sapphiremoon76 (sapphiremoon76) wrote in _survivors_,

Up and Down, Down, Down

My anniversary/birthday was thursday and friday. I was kidnapped on the sixth and assaulted in the early morning hours of the seventh. Once I escaped, I spent the seventh in the hospital. This was the first year since it happened.

My birthday, however, was my birthday. I mean, it really was. I've been fearing that it would be a day of mourning and feigned celebration, but that's not how it was. The strangest thing was that on the sixth, I was the most bothered. I cried a little because I thought it wouldn't be my birthday, but I went to bed a little after the times I had been stalked and kidnapped. I woke up at about five am, and went back to bed. These were the trigger times. But, when I woke up, and I knew it was the hours when I found safety, I started to feel this incredible relief as if I had just been free. I kept telling myself all day that this year, I am safe. I could go out to lunch, buy some ylang ylang incense and some lemongrass incense, and not have to deal with hospitals or police. This year it is over. It is one year ago. The reminders are there, but they are more reminders than reality now. I did take some anxiety medication, but I don't think that's why.

Unfortunately, I had a very nasty argument with my partner this morning. He said some things that crossed a line, and I'm saddened by that. Really, it broke my heart. He used the assault from a few years ago. See, we had been broken up for a time. And, that was when I was assaulted in college. I kissed the guy who drugged me before I went unconscious. Yes, I kissed him, but I also told him I wasn't into one night stands and I had an important meeting the next morning and then I blacked out and woke up without my pants on. My partner threw that in my face. I don't know how to deal with that.

He also said that a meeting I had the next day with some scouts from HBO and Paramount was a joke that a bunch of men played on me to get me in bed. The assault happened the night before the meeting. The two had nothing to do with each other aside from that. And I couldn't write what I proposed to HBO after the assault. I didn't get out of bed unless it was to go shopping for six months. I have a shopping problem. I don't mean retail therapy, I mean I spent $16,000 in two months on designer clothes. I think it's a low blow what my partner hit me with. I feel like I'm bleeding inside.  Am I being unreasonable?

I also think its really stupid for him to say that no one would be interested in my talent without my vagina being involved. Where I went to college was very good for aspiring writers. One of my professors was a writer/actor for Deadwood. Another one is listed in Wikipedia as an example of Southern Gothic literature. I've earned other kinds of recognition for my writing. So, I think that to say that I can only sleep my way to success is really cheap.

Am I being too hard on him? Am I wrong? I feel totally degraded and disrespected and humiliated. It seems like my birthday was easy but the aftermath is nothing. Oh, and my boyfriend didn't even give me a birthday card for my birthday. Not because he is broke, but just because he didn't think it mattered.
Tags: anniversaries, kidnapping, rape: stranger, relationships
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