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I joined the community a few days ago. This is my first post. I just… 
2nd-Oct-2007 10:44 pm
Audio Therapy
I joined the community a few days ago. This is my first post. I just need to get this all off my chest.

Ten years ago it all started. My first memories. Parents fighting, father shouting, locked in a cupboard, kicked, punched, screamed at, thrown against walls, forced to do things I didn't understand and didn't want.

My dad was unemployed on and off for the first few years. My older sister cried because she couldn't get new toys, new clothes, couldn't go out and do things with her friends; because there wasn't enough money for those things. I cried because my Dad didn't leave the house in the morning. I couldnt care less about those things, I just wanted him to leave.

I was seven when he first raped me. I loved him so much. I didn't hate him. I just wanted him to love me. I competed with my sister who he never touched. He never shouted at her, he never hit her, he never touched her. I'm glad. I would take it all again for her.

I was ten when I started to self harm. And twelve when I first started starving myself. By thirteen I was a drug addict and later in that same year I was raped daily by my 17 year old boyfriend, Marc, and whoever he allowed to help him out. That lasted three years. My dad never stopped in all this time.

And then he left. And not so long after Marc left for university. I found someone new, Zach. I loved him. His step brother raped me while he was sleeping. Once, twice, three times. I never said anything. Later Zach killed himself. I'm glad I never told him.

A friend died of cancer due to drug abuse. Marc came back for the funeral. Decided to stay. He raped me again. And again. He still lives less than half an hour away from me. I bumped into Zachs step brother at his grave. It never stops.

The dreams don't stop. The hallucinations. The fits and freak outs. I can't help the panic attacks or the weird sick fantasies. I can't stop hating myself and I can't stop blaming myself.

I've rambled on for long enough.
Thanx for readingx
2nd-Oct-2007 09:28 pm (UTC)
big *safe hugs* if they're wanted.

i don't really have words that are helpful right now, but i read everything and wanted to offer support to you.

i hope you can find some help here -- it's very supportive.
3rd-Oct-2007 12:01 am (UTC)
On a mod note: Could you add in two trigger descriptions for me? "death of friend" and "incest" would help target the trigger descriptions even better. And thanks already for putting this behind a labeled cut! It's much appreciated :)

Mod stuff aside: Welcome to the community. I'm so sorry to hear of what you've lived through, but I'm glad you found this community. I am also a survivor of incest (from my father), and rape as a teen, so I want you to know that I know how hard it is to talk about all of this. It took a lot of strength to reach out for support, and I want you to know we're here for you however we can be.

Remember - all the nightmares, hallucinations, panic attacks... all of it, is part of PTSD. It wasn't your fault that these people chose to hurt you like this, and it's not a sign of weakness that they chose you. The fantasies are often part of our mind's way of punishing us for our perceived guilt... so the more you can talk about what you've been through, process the emotions, and understand why it wasn't your fault, the fantasies definitely fade away.
3rd-Oct-2007 05:24 am (UTC)
I added to the cut. I'm sorry I missed them out. I hope I didn't hurt anyone's feelings.

And thankyou for your comment. I really appreciate everything you said.
3rd-Oct-2007 03:38 pm (UTC)
No worries - you're new, so it can take a while before you get the knack of which things in specific are triggering. No one sent me an e-mail or anything about it, so I don't think any feelings were hurt
3rd-Oct-2007 02:46 am (UTC)
Good thing that your dad is gone now.

Have you thought of making a police report about any of them? I encourage you to do so, especially if it happens again. Both to help keep yourself safe, and other women as well.

*big hugs*
3rd-Oct-2007 05:25 am (UTC)
I have thought about it a thousand times.
But I still don't know what to do. I have reason to believe that atleast two of the people who raped me will never do it again.
And others, just did it cause the opportunity was there, rather than sought it out, so I hope they will never do it to anyone else.
But I know that its selfish to not report it.
Thanks for your comment.
5th-Oct-2007 11:08 pm (UTC)
I think it would be a good idea to report it even if you can't file charges, in case it happens again. And then, if it does happen again, go to the police and/or doctor for a test right afterwards.

Good luck. *hug*
5th-Oct-2007 11:10 pm (UTC)
P.S. Don't feel bad about not doing it either. My psycho ex raped me, beat me, etc. many, many times, and I never reported it, even when the police asked me flat out. I wish I had now, because he's probably doing the same thing to someone else now..
3rd-Oct-2007 02:02 pm (UTC)
Words cannot express the horror. I am so glad you survived that! I hope you are able to find your healing. I send you safe hugs, if you want them. (((((((((hugs)))))))))
3rd-Oct-2007 03:17 pm (UTC)
welcome to the community

I can not express what i am feeling about what you have been through. I am so sorry you had to go through that but glad you found us here. Unfortunately i understand what a struggle it is, so i know you are very brave to have posted. And it wasn't your fault so try not to blame yourself

*safe hugs* if you would like them
4th-Oct-2007 12:02 am (UTC)
I wouldn't worry about being selfish with not reporting it in the first instance. actually by a long shot for now, because you have been through SO much stuff, and your first priority does have to be your safety, tough but true. Of course, if you *can* report it, you have the chance of getting legal justice for it. But that is not the be-and-end all.
"just" having the opportunity is not an excuse though. This is a way of blaming yourself. You're effectively saying that these fine young men would never have been rapists if you hadn't somehow corrupted them. It really is not like that. There is no guilt on your side. None. You cannot make someone rape you. There is no point of no control beyond a person, a man, cannot be pushed if rape or other physical attack is to be avoided. there is never ever an excuse, and there is nothing the victim does to deserve it.

sistahraven said about everything and much more than I could about the fantasies. I just want to second that they are a normal reaction. And that they do fade. Your main priority is to be safe now. xxxx
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