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_Survivors_
A safe space to share stories and ask questions
really long 
14th-Mar-2005 11:04 pm
Brittany the Chipette!
Okay dokey-my history.....I want to write out enough so you have an
idea, but I don't want to load you down too much. We'll see how it
goes...
 My dad (Jim) sexually abused me-4 times at least, possibly more. I
have PTSD so memories come and go, ya know? :-/ Not to fun, but you
learn to deal. The really fun part was, I didn't learn that he had
abused me until about 6 months ago. I didn't know for sure anyways. He
and my mom (who raised me) split when I was 3ish, and my mom, brother,
sister and I moved to California. Jim stayed in Louisiana.
 Court orders said us three kids had to go back to visit 5 weeks
every summer, 3 weeks every Christmas, and every other Easter, I
believe. We only went for summers really-I think we did two
Christmases there. Anyhow-the divorce was not on good terms so to
speak, and my mom and Jim did not speak well to or of each other.
  I go the role of being the "mini-mom" from both my parents. To this
day, I still look on my younger sister and brother as a parent looks
on their children. *sigh* That has a lot involved with it, and drives
me crazy sometimes, but I love those two, and would do ANYTHING to be
whatever they needed me to be for them, if it would benefit them.
 Back on focus: my mom re married when I was 5, to a man named Dan.
He was cool, but didn't really want kids. They split up when I was
9ish. We moved then to live with my aunt, my mom's sister, (the woman
I am actually living with now-but that's not important to this part of
the story! lol) and then moved out into our own condo. My mom started
working, and was what I call "sick" for a long time. Now I know she
was depressed and had issues of her own, but at age 10, all I knew was
she wasn't normal. She would work, come home and sleep, and then stay
up online with men, or having phone sex with random guys at 3am. Money
got tight, Jim stopped paying child support. I stopped doing school so
much in 6th grade, and worked babysitting jobs, gardened, did what I
could. Allison and Alex had great friends that had them over to eat a
lot,k so we were okay. Lights went out a few times, we lost our phone
for a little while once, and when the car got taken, things went
really bad.
 Now trips with my dad had stopped for the years between me being 9
and 12, but I knew something had to change in the condo. So I called
Jim, to see if he and I could work out child support or something. He
said he would pay again if I came out to Louisiana, for the full 5
week, alone. So...I knew Allison and Alex and Mom needed help, and no
one else was going to do anything at all, so I made the deal. I was
abused that summer, and most of it is blocked out of my mind. I left
early, therefore loosing the money I should I have gotten, and didn't
talk to Jim for a long time.
 When I came home 2 weeks later (seriously-two weeks, not even
stretching it out) my mom was living in a new city with the kids and
some man named Jack. He was rich, and they got married soon. At least
mom didn't want to "drive into the freeway wall" like she had told me
before she wanted to do, and we all had lights and food, so it worked.
However (lol-it never ends!) Jack ended up being a pathological liar,
skysophrinic, and an abusive drunk. I had to sneak the kids out of the
window a few times, and go call the police from a neighbor's house. We
lost a lot of plates, tables, lamps, and other such things. Jack would
sit at the dinner table and tell us-in detail-how he was going to drag
us into the street and kill us. Needless to say, that wasn't fun.
  Sooo-I ended up pouring myself into church like nobody believed. I
am still one of the most Biblically knowledgeable persons I know. (not
bragging, just telling how deeply I got involved) My mom came to
church with me a year or so later, and changed her life as well, and
Jack started to cheat on her. He ended up leaving another year or so
later. That was good though.
  Okay-a little out of order, but still. I had started cutting at age
12, right before I went to see Jim alone that summer. I dated a series
of lousy guys: Austin who beat me up a few time sand was really
verbally and emotionally abuse while I was in 8th grade, Devin who was
sexually abusive (but not the way most people think about sexual
abuse...another long story) and emotionally and verbally abusive for
three years after that, and then Josh, who wasn't a loser, but let me
play the role of his mother through our seniors year of high school. I
was raped last summer by a family friend, and have always used/had sex
for pain. It was replaceable with cutting. Not like S/M sex, but just
letting the guy get too rough and hurt me. Devin was probably the
worst, other than Danny-the guy who raped me.
 I traded between eating disorders, cutting, and sex for pain all
through Jr high and high school. *sigh* (sorry-this is longer than I
thought it would be!) I did really well in school, was super girl at
church, was a leader in 4 school organizations, danced in an advanced
class, and was loved by everyone for the over achiever I pretended to
be. My family was crazy at home, I lived with my mom, who worked and
was bipolar, my sister and brother, who both did drugs, and 5 other
people who were "friends". It was an experience. My brother at age 12
ended up going out of the country for a rehab/specialty school, and my
sister got slightly cleaner due to that. Then all hell broke loose
when my dad (Jim) died Dec 21 2003. My brother found out while he was
away, and he had a hard time. My sister cried a lot, and my mom cried
a lot too. I felt nothing. I didn't cry. I didn't freak out. I just
felt nothing.
