wildwordwomyn (wildwordwomyn) wrote in _survivors_,

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About The Letter

Mom got it in the mail yesterday. Called last night but I didn't answer so she left a message. The gist of it was that she can say the word "molest". (Though only once and you could tell she was forcing that out.) She loves me but she doesn't know what to do. She's talked with her son who says he didn't do anything to me. Then she's got me saying he did. She doesn't know what to think. And she didn't sound too keen on the fact that I agreed with her original suggestion that we not talk for a while. She's mad at herself for not protecting me. She didn't really know what else to say so she said bye and hung up. And all I could think after hearing the message was she's the one who thought time away from her might be good for me and now she wants to act like she didn't mean it. And then I thought, yeah, I'm upset about her not protecting me, but what's worse is that she put her guilt and shame about that on me as if I could handle it. As if it was fair of her to do. She used my love for her as a place to lay her own fears and anger. And it wasn't a one-time thing that I could've moved on from, that I could've forgiven and made our relationship better. She did it constantly. Time after time. Now she wants to say she's not "perfect", and neither am I, but that she loves me and she wants to make it work. Thing is she uses that imperfect excuse a lot. And I find myself thinking that I would never say some of the shit she has said to me over the years. I would never do some of the things that she's done. And I would somehow prove how much I loved my child instead of giving her words. Because she can say she loves me all she wants, but history shows that she only loves me as much as she can, and that isn't enough for me, I don't think. Not anymore. Truth is I don't feel safe with her. Not emotionally. I don't believe she has my best interests at heart. I don't know if I ever will again. So here's my question to you all: what would you do in my shoes? Make contact and see what happens and most likely get hurt again or give myself time away from her to try to make myself stronger and better?
Tags: abuse: sibling, telling others
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