Inner Growth Outer Shrinkage (igosm) wrote in _survivors_,
Inner Growth Outer Shrinkage

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Feeling Wretched

I'm emotionally ill. I feel creepy and unsafe and rightously so. My damaged hubster felt it neccesary to hit me last night. He slapped my face.  Shockly there is no bruise. I can't blame it on alcohol.  I don't want to leave him. of course that's the thing to do right. It takes me down deep into depression to think of it. He has to get better though. He is so evil sometimes. Works as an adversary rather than a partner. Takes offense so easily and then turns on you. He didn't like the way I was telling the story of how we got together. He is so worried about what people might think. He always leaps to the worst explaination, something I can't even feature. I said we'd get together at chuch and after we'd have lunch and I would give him a ride home. Then I said he started calling me and I couldn't figure out why, finally I decided that since he was so fabulous I had better pursue him.

Do you understand why this exchange was terrible? Because he thinks I make him sound like a stalker. Do you get stalker out of that? Could any reasonable person get that. Then he started saying unloving half truths about me to my friend. Then he told me that the psychic that predicted our marriage predicted that he'd have 2 marriages. He's never said that before in front of me, and to say it in front of my friend, it was major mental gymnastics not to flip out right there. Should I have flipped out right there. He went on to say I was shallow and not very spiritual at all. And he was continuously increasingly depressing.

In the car we had a huge fight. I know why he saved up the bit about the psychic. he was holding it in reserve to hurt me with later. I know that. He's very twisted. Raised by twisted people. i don't think I did anything wrong but let it hurt me. He's supposed to be my spouce. He's so hypersensative to everthing I say that he feels I am constantly betraying him so he just goes all negative all the time in front of whom ever will bug me the most.

I got him to agree to go to couples counseling. I don't think he realizes that his excessive sensativity will prevent him from having any relationship not just this one.

I keep asking him how I CAN tell the story of how we got together and he responds sarcastically. I tell him he's being sarcastic and I actually want an answer. Next time someone asks me. I am going to refuse to answer because he hates the way I tell it no matter what words I choose. He cannot deny this. He is embarrased that he married me. He's younger and cuter and WAY MORE damaged and completely in denial. What a prize I've got. He wants to interact with my friends, but gets offended easily and writes them off one at a time. He has no friends of his own here. I am not holding him back. He poaches my friends (I considder that a good thing, it's better if I am not the only one he speaks to.)

I hope counseling works. I hate lawyers and courts and all that and it seems like the next step. (I don't much care for movers either).
Tags: abuse: physical, confronting abuser, depression

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