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_Survivors_
A safe space to share stories and ask questions
Losing feeling? 
3rd-Jan-2008 02:41 pm
I dunno what's wrong with me lately, but I've just been desensitised to abuse.
What others are going through... putting blame on others. I think I'm still blaming myself. Pretty much the bull shit that I went through. People asking me why I just didn't say no. Telling me I shoulda just left. Asking why I put myself in that situation. I said "no" wrong. You can't say it with a smile on your face or he won't think you're serious. It isn't actually rape if all you did was dissociate. You could've told him you didn't want it, but you didn't. I'm feeling this way towards my fellow survivors. I'm still haunted by my rape that actually wasn't a rape because I dissociated and should've technically been able to tell him no. It happened two years ago though... it still kinda feels new. Intimacy with my b/f was even difficult. It's pissing me off!

Why am I feeling this way? What making me so cold? I feel angry almost, but it hurts too. I feel like something is being ripped out of me. Maybe my heart? I wish it would just go away sometimes. 
Comments 
4th-Jan-2008 01:35 pm (UTC)
I also had a hard time getting past the idea that I somehow was repsonsible for my own rape and the emotional abuse he put me through. Everyone reacts to it differently, in their own way. I didn't even acknowledge it was rape until much later. It could be that you're not calloused about it so much as numb about it. Looking back, I think I was numbed to it, because I denyed it was rape until much later. Being numb about it, and putting a more calloused view on it also makes it easy to deny just how hurtful it was, because denying it makes it easier to cope with it, at least, until the effects trip you up.

Part of my healing process was to deny it, then get angry about it. It's hard not to believe the myths about rape when they're everywhere. This makes it really hard to accept that what happened to us really is rape, and that we're not to blame for it. Our abusers reinforce this in any way they can. For example, mine told me that it was as if I had raped myself, and he always made everything out to be my fault. It's like brainwashing, and it's too easy to believe, especially if we have no faith in ourselves.

If you put up that wall, and tell yourself you could have prevented it, it's as if you can regain some of that control you lost, and avoid it again in the future. Maybe in the process of doing that, you have to believe the same thing about other survivors, because if you don't, you have to accept just how much it hurt you. Does that make sense?

I still get angry about my own abuse and rape. By raping me he stole from me, and I still miss what he stole, and can't seem to get it back. Even after so many years it still affects me, even in my relationship with my husband. I also wish it would just go away and stop bothering me!
5th-Jan-2008 03:55 am (UTC)
Thank you for sharing. It pisses me off too... it makes me mad that it effects my relationship with my boy friend too. He's a good guy and he deals with a lot from me because of this. It also makes me mad that I'm still rustling with the blame after all this time. I thought I was doing so well then it's all starting to come back for whatever reason.

Also... I did get those responces. They were sent to my email. I'm sorry I didn't get back to you sooner. I had posted that on my lunch break because I needed to get it out... and I haven't been able to get back on until now.
5th-Jan-2008 04:30 am (UTC)
I hear you!

It's okay, I can understand being unable to get to it because of work.
I've gone ahead and reposted the entry for you, complete with the comments you had recived from both posts, just in case.

5th-Jan-2008 04:40 am (UTC)
Yay! =) Thank you.
5th-Jan-2008 05:05 am (UTC)
I wrestled with something like this many years ago. This was when I was still with my ex-husband, and still very much brainwashed. So, I am actually surprised I was able to reason this out like this, but I wrote it in my journal and when I left my ex-husband I read it and it made so much sense then! I no longer have my journal; I burned all those papers. But, when I was writing about a particularly bad sex episode, that I had consented to in order to please him, I wrote,

"I feel like he just raped my soul."

There are many levels of force, and even if we consent on the physical it doesn't mean we have actually consented on the emotional, it just means we haven't been able to protect the Emotional Self right then. And, whoever is with us really probably knows this, and is playing games with our reasoning abilities.

Contrast helps -- a month or so ago my current husband and I were having sex. For some reason, I don't recall what, the word "no" slipped past my lips. I said it very, very softly -- barely audible. He immediately opened his hands to wide open palm, and removed them from my body. He was instantly still and backed off with his energy. This was during the "heat of passion." He lay there without moving until I pulled him towards me and resumed the energy.

THAT is how a loving partner treats their loved one. That is what love is about.

