I Wish I Was Forest Gump (synthetic_audio) wrote in _survivors_,
I Wish I Was Forest Gump

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Yesterday we had to read a short story in dutch class. I'm fluently dutch (and I live here), and I'm in an advanced class and we've been reading short stories for a while. Yesterday was my turn to read.

I hate reading in class. Everyone looks at me and I have enough insecurity and self consciousness without my whole class perpetually staring at me. No matter - I started reading anyway. It started off fine, I was a little halting in my reading but it wasn't anything too bad.

It turns out the story was about a girl who gets raped. It had this insane build-up that lasted for about five minutes of my reading while I knew what was going to happen. Not only is this extremely awkward to read in front of my teacher and my class, so there was alot of tension. My heart was also starting to beat faster and faster and it was starting to get hard to breathe. I was conscious of my loud breathing and shaking and I hoped no one else could tell.

The fact that it took so long to actually happen was killing me. When it was over and I'd gotten through it and the story went on I started to calm a little. I could feel tears pressing on my eyes and I knew that I was multiple shades redder than I would have liked. The class was staring at me. As I read on, almost at the end (thank God), my voice started to get steadier and steadier and I was thankful that I could still read, putting off discussing the story. The few last paragraphs I read clearly, or so I'd like to think anyway. Until I got to the very end.

Translated (not perfectly because I don't even have it with me) it said "And there he was, at her door". He came back. She was coming back from work and he waited at her door. I read it a split second before I said it aloud because my eyes are always a little ahead of my voice. And it wouldnt come out. My voice cracked and faultered. The class looked up from their sheets at me just as a tear came falling down my cheek.


I felt as though I could hear my tear drop crashing down onto my desk. And then it all came at once. I was breathing loudly, my chest rising and falling so obviously that I started to panic even more, making it even worse. They still looked at me.

I was aching for someone to take the attention of me. I uttered the last sentence in a tiny voice I didn't even recognise as my own and tried to pull myself together. The teacher promptly took over and started talking about the story, urging the class to start their discussion. I felt like I was going to be sick.

I was partnered with the boy sitting next to me, who I'm not really friends with. He looked concernedly at me, and touched my arm lightly. I jumped a mile into the air and he looked at me like I was crazy. "Are you alright?" I wanted to scream "DO I LOOK ALRIGHT?" at the top of my lungs, instead I said "I'm feeling really sick all of a sudden". He looked relieved.

The class finished before we could really discuss it. I can't go to the next class. I just can't. I can't believe how innapropriate that story was for the classroom. I was still shaken up on the train home, two hours later. I wanted to run the the bathroom and drag out the knife that I carry everywhere with me nowadays and wage war on my skin.

I felt so pathetic. I couldn't hold myself together even when everyone was staring at me. I am pathetic. The way they all looked at me, I felt like they were pitying me. I felt like nothing. I still feel like nothing. I am nothing.
Tags: panic attacks, school
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