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Cut for--- feeling like I am forced into having sex, memories of rape… 
16th-Dec-2007 09:38 pm
Cut for--- feeling like I am forced into having sex, memories of rape (no details), suicidal ideas, feeling like things are out of control, cutting, family issues, smoking pot, drinking, and the possibility of being pregnant.
This post is going to be jumping back and forth, like where ever my thoughts go-- then I will be typing it out like that. Just saying. Now on to my post.

The things that have been going on with my family for the past month, have been taking control with my life. I feel as though everything is going out of control, and I feel hopeless to help anybody in my family out.
But that is not the point. I hit the two year anniversary for my last rape. And the memories of it is running through my head. And it hurts. So very much.
Plus this time of year really gets me down, the holidays and all. And not really having a true family to go to do the normal christmas thing. So I have been thinking about suicide lately. And that hurts to. So instead of dealing with my thoughts, I have been smoking pot, and drinking. To forget the pain. And sometimes it helps other times I get even more depressed.
And then every time I turn around, there is something happening around me. Be it with my friends or with my family. I just feel like I can't handle it anymore. And I know that I am stronger then that. But ya know-- it just doesn't feel like it.
Now we get to the fun part. Lately when ever I go hang out with my boyfriend, I feel as though I am just being used for sex. Thats all my boy friend ever thinks about. And of course I always give in. But I know it is my fault for giving in. Its just that I feel like some sort of slut because of me doing so. And I think I am pregnant because of this. But still I know that is my own fault. So I know I need to do a test to find out. And soon. Other wise I am going to be completely fucked (no pun intended.)
Also I have gone back to cutting. It makes me feel better-- just seeing the blood, and kinda going numb. I like that feeling but... It would have six months since my last cutting spree. And I thought I would have been able to go with out it. But still it feels as though I need it to function right now.

But that is really all that I can think of. My brain is jumbled right now. Maybe I'll add some more later.
Thanks for reading.
With hope.

17th-Dec-2007 07:55 am (UTC)
I'm so sorry. I know that sometimes it's harder to say no than it is to say yes when it comes to sex. Even when you're not worried about your boyfriend just wanting you for that reason.

I honestly wish I could give you some advice, I can't. But it's not just your fault. I know that sometimes men (er... some men. Especially those who are in the process of having most of their blood given to their lower brain, so to speak) aren't exactly... perceptive. But if you frequently do not feel into it or like you want to, he should be able to pick up SOMETHING is wrong.

There is NOTHING wrong with you wanting to please someone you have feelings for. It's natural. And human. It's hard to accept sometimes that to do right by people we also have to do right by ourselves, and sometimes that means saying no, demanding conversation...
18th-Dec-2007 03:09 pm (UTC)
I've had really similar feelings to the ones you're experiencing with your boyfriend. I've read that sometimes a trigger is experienced for a rape survivor as a general feeling of being coerced and misused. Reading that helped me understand what I was feeling. It didn't make it go away, but it helped me to understand.

I hope this helps.
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