The next day I told her about my dad molesting me (and my sister) when we were little. And I told her that that is what it had to do with and ... stuff like that. She cried and apologised and felt guilty and I hugged her and told her I loved her and no one saw it and blahblahblah. She was still angry that I lied to her - I can understand cause she gets frustrated that I don't tell her anything but it's so difficult. She just doesnt understand it though. My sister and her are alot closer than I am with her so she just says "your sister tells me this that and the other" etc. It's really infuriating.
The tension at home really brings out how shitty school is for me. I don't want to be there and I hate almost everyone there. And they hate me just the same. Even teachers have been targetting me lately. We have a new Biology teacher and she's just, unprofessional and childish and treats me like utter crap because I am quite opinionated and I'm not afraid to speak up to teachers. Atleast if they deserve it, which she did. She flat out called me a liar in front of the whole class and has been complaining to them about me when I wasnt there. She refuses to accept my correct answers and corrects my work lower than the rest. Things are being done about it thanks to my class tutor but it's still really hard to sit in the classroom and be insulted and the like by someone who is supposed to be my teacher, when thats all I get outside of class too.
My boyfriend and I have our first anniversary tomorrow. He was taking me to Amsterdam to do things that are still a surprise to me but now my mom said I'm not allowed to go. It has been the only thing that I have been looking forward to for a very long time. I went into how I was feeling really down and I need to be with Lachlan (the boyfriend) and I don't trust myself alone etc, and she said that I should talk to her and that I'm not alone and what do I mean by that anyway. She often says that its just an excuse to get out of trouble. Yesterday she told me that I am a liar just like my father and the only time I'm remotely nice to her is when I'm trying to get out of trouble, she also says that all I care about is myself and I'm just an ignorant child. Those comments hurt me so much. Especially the one about my dad, which I think was deliberately said only to hurt me.
I'm at my boyfriends right now and I need to go into school later. And then I have to go home straight after and I'm not allowed to go out or see Lachlan until Christmas. Problem is, he's going to Australia for almost a month so I actually won't see him until January. There goes our anniversary, christmas, new year and his birthday... It makes me just not want to go home. I just want to avoid that place and that woman, because even though I love her she doesnt understand me. And although that is partially because of me not talking to her, I don't think that she tries when I am actually doing something about it... Or, she doesnt know how to. I feel so unwanted in that place sometimes. She said "Rebecca, what can you possibly do next?", and now I feel like an utter failure as a daughter. I just really want to stop this all. Lay down and give up. I tried to kill myself last week and my mother doesnt know. Lachlan does, though. At first I really thought he wasnt so bothered about it and because it didnt work he thought it wasnt important. I get that feeling alot about things I do or just when I'm depressed. It's like it doesnt matter because I'm always depressed so it's not new - or something.
I really just ... don't want to go on anymore. I love my boyfriend and I want to have a real life and get a job and go to university and even just finish school. But sometimes it just seems so impossible that I'll ever be normal again. If I can ever just do things like a normal, real person. I don't think I can ever be happy. I don't remember ever feeling happy. I don't know what it is or how to do it. That scares me.