Monday night I had a bad night; I hadn't eaten or taken my medicine and I felt all off-kilter. I felt like a child and I wanted a teddy bear to hold and to suck my thumb (which I never actually did when I was a child).
I couldn't help but think of how helpless I felt when the abuse would happen; I was so small compared to my father that there was no way in hell I could fight him off. Plus I was terrified and confused. I felt that way Monday night, helpless and terrified and confused.
So last night, I bought myself a teddy bear; it's a nice big blond teddy bear with big brown eyes and a friendly smile and it's very soft and snuggly. I slept with it last night and slept better than I have in a long time.
I also gave it a nice long hug this morning before I got out of bed, and another one when I was in my room looking for tissues (I cut my toe on our new floor mat for under the computer chair, and I needed a tissue to clean up my toe).
I feel a little silly sleeping with a teddy bear at my age (I'll be 32 in January), but I feel so much better with the teddy bear to snuggle.
I haven't had a teddy bear in a long time, and it just feels so good to hug it. It's almost as good as being cuddled by my boyfriend (who mercifully loves to cuddle me). And last night I got both snuggles from my boyfriend and my teddy bear, which I think is why I slept so well.
I know that we survivors need to do whatever we need to do to feel better, but as I said, I feel a little silly sleeping with a teddy bear at my age. Is this normal or okay?