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Up and Down, Down, Down 
10th-Sep-2007 05:48 pm

My anniversary/birthday was thursday and friday. I was kidnapped on the sixth and assaulted in the early morning hours of the seventh. Once I escaped, I spent the seventh in the hospital. This was the first year since it happened.

My birthday, however, was my birthday. I mean, it really was. I've been fearing that it would be a day of mourning and feigned celebration, but that's not how it was. The strangest thing was that on the sixth, I was the most bothered. I cried a little because I thought it wouldn't be my birthday, but I went to bed a little after the times I had been stalked and kidnapped. I woke up at about five am, and went back to bed. These were the trigger times. But, when I woke up, and I knew it was the hours when I found safety, I started to feel this incredible relief as if I had just been free. I kept telling myself all day that this year, I am safe. I could go out to lunch, buy some ylang ylang incense and some lemongrass incense, and not have to deal with hospitals or police. This year it is over. It is one year ago. The reminders are there, but they are more reminders than reality now. I did take some anxiety medication, but I don't think that's why.

Unfortunately, I had a very nasty argument with my partner this morning. He said some things that crossed a line, and I'm saddened by that. Really, it broke my heart. He used the assault from a few years ago. See, we had been broken up for a time. And, that was when I was assaulted in college. I kissed the guy who drugged me before I went unconscious. Yes, I kissed him, but I also told him I wasn't into one night stands and I had an important meeting the next morning and then I blacked out and woke up without my pants on. My partner threw that in my face. I don't know how to deal with that.

He also said that a meeting I had the next day with some scouts from HBO and Paramount was a joke that a bunch of men played on me to get me in bed. The assault happened the night before the meeting. The two had nothing to do with each other aside from that. And I couldn't write what I proposed to HBO after the assault. I didn't get out of bed unless it was to go shopping for six months. I have a shopping problem. I don't mean retail therapy, I mean I spent $16,000 in two months on designer clothes. I think it's a low blow what my partner hit me with. I feel like I'm bleeding inside.  Am I being unreasonable?

I also think its really stupid for him to say that no one would be interested in my talent without my vagina being involved. Where I went to college was very good for aspiring writers. One of my professors was a writer/actor for Deadwood. Another one is listed in Wikipedia as an example of Southern Gothic literature. I've earned other kinds of recognition for my writing. So, I think that to say that I can only sleep my way to success is really cheap.

Am I being too hard on him? Am I wrong? I feel totally degraded and disrespected and humiliated. It seems like my birthday was easy but the aftermath is nothing. Oh, and my boyfriend didn't even give me a birthday card for my birthday. Not because he is broke, but just because he didn't think it mattered.
Comments 
11th-Sep-2007 04:30 am (UTC)
I'm so glad that your birthday was yours. That's great!

I don't think you're being too hard on him, I'd feel disrespected and hurt, too. He said some pretty mean things to you on top of neglecting you at a really important time!
12th-Sep-2007 03:36 pm (UTC)
Thank you! It was really liberating that I could still enjoy my birthday. And put a year of this behind me as well.

My partner, geez, it sucks. He said he's sorry. I left for a while and went to see a movie with a friend of mine. TransAmerica - it was great. And I stayed there overnight because I won't fight. Not pointlessly with my partner. I didn't have anything nice to say or constructive. I felt a little choked by the pain, you know? But, when I did go home, he said he was sorry that he'd been selfish and thoughtless. He didn't make excuses. It struck me as sincere. I'm glad I walked away, and I hope that this does work out in the long run.

Thanks for your sweet words. :)
11th-Sep-2007 08:50 am (UTC)
I'm glad you had a good birthday after all.

I don't think you're too hard on him, I'd feel the same. Saying all those things and not thinking your birthday mattered is very insensitive.
I hope you know you're doing great though, because I think you do, and I also hope you can work things out with him.
12th-Sep-2007 03:40 pm (UTC)
Thanks a lot! I guess I do know I'm doing great. Thanks for pointing that out. I think we worked it out, also. I left for a while, he thought about everything, and we'll see what happens next. Thank you :)
11th-Sep-2007 12:55 pm (UTC)
I am pleased that you had a good birthday :-)

I don't think you are being unreasonable or hard on your BF. He said some really horrible hurtfull things and was damn right rude and disrespectful. I hope you manage to sort things out. *safe hugs* if you would like them
12th-Sep-2007 03:44 pm (UTC)
Thank you!

I think we've worked it out. I'm not afraid of walking away for good if it comes to that, but I think its not going to. I left for a while. When I came back, he apologized and actually talked. You know, he didn't just say the I'm sorry script, and I think its going to be alright. I know it will, one way or the other, but I think he really gets why he shouldn't have done and said those things. If not, I really get that I don't have to live that way. Thanks a lot. :::safe hugs back:::
11th-Sep-2007 01:18 pm (UTC)
Yay for a truly happy birthday! I'm glad it really was your day. :-)

Your bf is a jerk, and it's flat out cruel of him to throw that stuff in your face. You aren't being hard on him in the slightest! You're taking it a lot better than I would have, but I've got something of a temper and a sassy mouth when it comes to stuff like that... I hope things work out, though, that you can show him just how much those things hurt you. *safe hugs*
12th-Sep-2007 04:09 pm (UTC)
Thanks for the happy birthday yay!

