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I posted yesterday. I fear I will be posting a hell of alot in this… 
3rd-Oct-2007 09:38 pm
Audio Therapy
I posted yesterday. I fear I will be posting a hell of alot in this community.

When I was twelve I got in with the wrong crowd. When I was thirteen a eighteen year old guy called Marc and I started a relationship together. I was too young, too naive. Too stupid. He raped me for months on end. He would tie my wrists behind my back and hang me by them. He dislocated both of my shoulders on various occasions. He broke my wrist twice, four of my fingers, three toes, dislocated my kneecap, he was the reason for my skull cracking twice, the reason for all the cuts and bruises.

It went on for four years.

After a time, I fell pregnant. I was confused and terrified. I didn't know if it was his, or my own fathers. I went to him. I cried on his shoulder. I loved him. I can't understand it, and I never will. But after all he'd done, I still loved him. He told me he'd make this better, that we would work it out.

He hung me by the wrists every day for what seemed like months, but was only a week or two. He punched me, kicked me, hurt me in any way he could think of that would damage the living creature growing inside of me. He made me do pregnancy test after pregnancy test. And everytime it came out positive.

He was a med student. He was a fucking disgusting monster. He performed an unorthodox, inexperienced abortion on me. I thought I was going to die. After a while. I hoped I was going to die.

I've had two miscarriages since. Both as a result of rape. I think I'm infertile now. I would be very shocked if I wasn't.

I'm schizophrenic. Sometimes I lose control and I think that my baby is still alive. I think that someone is going to hurt it. I'm scared. I don't know what I'll do. I'm scared because when I lose control I really lose control. And all I want in the world is to get my baby back. And I don't know what lengths I would go to to do so.

Thanx for reading.
If there's anything that should be in the cut that I missed, I'm so sorry and if you comment I will change it straight away.
3rd-Oct-2007 08:32 pm (UTC)
I think it'd be best if you added Schizophrenia to the list, just as a warning to others in the community that also suffer.

That aside, I want to say that I'm sorry that that happened to you. Just remember that you are in no way responsible, and do not deserve that kind of treatment, no one does.

I can identify with still being in love with your abuser. It's something akin to Stockholm syndrome, after being isolated and confused, you are forced to anticipate every move of the abuser, to make sure that you're not doing anything "wrong".

Take care of yourself, you deserve it. And don't worry about posting, that's what this community exists for. We're all here to listen.
:: many safe hugs ::
3rd-Oct-2007 08:38 pm (UTC)
Thankyou. I'll do that right away. I was going to, but then I obviously forgot.

And thankyou for all the lovely things you said. You pretty much made my day.
3rd-Oct-2007 08:59 pm (UTC)
No worries, I thought it would be a good idea.

You deserve to have a good day. One of the things that often makes my days awesome is turning up my favourite music and dancing in my seat. Being silly is great, as I've just learned. Give it a try :)
3rd-Oct-2007 08:48 pm (UTC)
I just don't have the words right now to express how sorry I am you were put through this. ::big safe hugs:: He had no right to hurt you like that, to take away your choice about your pregnancy, to put you through something with his hands that is so unsafe for him to do when there are so many other options that are at least safer...

I'm so sorry you lived through this.
3rd-Oct-2007 09:35 pm (UTC) - I just read the Most Amazing information on Trauma.
I heard this woman on the radio at lunch if you ever want to know Why this happenned to you. It's pretty much explained here. Our attachment to our captors is a perverse chemical reaction caused by a natural response to trauma. When the trauma goes on too long we have problem getting well but there is hope... If you can stand to read it...


I hope you can manage to survive all this. You seem to terribly sweet. I am so sorry this happenned to you. I am going to cross post this on my personal journal. This is the best explanation of why abused people end up being abused again that i have ever read.

3rd-Oct-2007 11:30 pm (UTC)
Reading this, my heart goes out to you. I don't think you should give up hope - anything is possible, and if you get to a place in life where you want to have another baby, you could find you could adopt, or go to a fertility doctor. It could be that the two miscarriages were caused by the awful stress of your situation. There are still many roads open before you, and in the future you'll be able to choose for yourself which to take.
3rd-Oct-2007 11:51 pm (UTC)
I simply stagger at your power. You're still here, alive, telling your story. Breathing. It's perhaps the least likely thing you feel, but you are immensely powerful to survive all this.
I truly have faith that you can do anything that you want, and getting better is fully within that grasp.
If you're worried about spinning out of control, can you talk to your doctor about your medication? Shizophrenia is a scary experience, but it can be treated. Keep yourself safe, and don't every get down on yourself for what you're going through. I know how low you can feel when you think you're losing your mind. But you can get help.
And after all this, who wouldn't need help.
*big safe hugs* x
4th-Oct-2007 03:22 am (UTC)
I can't imagine living through all of that... you are so incredibly strong for surviving every day with the memories. He sounds like an awful person, and I'm really sorry for everything you've experienced.
4th-Oct-2007 04:00 am (UTC)
What he did to you was horrendous. I second what the others have said. You are strong. No-one should have to suffer through that, and you made it out.
4th-Oct-2007 02:52 pm (UTC)
No human being should ever have to suffer as you have. That man is no human. He's a monster, and the fact you have been strong enough to come so far and then gather the courage to tell your story... You amaze me. This strength will bring you through this, and never, ever lose faith in that strength.

*safe hugs* if you'd like them.
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