wildwordwomyn (wildwordwomyn) wrote in _survivors_,

More Thanksgiving Cheer

Yeah, so, didn't go to dinner. And Mom showed up banging on my apartment window at 4:30. When I woke up (cause sleeping is so much easier than feeling) and let her in she said some things. All of them wrong. I cried, she got pissed and actually cussed. She told me I still should've called. Yeah, I admit I should've since I'd said yesterday that I would be there. But she basically said I'm tearing the family apart by not being around. Pointed out that we are NOT CLOSE! We never have been. But she said, since he didn't come I still could've been there and spent the holiday with my twin and my sister. Both of whom I never see when they don't need something from me. Then she said that he's her son, what's she to do. She asked me, like I'm supposed to know. Like I'm supposed to be able to fix it somehow. She is the mother! She is supposed to find the answers! Or at least help me find the answers. Instead she made it out to be my fault. Again. When I brought that up she said I was sensitive. How can I not be when she's always saying things that hurt me? She told me about how he didn't wanna come today because I "make" him "uncomfortable". So she accepted that. She was still expecting me. And all I could think was, "Wait, I make him UNCOMFORTABLE? Who gives a flying fuck?!" He can be flat out scared for all I care! I am not responsible for making him feel good when he goes to visit Mom! And the fact that she brought that up was another example of how she always SAYS THE WRONG THING! Always! But I'm supposed to just "move on"? How do I do that? She still doesn't say the words out loud, you know. She still doesn't say that her son molested her daughter. That she even saw him at times, that he should've been punished somehow because he was older and knew better. Instead she asks if I will ever be able to "move on". She even brought up the idea of us losing contact because of how I react when he calls her or comes over and I'm at her house. She brought up that idea, not me. And I cried even more. I couldn't look her in the eye. I just kept wondering how that idea came about in her mind when I never said that. Yeah, I keep my distance from her. I'm not fake, as she said I was. Just distant. But I never wanted to lose my mother. Just want her to love me as if I deserve it simply because I'm her child. Instead she wondered if maybe we shouldn't talk because it seems like it'd be better for me. I tried to tell her how I really feel. I did. But after that first try at telling her I feel like she blames me for her family falling apart and she denied it even after saying it when she first walked in, I gave up. She didn't hug me either. Not once. This is how it always is with her.....Does that sound like she's really so concerned about my welfare? Or more like her own? And his? When she left I locked up and opened the bedroom door where L- was waiting and I couldn't even walk all the way into the room without breaking down. Just fell to my knees and cried and stayed on my knees in her arms for a good half hour. Still crying on and off trying to figure out what to do. Thinking maybe, because she seems to want it, we should take a break. Can I really heal otherwise? I'm not so sure I can. So I wrote a letter and now I gotta decide if I wanna mail it:

Dear Mom,
I've been thinking since you left earlier. Thinking and crying and thinking some more. Because I don't want o hurt you. I never have. But I've been wondering why you don't say it. You've never said it. I was molested, Mom. By my brother. And it is not okay. I can't pretend that it is. You blame me. You say you don't but your anger, your frustration, says otherwise. Honestly I think you resent me for reminding you of how much your family is messed up. You say things that make me wonder if you'll ever forgive me for this. Do you ever ask your son why he touched me? Do you ever confront him with what you know to be true? I'm sorry but he will never be my brother. He will always be my abuser. I can't change this. I can't make it better no matter how much you want me to, Mom. I can't fix it. I can't be held responsible for fixing what's broken in our family. I love you. I do. But I feel like you keep looking to me for answers I don't have. I know this, though. Healing starts when you name the problem. You haven't done that. Instead I've felt like I'm the problem and I'm tired of it. So maybe you're right. Maybe we shouldn't talk for a while. Because I don't know what else to do either. I'm sorry.

Tags: abuse: emotional, abuse: sibling, invalidation, letter: venting
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