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This is too much. 
3rd-Dec-2007 02:55 am

it's been almost a year, it will be on New Years Eve/New Years.

I've done such a good job of covering it up and acting like nothing happened that now I am forgetting details. The few details I remember, and it makes me feel as though I'm making it up when I do thinking about it.

I don't know if any of that makes any sense.

I never talk about what happened,  and only told 3 people about it-- well not even all  that went on but ya know. my teacher knows most, and I told her I couldn't talk to her anymore. I feel bad because I trust her the most but I don't want to trust her too much-- I know she would be there to talk to me if I needed it though. I just don't want a pity party.

and I can't even fit a counselor into my schedule between work and school. The only time I can get counseling is between 5:30-7p.m. and that is when most offices are on there last appointments for the day.

I'm angry, so angry. Not at him but at myself. I hate me to no end. but no one really knows that because I cover up my feelings. I always am just "ok" or I just say I'm tired.

I need to feel my feelings-- I haven't cried in almost a year. It's like I can't feel anymore.

ps: i'm sorry this is really negative, and sorry that I never comment anyone elses journals, I mean to but I guess I just get too caught up in my world.

I just want out.

pps. sorry for the spelling errors.
3rd-Dec-2007 04:06 pm (UTC) - Of course it makes sense.
You are doing what you need to do to survive. Of course you don't want to think about it. But it's better if you do. How awful is that. Give yourself some time each day to feel your feelings. Write them out (here or some private place) The more you record it the better you will be able to reframe what happenned.

Are you ashamed of what happenned? Because you are not at fault. No one asks to be raped. (It's a contraction in terms that) So work on moving that anger back to him where it belongs as a starter... Feelings will turn on you if you don't give them their respect. They will make you so depressed that you have to pay attention. In a way it's good. It makes us heal (or die).

You are going through the stages and that's good. I hope you can find a counselor that CAN work with your schedule. Don't give up on that!

I appreciate people who lurk. And watch and learn. Once you feel like you have learned something then you can contribute. That's is so okay with me.
4th-Dec-2007 03:42 pm (UTC) - Re: Of course it makes sense.
thank you for replying, and reading what you said made me feel better. I do write but not nearly as much as I should... It would probably help a whole lot and I take karate so I think I will start going to class a head of time to punch the heck out of the padded walls--it'll probably help get some anger out.

I am ashamed, and have been told it wasn't my fault and have had a person say it was my fault. I know deep inside it wasn't all my fault but it's hard not to blame myself.

Yeah, thanks I hope the counseling thing works out as well-- even if I can't find a counselor maybe a group. I'll have to see.

Well that's good to hear that people don't mind me just posting on here,I just feel bad that I don't always have advice to give. I just suck at advice giving right now but once I get back on my feet I will:)

thank again!

3rd-Dec-2007 05:10 pm (UTC)
(((((safe hugs))))

It makes perfect sense. We all deal with negative emotions. Some of us on a daily basis, others once in a while.

There will come a time when the anger fades and with it will come grief and with the grief tears.

You are healing in your own way and that's what matters.
3rd-Dec-2007 08:48 pm (UTC)
I love your icon! I love Converse sneakers. Converse sneakers are a must for my wardrobe.
3rd-Dec-2007 10:17 pm (UTC)
Ditto! I never leave home without 'em :) People don't get my obsessive need to match my outfit to my chucks and not vice versa :)
4th-Dec-2007 03:46 pm (UTC)
thanks so much shivedheart:)

it means so much to me that you all are so understanding--I feel safe here.
3rd-Dec-2007 08:44 pm (UTC)
It does make sense. It's all too easy to turn that anger against ourselves. It's makes it more difficult because it's as though we're taking on the abuser's attitude. In hating ourselves, they've poisoned us so they don't even have to be around any more for the abuse to continue.

Anger can actually be a good thing, when used constructively. You don't deserve your anger, your abuser does. I know you know this, and I also know just how hard it is to put this into practice. Writing it all out is good, and there are other, healthy ways of getting it out too. Back off when it gets to be too much, but don't bury it. Burying it and pushing it down can make you depressed, which can be so incredibly hard to get away from.

Don't worry about the spelling errors. The point is to communicate, and to get this stuff out, not to win a spelling bee. I see so many people on the net focus only on spelling and grammar, and it shows they have missed the entire point of what they're reading. It also shows that they just want something to pick on, and spelling is an easy thing for them to critique. We're all here to help each other and try to heal from our abuse. That's so much more important than some spelling errors. If it helps any, I didn't even notice any spelling errors, because I was reading what you wrote, not how you wrote it.
4th-Dec-2007 09:45 pm (UTC)
Thanks for your reply.

wow. I have never thought of it as you stated it:

"It's makes it more difficult because it's as though we're taking on the abuser's attitude. In hating ourselves, they've poisoned us so they don't even have to be around any more for the abuse to continue."

it's exactly like you said.

That is my huge problem I always bury my anger, and that does leave me really depressed. I think that is my biggest problem but I am thinking about getting a punching bag or just going before class and punching the crap out of the walls in the judo padded room. although-- I think in the long run punching bags would be better because my last karate class is next Wednesday haha.

oh,I only mentioned the spelling because I have had people (not in this group)tell me to use spell check after spelling a few words wrong. But thanks to all of you for not making a big deal about it.:) I agree people should just read what people write instead pick apart things wrong with the way they wrote it-- it drives me nuts.

thanks for your advice, It has made me feel a lot better, that's why I post here because I know I can say what is on my mind without having someone attacking me for how I feel. I know I said this in a previous reply to someone who commented me but I do very safe in this community.
4th-Dec-2007 01:23 am (UTC)
I just went through my one year anniversary a few months ago. It really messed with me. Just get through it. That's all you need to do.
4th-Dec-2007 09:47 pm (UTC)
I'm sorry it messed with you and I hope that you are doing better by now. I think you are right, I guess all I have to do is feel what I am feeling and accept it. Thanks so much for the advice.
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