artzgirl1987 (artzgirl1987) wrote in _survivors_,

  • Mood:

Losing feeling?

I dunno what's wrong with me lately, but I've just been desensitised to abuse.
What others are going through... putting blame on others. I think I'm still blaming myself. Pretty much the bull shit that I went through. People asking me why I just didn't say no. Telling me I shoulda just left. Asking why I put myself in that situation. I said "no" wrong. You can't say it with a smile on your face or he won't think you're serious. It isn't actually rape if all you did was dissociate. You could've told him you didn't want it, but you didn't. I'm feeling this way towards my fellow survivors. I'm still haunted by my rape that actually wasn't a rape because I dissociated and should've technically been able to tell him no. It happened two years ago though... it still kinda feels new. Intimacy with my b/f was even difficult. It's pissing me off!

Why am I feeling this way? What making me so cold? I feel angry almost, but it hurts too. I feel like something is being ripped out of me. Maybe my heart? I wish it would just go away sometimes. 
Tags: depersonalization/derealization, dissociation
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