 There was no service-he was a drunk, drugie cross dresser
(seriously) and none of his "friends" would have come. He left more
debt than the world needs, and left his dad who is 75ish to take care
of it all. I had planned to go away to college at the University of
New Orleans, and I got a phone call from an aunt of Jim's side of the
family (they all live in New Orleans) saying I would kill my
grandparents with my presence here. I didn't have a backup school
plan. Things were hard.
 I started flashing back worse than ever. I'd had flashes and night
mares my whole life, but nothing this bad-ever. I started to
dissociate, and forget how old I was, were I was, and all those
details. Time went on, and I decided to go away to UNO like I'd
planned anyways, and everyone other than that one aunt wanted me to
come anyways. As time progressed, so did the severity of the flashes.
It got worse and worse. I got suicidal in April of 2004, and tried to
kill myself that summer.
 I left for school in August, and loved it. I'd always loved New
Orleans, and being on my own was such a blast. I don't drink or due
drugs, due to Jim's influence, so I just had a good time living on
campus and making new friends. However, after friends went home, and
classes were done, I was alone. And the flashes were worse than
ever-everything was a trigger. The trees, the weather-it was all
reminding me of Jim. And I didn't know why-I still didn't feel
anything really about his death, and I didn't understand why I was so
dirty and mad at myself and felt like such an awful horrible person. I
started sleeping with this guy-to get more pain. That wasn't enough,
so I started cutting too. This guy noticed. He started telling people.
 I tried to see a few therapists, but with no car and little funds,
it never clicked. Long story short (lol-again) I ended up under 24
hour (not even kidding) watch by my friends. I hated it. In all
honesty, I don't even remember much I was flashing SO often. They went
through my stuff and took all my knifes. It was horrible-the bits and
pieces I do remember. My aunt from California flew down, they got my
phone and called my family. I had tried to kill myself twice since I'd
been there. It made no sense. I was doing relatively well in school,
had tons of great friends, and I loved it there. But my mind was such
a mess and I was so sick of hurting. (freshman year of high school I
came down with a medical condition that we now know was in reaction to
the abuse. Anyhow-I have muscle spasms in my chest-and it hurts. All
the time.)
 This is all a blur, so bear with me. In fall of 2004, I ended up
flying back to Cali with my aunt Janet. I had to drop out of the
school I loved, and return to the place I had wanted to leave my whole
life. I lived with my aunt though, not my mom-thankfully. (nothing
against my mom, but it's not the safest place) I did the mental
hospital for a little under a week, and did 5 days-a-week outpatient
therapy for a long time. I started working part time, and stayed with
my aunt at her house.
  Now I am still living in California with my aunt, and I am working
and going to a small school there for now. I will be going back to UNO
in May. I have been self-injury free for over 140 days, and counting.
Therapy only once a week now.
  Currently, I'm on vacation in New Orleans for the next 5 days
finalizing school and all. My boyfriend is here, and he is supportive
of me and all that's happened 1000%. My family here is learning about
what happened to me, and that Jim abused me. A lot of them live in
denial, and don't want to know, and would hate me for saying anything
like that. After he died, they cleaned out his houses, and found child
porn, and still ignore the obvious. Whatever.
  My family is California is awesome and all know, and are as
supportive as they can be. I have a couple good friends behind me, and
I am getting stronger all the time. I was even able to be intimate
with my boyfriend this week, and still be ok! Yay!

 *deep breath* lol So-that's me.
Comments 
14th-Mar-2005 09:11 pm (UTC)
Wow, you have been through a lot of tough stuff...and are still here to tell about it. You are one tough girl! I'm glad that you have a boyfriend that can be supportive and understanding of what you've been through. If anything can make what you've been through easier, a support system is sure it! Good luck in your continued recovery!
23rd-Mar-2005 07:31 am (UTC) - your doing great !!
you are a real survivor ! not that others are not, though. as husband of a wife, who is also a survivor, i want to tell you, and anyone, that there are many men, that think sex abuse is nothing but horrendous ! but i must sadly admit, there are also many immature men, that are callous to a womans feelings, for a number of reasons. pornography, peer pressure, or sex abuse themselves. that does'nt excuse anything though. our society has let these monsters of the hook way too many times.

i feel your pain. not the way you do, of course. but i just wanted you to know, that there are people like me out there, that would like nothing less, than to blow these predators away ! stay on course. Jesus is the way. live in the truth. you are special !
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