wildwordwomyn (wildwordwomyn) wrote in _survivors_,

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Thing is, had another appt. with the shrink tonight that I missed. Been nauseous, and now queasy, since about 2pm today. Yeah...Not sure why. Think it's, as usual, a combination of things. Not enough food today, soy milk for the 2nd time in 2 days, tired as hell from dealing with L-'s anxiety attack this morning at 2am, a lingering headache, and an all-around not-wanting-to-work day. Me and my body. I swear, it does shit like this to me every once in a while on purpose just to fuck with me. I wish I could throw up. Is that sad? Can be nauseous for hours, literally. But have to be seriously sick to actually get sick. How twisted is that? So I'm sitting here at L-'s computer wanting to puke, knowing I won't, sure that I'll hardly be able to sleep tonight...Ugh! And there are times when her cat is being waaaaaay too cat-like for my taste. Learning that I am not a pet person. Because I've only ever wanted a fish. And only because I can flush it if it dies or gets sick. How did I ever fall for an animal lover? It's a mystery. As for my mental health I had another panic attack/flash back a couple weeks ago. Same fear of someone coming into my apt. and hurting me. Touching me. L- handled it just as lovingly as last time. (Think I might've talked about it already but I can't remember...) Still don't know what brought it on. Still wonder what was done to me. Still wonder if my mother might've damaged me more with her anger and denial and physical/emotional abuse than my older brother wth his sexualization of me. Still wish most of my past was mine instead of somewhere I can't reach. Memory sucks and the future seems like just a mathematical equation I don't get.

Okay, gotta lay back down. My stomach is thinking mutiny or something...Hope everyone is well. Or at least as well as can be expected. I'll check in tomorrow with the community. Take care all:)
Tags: abuse: sibling, anxiety, flashbacks, relationships
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