Lots of excuses are made, but anyone who has sex with someone else, knowing they don't really want to be doing it, even if they have reluctantly consented while under pressure, is a rapist. At least that is what I believe.

5th-Jan-2008 08:13 am (UTC)
Hm... wow. Thank you for that. I think your last statement is very true.

My boy friend is good with understanding. He was actually raped. Sometimes when I'm triggered I'll be reluctant, but I won't be honest as to why. When I do that... he still persues me. I'll just make up excuses, or whatever. This last time around I was triggered. I hadn't been in a long time... I was pissed that I was... and I tried to just push it away and play the relutancy game until it was gone enough. I couldn't do it, and I ended up be honest with him. He stopped immediately and we talked about it. I didn't really want to, but I sorta needed to, and I felt slightly better afterwards. Then... as soon as we were done talking he started persuing again because he thought I felt better. I was still a little reluctant, but I pushed it away. I feel like though... when I'm triggered I need him to do what your current husband did. Back off until I persue again.... even if it's in the heat of the moment. I would hate to do that to him... I imagine it would be frustrating. At the same time though, I hate to do that to myself. How can I get any better if I don't listen to what I need, right?
5th-Jan-2008 01:06 pm (UTC)
My husband and I have been together for almost eighteen years. One thing we realized early on, and have discovered recently is still true to a significant degree, is that if he approaches me *at all*, I cannot participate open-heartedly in a sexual union. I feel pressured, and I go into a high-stress mode. Fortunately, my sex drive has been higher than his, so it hasn't been too much of an issue. But, if he is interested to the point of sexually approaching me, the most he will do is to ask me if I "want to lay down" -- and then if/when we do he will be content for any amount of intimacy, even if all we do is lay and cuddle.

I am telling you this because I want you to know this is how a survivor needs to be, deserves to be, treated. You deserve that same consideration for yourself!

Another thing which has helped he and I, and might help you, was that early on in our relationship, when I was getting triggered a lot during sex, we found a non-verbal way to communicate. Often when I am triggered I go non-verbal. So, if I was triggered during intimacy, I couldn't tell him that. And, if I could not tell him and I continued, it was very detrimental to our overall relationship -- and that is really what couples need to keep an eye on: how do our sexual interactions effect the whole of our relationship? So, in order to get beyond that we found a body sign to use. Actually, we use the old footbal "time-out" signal. That is a body movement which is not going to happen accidently, and it was something I could do without talking. So, if you are having problems verbally communicating, then find a way to work non-verbally. But, for a healthy relationship to develop, you need to be able to trust your partner enough to let them know when you are being triggered.

7th-Jan-2008 05:36 am (UTC)
Thank you so much for your advice. I'm definitely going to talk to him about that. I think I need to comunicate more and be honest with him when I'm triggered. Then... I defintely need him to back off when I am and just let me do the persuing. I think that would help so much.
6th-Jan-2008 04:55 am (UTC) - Possibley Triggering Comment, mentions of rape and disrespect.
I agree with everything you've written here in this comment. Especially this: "Lots of excuses are made, but anyone who has sex with someone else, knowing they don't really want to be doing it, even if they have reluctantly consented while under pressure, is a rapist."
This is exactly what made my own experience rape. He knew I did not want to participate in actual sex right then, he knew I was scared and nervous, yet even so he pressured me into agreeing to sex with him. I cried during nearly the whole entire thing, and was in pain, yet he chose to yell at me during it, then to accuse me of having raped myself immediately after. He knew what he was doing, and it's taken me a long time to really come to grips with that. He is a rapist, and every single other individual, male or female, who does this to someone is also a rapist.

I think it starts with disrespect. It is a disrespect that ignores us as individuals, with rights to our own autonomy, views, opinions, and safety. This is why it is so important that there be respect and consideration in relationships. Without that respect, without that consideration of the other person as a genuine individual with their own needs and desires, there can be no truly equal partnership, and the relationship turns into one of servitude and abuse. He did not respect me and showed it in so many ways. By the time the relationship was over, it was indeed as though he had raped my spirit.
7th-Jan-2008 05:31 am (UTC) - Re: Possibley Triggering Comment, mentions of rape and disrespect.
It makes me so sad and angry to hear/ read stories like yours. I wish some people weren't such animals. It's so disgusting. =(

Thank you for sharing though. =)

::hugs::
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