I know what you mean about my bf, and believe me, it was hard not to want to throw nasty, nasty words at him! It always is a little, but I've worked hard in therapy over about a decade to learn to handle my anger in a constructive way. Seriously, whenever I get that angry, I hear my former T's voice in my head talking me into walking away. "Jennifer, I know that telling him his penis is much like raw fresh underformed okra seems like the perfect thing to say, but what will it accomplish? The objective is not to give him penis issues, is it, Jennifer?" Somehow, that works ;) ::safe hugs::
11th-Sep-2007 04:05 pm (UTC)
That was a horrible ordeal that you went through last year and I am glad that you were able to take back your birthday and make it a good day for you.

Also, I strongly suggest you talk to your boyfriend. A lot of what he said was malicious and he shouldn't think that it is appropriate.

This isn't an excuse, but (if you two were together at the time) he, too, may be over-stressed about re-living the fear and anxiety he had when you had been kidnapped. It doesn't make the behavior acceptable, but it is easier changed when it is a poor reaction to being overwhelmed; instead of an abusive reaction from being a jerk.

Take care of yourself and I wish you the best of luck :) ♥
12th-Sep-2007 04:46 pm (UTC)
Thanks! We did talk, and I think he gets that the things he said were way out of bounds. We were broken up when the assualt he was screaming at me about happened. However, the last one, we were together, and they really weren't that far apart. Only a couple of years.

He does have some ptsd issues related to it and his own troubles as a kid. The first few weeks after the last time, he had a total breakdown. It was really scary. He was talking to himself and doing things I'd never seen anyone do before. He has insurance, so he was able to see a doctor about it, but I didn't.

I guess I just hoped that this year maybe he'd be there for me. I was limping around bleeding and holding it together last year for him after I was kidnapped and tortured, and he was the one losing it. I mean, I was losing it, but there was no one around who gave a damn. I get how that's traumatic on him, but it was really lonely and scary for me too. And a lot of his breakdown centered around trying to blame me.

He would wake me up in the middle of the night with some phone number and screaming. I was in that city that it happened in researching and writing a book. I had a lot of phone numbers. I had a lot of contacts. I gave up the project and came back to my hometown. I would wake up and show him the blood that was still coming out of my wounds and say, do you think I'm lying?? What is your point? It was like he really needed to blame me. He needed to turn it into something more like daterape so he could leave me. I didn't plan on staying with him. I was about to move back to the place it happened and finish my book figuring that at least it was a place I loved that no one who was supposed to love me would hurt me in, but he stopped being cruel.

It got better. But, I really struggle with the way he treated me initially. If I didn't understand how severe ptsd can affect us, I'd never forgive him. And the other day brought back a lot of those memories. It really felt like the entire world around me and everyone in it had no respect for me. My parents were fighting over my car and other assets they said I didn't need since I had the guy who was waking me up screaming in the middle of the night days after I got out of the hospital. My parents are leeches. They've tried to take every penny I've ever had or made.

The whole thing's been a mess. And it was a time when I needed someone. Thank god for dogs, because that was all I had. My little dog, Spike. And he died a few months ago, but he stuck with me while he could.

I know that when something like that happens to someone you share your life with that it's excruciating. But, it did actually happen to me. It was my body. My mind and memory. I know that doesn't minimize his pain, but conversely, his pain shouldn't minimize mine. And I held it together last year. He should at least give me flowers this year. But, I think we worked it out. Thanks for being sweet.
12th-Sep-2007 05:02 pm (UTC)
That is such a horrible ordeal and I'm so sorry that you had to go through all of that; the trauma and the lack of a support system afterwards.

I hope that your boyfriend is still in counseling, because even with his own problems, he should be supportive of you and making sure that YOU are okay.

I'm so sorry if you thought that my comment sounded like I thought you were being insensitive to him, because re-reading my comment and reading your response that is kind of the feeling I get. You absolutely deserve to have love, respect, support and safety with the people that you have in your life and the fact that he wasn't there for you when you needed him... well he has a lot of making up to do.

Please, also, think about the fact that just because someone has PTSD or other trauma-related issues, does not give someone the right to be unsupportive or cruel.

Take care of yourself ♥
13th-Sep-2007 12:49 am (UTC)
Thanks for saying that, but I knew you thought I deserved to be treated well. I didn't mean to sound defensive. It's just not something that I write or talk or even let myself think about very much - the way he acted after the incident, so when I do talk about anything like that my words can be sharp and hard to find. I'm just kind of stiff about it emotionally so it comes out stiff. I'm sorry. You were very nice and understanding.

And I really do think it's traumatic to be with someone who goes through something like that. I appreciated your sentiment.
13th-Sep-2007 02:33 am (UTC)
Don't worry about it at all. The apology is appreciated, but not necessary. You've been through a lot, and if you are defensive about it it's only natural.

I completely agree.

And if, by chance, you need a smile on this boring, Wednesday (God, I typed Tuesday, the week is escaping me) night, I always find this website full of happy ridiculousness. Take care.
15th-Sep-2007 04:51 pm (UTC)
That's really nice of you. Thanks.
11th-Sep-2007 06:17 pm (UTC)
I'm really glad you had a good birthday. I don't think you are being too hard on your boyfriend though. He was mean to you! You deserve to have your birthday matter to your boyfriend, I think.

I love incense too.
12th-Sep-2007 04:50 pm (UTC)
Thank you! I think I do too.

What's your favorite incense?
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