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Okay, so I've been freaking out all week. I'm not really sure why,… 
2nd-Nov-2007 10:50 pm
keep COOL
Okay, so I've been freaking out all week. I'm not really sure why, but I think talking about it will help since I just totally flipped out on one of my friends for the second time this week. 

First off, I've had a really rough week sleep-wise. I had a really awful batch of nightmares at the beginning of the week where all I was doing was running, and running and there was really freaky/scary things that just seemed strange (I don't even remember what they were) and I can remember it was him chasing me. I just had to run and run and run and I never seemed to get anywhere and I was so tired...

I'm just going to write things as I remember them. I have a problem remembering what's upsetting me until I have a freakout. So it makes it really hard to pin-point and write in any manner that actually makes sense.

My mum apparently called my sister on Wednesday because it was Halloween and she was missing the kids and yadda yadda. I tired to be interested, but I really didn't want to talk about her. I don't like too, especially since she's pregnant again and totally walked out of our lives. But then again, it might not be her fault... so it's really hard to know what to think about her.

Also on Wednesday, which seems to be when my week totally went downhill, my mum's car smelled like my sister's always did. I don't know if I was imagining this or what. But I kinda lost of my grip on reality then. I had no idea where I was and I got really dizzy and nervous. There was some flashbacks to him.

Wednesday, I had HD, which didn't go well. It was really emotionally upsetting for me. We talk about grief and loss and then we segwayed into psychopathy and sociopathy--a subject that I find really interesting. Is that abnormal for survivors, or is that curiosity normal? Is it bad that I understand it better and identify with psychopaths/sociopaths more than their victims? I will say I find my emotions lacking and hard to understand very often and I've worried that I'm a sociopath or even a psychopath more than once.

Again, another Wednesday issue: I tried to/thought about killing myself or at very least hurting myself. It really seemed to come out of nowhere. Like one minute I'm there and the next I'm fingering a knife in the kitchen, wondering if I should use it on my wrist. I did the same later that day and throughout the week with a razor, my pens that have a broken clip (the clip was plastic and snapped off, leaving a semi-sharp piece of plastic), and my metal nail file off my nailclippers.

It really freaked me out every time I did it.

I'm so lost and confused and my one friend's really pissed at me right now because I keep flipping out over stupid things. I have no idea what to do and you all have been so supportive and helpful.
3rd-Nov-2007 04:14 am (UTC)
*hugs* Cause that always seems a good starting point.. I don't think it's wierd that you "identify" with a psychopath/sociapath.. I too find I can identify with them.. I talk a lot about "rage" and "darkness" and that these are very difficult emotions to understand.. sometimes I fear in me that there is a moment that I am so very close to where I could flip a switch and do something incredibly violent.. like kill a load of random people just because it would feel good It's not pleasent to carry that in you but by identifying it, you can control it.

A desire to study that part of the human psyche that can produce this is not wierd. I want to study that too.

As for wanting to commit suicide.. you are not alone there.. for the first time in a long time.. (around that day too) I found myself activly looking for a way to buy a gun so I could end my life... somehow I got through that but it was tough.

As for your friend... if you think they can handly it.. open up to them.. tell them what has happened that has cause this in you.. their support will help to control your episodes and gives you a good support system.. I have one.. it's not great but it helps... and of course you have us. So just feel free to post and you know you will get a response *hugs*
3rd-Nov-2007 04:53 am (UTC)
mercury retrograde is over, emotional and communication fuckups should start clearing up soon..
3rd-Nov-2007 03:34 pm (UTC)
that is good to hear ... Mercury retrograde can be a challenge. I am interested in stuff like that, but have strong obstacles because astrology was used as an abuse tool by my ex.

As for this post ... yes, I think a lot of survivors are fascinated at how the minds of sociopaths work ... I think projecting ourselves into their place helps us try to get a handle on controlling some of our experiences. I am currently reading the book:
Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry; by Albert J. Bernstein

I find myself wondering if I am one of those vampires ... but I think anyone could identify with at least some of the traits.

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