wildwordwomyn (wildwordwomyn) wrote in _survivors_,

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Update About Temp and Other Stuff

Well, this morning I received the gift that he's been making for me all this time. It's a necklace with different beads. But they're all purple. And it's really pretty. Not that I wear a lot of purple so I wouldn't wear it often, but I think I'm gonna keep it. I just won't feel the need to change my attitude toward him. He's still just a temp at my office, and he still talks too much. He still comes off as desperate for women's attention and I still wouldn't trust him as far as I cold throw him, which isn't even an inch, but I'm taking the gift graciously as just that. A gift that holds no responsibility. So...yeah...

By the way, had a crying session with L- last night. Seems she gets jealous about my fanfic because it's gay. She wants straight erotica like I used to write before we got together. Had to finally tell her that was all for her, because I wanted her so much. That it was/is hard for me to write, to imagine. That I need big prompts and my head has to be there, and the truth is 99% of the time it simply isn't. So she cried, said it felt like I wasn't giving the same attention to wooing her that I did in the beginning, which made me feel bad. Until we both realized I still like to woo her, just in little ways now that don't necessarily involve my writing. We also both decided she wants more attention than I can give her at times. I think it's hard for her because she doesn't have something in her life to keep her going like I do with my writing. So she apologized and we both cried and I promised to never let her hold me back when I need to write. I won't anyway, but it made her feel better to hear me say it out loud. And I will be more patient with her need for attention. It's understandable with her dysfunctional family. I'm learning to ride these times out, and she's learning that writing for me is a need that hopefully will never go away. Learning sucks at times. But we're still here, talking it out, crying it out, working it out. And that helps me to believe more and more that her love for me is not a whim or an obligation. That it's real. I think we're both still learning to believe that we deserve to be loved at all.
Tags: relationships, updates

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