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okay okay i can do this 
25th-Jan-2008 11:14 am
make it stopp fuzzy
thank you all for the replies to my last post. the CT scan was not the scary kind. i got the contrast injected but i don't mind needles & that kind of pain. thanks again.

the rest is cut for anxiety regarding the other, upcoming doctor appointment

So the time has come. i don't know why i do these things to myself but for some reason when i am anticipating something bad i let it happen in worst form. and so i did not call my doctor or the rape crisis center to prepare for my first pelvic exam.
i don't know why but for some reason i feel like i should do this alone.
i am also going out of town this weekend and i am going to the appointment pretty much right off the bus back. i am not sure if this was a good or bad decision. at first i thought it was pretty stupid, but now it seems better because the friend i am visiting now knows what is in store for me on Monday and is a fellow survivor and we will have a good time so i think it will be good, and i always enjoy the chance to get out of the damn state i live in, where i often run into abusive family members, or else other triggers.

i did talk to my therapist though and it was fairly helpful. i told him that i just didn't have the energy to even plan for this, that i don't have the energy to even think about triggers let alone to be triggered, so i'll just let the shit hit the fan at the occurence rather than be in distress for the entire time preceding the event. i told him i do have the plan to make sure that i can talk to the doctor before i have to take my clothes off, because i know once i see that gown i am gone. i plan on asking the doctor to make sure he understands what he is dealing with, that there are numerous possibilities of how i will react, from anxiety attack to seizure, i need him to be prepared and be the one who's stable because he has done this 40 odd times and i have done it 0. i will demand he tells me everything he is going to do before he does it. i will ask for a nurse or someone to squeeze my hand so i can have something real, like tangible inconsequential pain such as a strong hold, to focus on. if i don't feel confident that the doctor can deal with me properly, i just won't do it. i should have prepared better beforehand, i know that, my hectic life and inability to deal with my issues properly just got in the way.
but i know i can just say No if need be, and then do what i should have done: Coordinate with the rape crisis center and maybe do the pelvic at Planned Parenthood or another doctor at the place i am seeing this one, so long as it's prepared for and checked out for trauma sensitivity.

okay now i feel a little more like i prepared. of course nothing will prepare me for the emotions or physical reactions i may have. i might make an exception to my generally drug-free attitude and ask for what my options are. valium or whatnot for emergencies i feel like will be justifiable for me. and this is definitely an emergency.

thank you all for being here.
i hope you are safe and healthy and happy (and for those whom it applies, warm!)
25th-Jan-2008 04:53 pm (UTC)
best of luck with all this, yr in my happy thoughts. feel free to contact me before or after if you'd like

25th-Jan-2008 05:17 pm (UTC)
thank you, friend. i hope you have a great weekend
25th-Jan-2008 10:57 pm (UTC)
I've been through several, and it does get easier. I've always gone by myself, because I started at age 18, and I didn't seek help until I was almost 20. (I'm almost 23 now). Honestly, I don't think I'd want anyone to be there with me, because the more people in the room, the more anxious I am. But your situation may be different, it might help you to have someone in the waiting room with you, if not the actual exam room.

Male doctors should always have a female nurse in the room with them, and often female ones will too, to help them do everything. I have a female doctor that I've been going to for several years, and I have her do everything alone. She tells me what she's doing, and I also ask that she talks to me- just small talk, to keep me grounded. I have a tendency to dissociate, and that helps keep me real.

I didn't tell her about my history the first few times I saw her, but it's gotten a LOT easier since I have. I'm guessing she had an idea from the way I freaked out, but knowing she knows makes me more comfortable. I do take a Xanax before I go, to take the edge off. I also tell the nurse beforehand that I need to talk to my doctor, and remind her of the certain way we do things.

Honestly, it sounds like you'd rather wait and do it a way that you think would make you more comfortable. Maybe you can call the office and reschedule and explain your situation. Is there anyone in the rape crisis center who would be able to go along with you? Would you be more comfortable seeing a female? Do you have someone who can prescribe you an anti-anxiety med beforehand? The office may be willing to call in something for you if you explain your situation. Also, assuming you'll need a checkup every year, you might want to stick with the private office so you can see the same person and establish a relationship, not have to explain the same things over and over.

I guess to summarize: don't rule out your options. I should hope any GYN would be sensitive to your situation and take extra care and be gentle, but this is just what's worked for me.
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