Barbaric Barbie (641th_goldfish) wrote in _survivors_,
Barbaric Barbie
641th_goldfish
_survivors_

Fear

I don't post in here often...

I'm scared.

I don't really know what's going on with me. It seems like I've grown comfortable in chaos; it's the one constant in my life that never seems to leave me. I'm grateful for it.

I'm living in a homeless shelter and I'm only 21. I came to Michigan from California to go to rehab about 10 months ago, and I've been here ever since; I have no family or anything in this state. I committed a series of felonies (during a relapse on alcohol) and have not been able to leave the state, have been unemployable, and homeless for the past 3 months.

What freaks me out, is that I seem to accept my situation pretty readily. I can do what I want, like: Ignore the fact that my family is worried sick about me, ignore the huge elephant-in-the-room (I recently told my family of my sister's sexual abuse of me), engage more thoroughly in my dark relationship with anorexia and bulimia (since family isn't around to do anything about it), and just generally steal, lie, and waste my time.

This is normal to me. I don't know what to do, I'm scared to go enter inpatient eating disorder rehab, I'm scared I might drink or use drugs again soon, I'm scared to face my family, I'm scared of the truth. The little girl in me is screaming for love, but I treat myself with hateful and self-destructive behaviors.

I don't know, I'm just overwhelmed by life. Thanks for listening.
Tags: abuse: incest, eating disorder, female abusers, homelessness
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