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My Story... 
4th-Apr-2005 04:12 pm
butch with cigar
I've posted here before, but not with my

In the beginning of 8th grade, I hooked up with this guy (we'll call him Joe)... a basic middle-school "let's make out for fun" kind of thing. He had shown interest in me, and at the time I was desperate for anyone who might want me. We "went out" for about an hour before we went into the woods behind the football field at one of the high school's football games to go make out. I had taken my shirt off, when he asked me to go down on him. I was hesitant, then said no. He continued to plead with me, then asked me if I would do it for money. I was offended and said no, and later he began to push my head down. After a while, I felt guilty/scared enough that I did it. I didn't tell anyone for about 2 1/2 years.

My concern is that I don't have many (if any) triggers. If put in a room with him, I might jump him and beat him to a pulp, but other than that... I can watch a movie with rape in it; the woods at night don't bother me; I'm not plagued by going down on a guy (even though I haven't for a while); the thought of whoring doesn't evoke more than a sympathetic response. The rape itself is more of a trigger. These past two weeks or so, it's triggered a whole lot.

Talking about it with my therapist, we both think that there's a significant chance that there is something else behind it, something that I've pushed so far back that I can't consciously think about it. I've been seeing her quite a bit lately and we've been going through childhood memories, but I come to a wall at a point and my memories just kind of... vanish. She's suggested hypnotherapy, or something of the like.

Has anyone here had this problem, or gone through hypnotherapy? What was it like... what could I expect? Any advice?

I'd appreciate any input you might have.

4th-Apr-2005 03:27 pm (UTC)
I was told the same type of things when I started to remember, and I found out that I was abused when I was younger. That doesn't mean you were, but it's worth looking into. But stay safe babe! :-) -Brittany
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4th-Apr-2005 03:47 pm (UTC)
yes, thank you. A lot better. :-)
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4th-Apr-2005 07:29 pm (UTC)
oh... *minor detail* I was admitted to a mental hospital about a week ago because of a couple bouts of rage I had... after which I was pretty quickly released, because I'm able to surpress it very well. I never told them what was wrong, so they could never trigger me.

Two weeks ago, I realized I was raped two and a half years ago. This triggered some unstability, which climaxed a couple times, last sunday and monday. (see above)

sorry, that was pretty nonsensical. but... yeah. it's a feeling I get, that I have something hidden... and I want to find out what it is, because of this intense rage the rape provokes.

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5th-Apr-2005 05:55 pm (UTC)
mmm... sounds wonderful.
5th-Apr-2005 12:23 pm (UTC)
is that not fucked up or what? Our culture that thinks we should be institutionalized for expressing rage at having been raped. I think you sound pretty damn normal. It could just be that you are good at supressing it. While i was being raped by my boyfriend (but didn't know it was rape) i went to see a therapist because i was made to believe i had an irrational fear of sex (duh!). the therapist almost immediately said i would need intense therapy due to repressed memories i had of being molested as a child. i never was molested as a child. i was being raped right then. so, i would be very careful with this whole hypnotherapy thing. i seriously think that rage is a very normal response to a perceived threat and when triggered, that rage comes rushing right back. perhaps you need assistance in releasing it healthily, but please know that it is a healthy sign that you are experiencing it.
5th-Apr-2005 12:29 pm (UTC)
i'm not saying don't do it, but if your gut tells you you aren't ready for it listen up. if you totally trust your therapist, then it might be worth your while. i'm pissy and skeptical based on my own experience. i don't want to negatively influence yours.
5th-Apr-2005 06:13 pm (UTC)
yeah, I've got the most awesome therapist ever, so I trust her a whole bunch. partly, too, I've stopped fighting against psychotherapy... that took a long time itself.
5th-Apr-2005 06:07 pm (UTC)
Thanks for the advice. :)

Part of my problem, though, is that often the rage grows out of control, and if I don't turn it to others, I usually end up turning it to myself. It hasn't been a one-time thing.

