// (velvet_burns) wrote in _survivors_,
//
velvet_burns
_survivors_

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I just had one of the worst mornings I've had in a long time.

I was able to tell my stepdad about the rapes the night before we got the dog (read: less than a week ago), and he told me that I should go to an STI clinic to be checked out, because there was no way of knowing if I was clean, even though the last rape was almost 2 years ago.

So this morning, he said "let's make an appointment for today" because he knows that if I think about things for too long, I end up panicking and freaking out. I said okay. We got in the car and drove towards Hastings. On the way there I realised that the last time I'd been in Hastings was about 3 and a half years ago, when I was with Tim (my first abuser). As we drove along the road I had flashbacks of being in the car with him, his hand on my leg. I remembered what we'd been talking about, I remembered everything. It made my skin crawl, because of what had happened just a few weeks after our trip to the seaside. By the time we got to the clinic I was already crying, and was able to blurt out to my stepdad what was wrong. "If I'd known," he said, "we would have gone to another town."

Inside the clinic I was able to control my crying and shaking for long enough to fill in their form and wait for a bit. Then the woman - Marie - came out and asked me to go with her.

As soon as I made it inside the room I started crying, hyperventilating and shaking. She made me tell her about what had happened, and about my sexual history over the last year. We covered all the information that she wanted, and then she made me remove my jeans and sit on the bed. I was freaking out, crying, and the tears ran down my face into my hair as I lay down. When she made me spread my legs I was shaking so bad, my teeth were chattering, I was ridiculously tense and she got another woman to come in and hold my hand as she did the tests.

I cried, and it was so uncomfortable, it hurt, and I cried out "stop it! It hurts!" I wanted them to all go away, I wanted to curl up in a little ball and sob my eyes out. In the end they completed the tests and I clung to Marie, shaking and crying. After that, I got dressed and my stepdad came in for Marie to do the blood tests. I cried so much, I was having flashbacks all over the place of both times and it was just so horrendous, I clung to my stepdad and sobbed and sobbed like my life was ending.

Afterwards, I had a cigarette in the car park and ended up clinging to my stepdad and crying more. I've been crying on and off since then. I'm so drained. I feel violated, it's brought back all the memories of both rapes and I just can't stand this.

My stepdad is so full of how brave I've been and how proud he is of me. I just want to curl up and cry, and to have people who I love around me because I need so desperately to be loved and supported right now.
Tags: anxiety, flashbacks, rape, telling others
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