wildwordwomyn (wildwordwomyn) wrote in _survivors_,

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Happy Thanksgiving:(

Well, here I am, sitting at my girl's computer, eyes all swollen and nose a little stuffy from crying. Why am I crying? Because I won't be going to Thanksgiving dinner at Mom's tomorrow. Had every intention of going because I felt obligated to. Really I was, but I decided to call earlier this afternoon while I was at the laundromat. Didn't want to. Was putting it off, but I needed to know if he was coming or not. Needed to know if I should be preparing. So I called and left  a message. And didn't hear from her at all. So I called again about an hour and a half ago and got through. Asked when I should come over. Then asked if he was coming. Have a right to know, right? If my abuser was coming? So I waited to hear the answer. Turns out he's not coming for whatever reason. And because I asked about him she said, "If he was coming, then I guess you wouldn't be, would you? So he's not coming." Mind you, she didn't make that decision. She never does. He's just not coming because...(Enter excuse here.) I said I'd see her tomorrow and she said goodbye then hung up before I could say anything else. And at first I was so damn pissed. I'm a good person. I'm a little screwed in the head, but I'm still a GOOD PERSON! And all she could do was basically blame me ( her implications are the same as being directly blamed) for him not coming, knowing I probably have nothing to do with him being a dick. He's just a dick. Always has been, always will be. She knows this, but she feels like I'm somehow to blame. She will never forgive me for pointing this out to her. For being a reminder that he is not the greatest after all, meaning he abused me...Her son is a bastard. So what? Other mothers have bastards for sons. They don't blame their daughters for this, do they? It's not my fault he isn't everything she wants him to be. I didn't stop him from becoming an upstanding citizen. He did that all on his own. Aaaaauuuuggggghhhhhh! It drives me crazy because even when I'm pissed that she does this I also still have to fight not to feel unworthy! My girlfriend treats me better than my mother. How sad is that? Really? That for all her faults and all our issues, a young woman I've known 2 years cares more about my welfare than the woman who gave birth to me? So I'm not going tomorrow. I'm just not showing up. Why should I? She doesn't have the courtesy to care how I feel then I shouldn't be made responsible for how she feels. Besides, I'm tired of always giving my all and only getting an inch for my efforts. For once I'm gonna stop giving. Period. L- will be at her cousin's tomorrow for dinner so I might be eating alone. But you know what? It's better than dealing with my mother. I'm tired of having to constantly deal with my mother when she doesn't want to deal with me. When she wants to pretend that I should forget and forgive and just accept that he is family no matter what. Well, fuck that! Not tonight. Not tomorrow. Tomorrow I won't forget or forgive. Tomorrow I will be pissed because I have EVERY RIGHT TO BE PISSED! Worse part is, I could call her and tell her why I won't be there, could tell her about how much it hurts to be second best to the child that is forever breaking her heart in some way or another, and it wouldn't matter. She would still blame me. It would still be my fault. Her family being fucked up would be because of me. As usual. And I don't wanna hear it. She doesn't wanna hear me. She never should've been a mother. Honestly. She loves us because she has to. Well, I don't know what her thing is with him other than he's the first son. But my older sister, my twin brother and me? She loves us because we are her children, not because we are who we are. And that's terrible. That my mother would rather live in a dream world than the real one. That she'd rather like who she wants us to be than who we really are. So I'm done for now. Don't have the energy to fight. Maybe I'll try again some other time, or maybe I'll let her go until she can act like a mother should. Don't know. But right now I know this: she is never what I need, and I can never be what she needs. So I'm done...

Of course, I say this and a week or two from now she'll probably pretend this "episode" never happened and call me to fix her cell phone or tv or something equally stupid, and I'll answer the call because she's my mother. Still trying and mostly failing to get over that whole thing about believing if she doesn't love me no one can.
Tags: abuse: sibling, invalidation, victim-blaming

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