mauvedragon (mauvedragon) wrote in _survivors_,

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Not doing so well

On Sunday I went with my parents to a church of my choice (MCC as it happens) in what was meant to be a healing experience for all of us. We all benefited from it including me but I was extremely triggered afterwards. From Sunday night to Tuesday night I had real trouble with getting to bed at an early enough hour. Normal bedtime for me is sometime between 12:30 and 1:30. I also regularly drink lemon balm tea before bed to help me relax sufficiently to sleep. This has cut down how often I have problems with sleep. Friday morning I woke up completely covered in sweat from a bad dream. Last night I woke up twice covered in sweat from a bad dream. The first time was just before 5 and I stayed awake for an hour distracting myself before trying to sleep again. The second time it was late enough for me to get up. Usually when I have particularly bad dreams only my legs end up covered in sweat. This is also an increased frequency.

Thursday we had a number of thunderstorms and flash flooding. I got stuck at a station and had to call dad to pick me up and run me back to my place. We've continued to have wet weather since then. This changeable weather has made my back tense up all the time and health problems never do anything good for my emotional state.

The last time I had a fight with Mum was at Easter and it was about religion. My parents are mainstream Christians, I'm a Christian Heretic and Kemetic reconstructionist. I don't want to fight anymore but the stress of Christmas means that it is particularly likely at this time of year. Mum gets stressed by the changed commercial conditions at Christmas and by having to help organise food for the our Christmas dinner as an extended family. I just get stressed about the amount of family time I may have. Christmas day I'm spending two meals with various parts of the extended family, my parents and my brother. I'm also spending a short time on boxing day so I can see my Aunt, Uncle and cousins. The other hot topic is my identity as a Queer and my attitudes to relationships.

So I've been stressed, anxious and unhappy lately. This evening I was suficiently depressed that I couldn't find something that appealed to me for dinner. Although I did end up eating. I haven't had that problem in months.


Tags: anxiety, depression, family, nightmares

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