I'm worried about the possiblility of false memories, too, so I'm hesitant. Also, I've recently been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder II, and I'm not sure if that comes from outside circumstances or not... I guess I'll play it by ear.

*I love your icon.
9th-Apr-2005 11:10 am (UTC)
Rage is a bitch of an emotion. I've only rarely had mine explode on other people. More often it was against myself (hence the icon :) thanks, by the way). I certainly wish you nothing but the best in your healing. Do you have a punching bag or something? Someone gave me some kickboxing pads to beat the hell out of and that helps a lot. I used to serve volleyballs overhand and imagine someone's face on it as I nailed it.

I'm just worried that you are judging yourself for experiencing rage. Not to say that it isn't helpful or necessary to have someone guide you into channeling it in a positive direction if it is "out of control" as you say. I dunno, I guess if all survivors were more comfortable expressing rage I think the statistics would change drastically in our favor..

I hope you find peace. It sounds like you are taking all the right steps.
4th-Apr-2005 04:48 pm (UTC)
I have memory issues as well. I know I wasn't molested, I just don't have the best memory. I can remember far back, but I can't remember much until I was much older.

There aren't very many things that are a trigger for me. I have never been triggered by reading other people's stories or things like that. I am triggered by being contacted by my rapist and a few times from having sex and I flashed back to the rape. But sex in general, rape scenes, reading books about people's rapes, I find it more interesting and helpful to me than triggering.

Be safe hun. I don't know about your situation or about your doctor, but I knew a woman who went into therapy and came out of it absolutely convinced she had been raped by her father when she was young. Later evidence proved that it wasn't true and she didn't have 'repressed' memories but rather 'planted' memories. I am NOT saying that you weren't molested as a child. Just work on remembering your childhood rather than convincing yourself you can't remember something. *hug* I say go for the hypnotherapy. Who knows? You won't know if it works until you try it!
4th-Apr-2005 07:33 pm (UTC)
:hug back:

thanks. yeah... my psychologist was worried about planting memories, so she was pretty cautious about actually recommending it to me, but I had some out-of-context, odd memories that I told her that made her wonder a little bit.

part of it, too, is that it seems so... dramatic. *sigh*

I don't know. I think I want to try the hypnotherapy.
4th-Apr-2005 08:43 pm (UTC)
I think I want to try hypnotherapy too. Or maybe EMDR - soemthing to do with eye movement that helps with clarity, and possinly clarity of memories... I don't know. It's hard to tell what's for real and might work, and what's just bullshit. I don't know.
4th-Apr-2005 09:10 pm (UTC)
yeah, my therapist also brought up EMDR, although I'm not completely sure what it is.
5th-Apr-2005 12:26 pm (UTC)
it is staring at the tip of the pen while they wave it back and forth in front of your eyes as you process certain memories. it may work for some. it didn't work and the therapist got upset with me for blocking it. i in turn got pissed at her. i didn't like her so that probably had something to do with why it wasn't working. i found someone else who doesn't do that and have made a lot of progress reconnecting with memories i had blocked out in other ways, journaling over and over again with the fragments i do have while writing in first person present tense works the best for me.
5th-Apr-2005 06:10 pm (UTC)
your therapist got mad at you? now that, dear, seems like bullshit. that's completely counterproductive... maybe you had a shitty therapist, lol.

what other methods have you used?
9th-Apr-2005 10:58 am (UTC)
Yes indeed. That was my last session with her. I have since found a therapist that doesn't push me...that spent what seemed like forever building a trusting relationship before she even attempted to talk to me about this stuff. I TOTALLY trust her. She has me journal and retell the story as if I am right there in the moment to help me reconnect to the feelings and the memories. It seems to work. I've recalled much more and it has brought up a lot of shitty feelings that were buried for years...but I knew it would get worse before it got better. Now it is getting better. I'm on the upswing (I think).
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