcoming doctor appointment
So the time has come. i don't know why i do these things to myself but for some reason when i am anticipating something bad i let it happen in worst form. and so i did not call my doctor or the rape crisis center to prepare for my first pelvic exam.
i don't know why but for some reason i feel like i should do this alone.
i am also going out of town this weekend and i am going to the appointment pretty much right off the bus back. i am not sure if this was a good or bad decision. at first i thought it was pretty stupid, but now it seems better because the friend i am visiting now knows what is in store for me on Monday and is a fellow survivor and we will have a good time so i think it will be good, and i always enjoy the chance to get out of the damn state i live in, where i often run into abusive family members, or else other triggers.
i did talk to my therapist though and it was fairly helpful. i told him that i just didn't have the energy to even plan for this, that i don't have the energy to even think about triggers let alone to be triggered, so i'll just let the shit hit the fan at the occurence rather than be in distress for the entire time preceding the event. i told him i do have the plan to make sure that i can talk to the doctor before i have to take my clothes off, because i know once i see that gown i am gone. i plan on asking the doctor to make sure he understands what he is dealing with, that there are numerous possibilities of how i will react, from anxiety attack to seizure, i need him to be prepared and be the one who's stable because he has done this 40 odd times and i have done it 0. i will demand he tells me everything he is going to do before he does it. i will ask for a nurse or someone to squeeze my hand so i can have something real, like tangible inconsequential pain such as a strong hold, to focus on. if i don't feel confident that the doctor can deal with me properly, i just won't do it. i should have prepared better beforehand, i know that, my hectic life and inability to deal with my issues properly just got in the way.
but i know i can just say No if need be, and then do what i should have done: Coordinate with the rape crisis center and maybe do the pelvic at Planned Parenthood or another doctor at the place i am seeing this one, so long as it's prepared for and checked out for trauma sensitivity.
okay now i feel a little more like i prepared. of course nothing will prepare me for the emotions or physical reactions i may have. i might make an exception to my generally drug-free attitude and ask for what my options are. valium or whatnot for emergencies i feel like will be justifiable for me. and this is definitely an emergency.
thank you all for being here.
i hope you are safe and healthy and happy (and for those whom it applies, warm!)