artzgirl1987 (artzgirl1987) wrote in _survivors_,
artzgirl1987
artzgirl1987
_survivors_

  • Mood:

Calloused?

Calloused or recovering? I dunno...

I just recently realised that I'm not effected by my sexual abuse. It makes me feel kinda sad, but I don't want to cut. I don't cry. It isn't disabling.

I was sexually abused for six months when I was 12. From ages 15 - 17 I would seek out men who wanted to do things to punish myself, make myself feel like a discusting whore. The last incedent, when I was 18, I lost control of, dissociated, and I unfortunately lost my virginity to him. I was out of body and watching myself get fucked in the ass... then vaginally... without a condom... yelling at myself to tell him to stop.

After than  incedent, I started cutting. I cut "whore" into my stomach.

I still get cutting urges... it isn't because of my sexual abuse though, AND I haven't cut in over a year. =)

Like I said... it makes me sad, but it doesn't hurt. It isn't crippling. I kinda have a "yeah, so?" attitude about it.

It feels good. It makes me feel empowered sorta.

Advice? Input? Words of wisdom?
Tags: abuse: sexual, self-injury
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