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_Survivors_
A safe space to share stories and ask questions
Feeling Wretched 
8th-Sep-2007 10:23 am
Dark Sky
I'm emotionally ill. I feel creepy and unsafe and rightously so. My damaged hubster felt it neccesary to hit me last night. He slapped my face.  Shockly there is no bruise. I can't blame it on alcohol.  I don't want to leave him. of course that's the thing to do right. It takes me down deep into depression to think of it. He has to get better though. He is so evil sometimes. Works as an adversary rather than a partner. Takes offense so easily and then turns on you. He didn't like the way I was telling the story of how we got together. He is so worried about what people might think. He always leaps to the worst explaination, something I can't even feature. I said we'd get together at chuch and after we'd have lunch and I would give him a ride home. Then I said he started calling me and I couldn't figure out why, finally I decided that since he was so fabulous I had better pursue him.

Do you understand why this exchange was terrible? Because he thinks I make him sound like a stalker. Do you get stalker out of that? Could any reasonable person get that. Then he started saying unloving half truths about me to my friend. Then he told me that the psychic that predicted our marriage predicted that he'd have 2 marriages. He's never said that before in front of me, and to say it in front of my friend, it was major mental gymnastics not to flip out right there. Should I have flipped out right there. He went on to say I was shallow and not very spiritual at all. And he was continuously increasingly depressing.

In the car we had a huge fight. I know why he saved up the bit about the psychic. he was holding it in reserve to hurt me with later. I know that. He's very twisted. Raised by twisted people. i don't think I did anything wrong but let it hurt me. He's supposed to be my spouce. He's so hypersensative to everthing I say that he feels I am constantly betraying him so he just goes all negative all the time in front of whom ever will bug me the most.

I got him to agree to go to couples counseling. I don't think he realizes that his excessive sensativity will prevent him from having any relationship not just this one.

I keep asking him how I CAN tell the story of how we got together and he responds sarcastically. I tell him he's being sarcastic and I actually want an answer. Next time someone asks me. I am going to refuse to answer because he hates the way I tell it no matter what words I choose. He cannot deny this. He is embarrased that he married me. He's younger and cuter and WAY MORE damaged and completely in denial. What a prize I've got. He wants to interact with my friends, but gets offended easily and writes them off one at a time. He has no friends of his own here. I am not holding him back. He poaches my friends (I considder that a good thing, it's better if I am not the only one he speaks to.)

I hope counseling works. I hate lawyers and courts and all that and it seems like the next step. (I don't much care for movers either).
Comments 
8th-Sep-2007 10:35 pm (UTC)
I'm so sorry for what you are going through...not much for words today...just wanted to let you know that I'm listening...safe hugs if ok...
9th-Sep-2007 03:20 am (UTC)
What he is doing is abusive, emotionally, mentally and physically. I don't know that a counselor will work with someone who is obviously so in need of being completely in control and abusive, as he is. He may even pretend to get better just to fool the counselor. I truly hope I am wrong, but I have serious doubts about him ever improving. You need to protect yourself, and keep yourself safe. He does not have your best interests at heart, and he doesn't act as a loving partner would.
9th-Sep-2007 03:23 am (UTC)
Wait, let me rephrase that. "I don't know that couseling will work with someone who is..." Er, sorry about that.
9th-Sep-2007 05:40 am (UTC)
Yes, completely abusive!
9th-Sep-2007 04:13 am (UTC)
I hope counseling works, too. While divorce is full of the frustrations of courts and lawyers and arguments over who gets what, if counseling doesn't work and he continues to take out his own paranoia on you, it would be good for you to be able to get away from that pattern of abuse - especially if it's escalated up into hitting/slapping.

Good for you for talking with him about counseling before things got even more out of control - you're doing a really tough thing in standing up for yourself and doing what's right!
9th-Sep-2007 12:41 pm (UTC) - Thanks
I love that icon all the time but I love it more used on me.
9th-Sep-2007 07:46 pm (UTC) - Re: Thanks
It's one of my favorites, too :)
9th-Sep-2007 05:40 am (UTC)
I hate to say this, I really do, but I think that the sooner you put this man in your past, the better. It seems like he's contolling, oppressive, and abusive. I understand how the lawyers and the court issues can be quite daunting, but this is not sounding like a healthy relationship in the least. :::hugs:::
9th-Sep-2007 06:58 am (UTC)
He is your husband, so you have characteristics that you love about him that made you decide to marry him. Correct? I think that counseling is a wise decision and good for you for facing the problem! Do I think that he will change just based on probability? Yes. Will he? Well, that will be up to him. Healing from abusive or unhealthy ways and lifestyles is sometimes a task too hard and people refuse to do so. It's "easier" for them to stay as an abuser.

However, there are people that can heal and stop being abusers. I think that if you do love him, and if he does have qualities about him that you do admire and respect, that counseling is a good *last* resort. And it is time for it.

But I think you should prepare yourself that he may not be willing to change. It is a horrible thought, and I hate to say that, but it is true. You need to have the discussion with yourself about what you will honestly do if he does not/is not willing to change with counseling. Do you feel you would be able to leave him?

I'm so sorry, honey. I wish you both the best of luck. Know that you are doing all that you can, and that if he isn't willing to do the work then that is on HIM and has nothing to do with you.

*hugs*
9th-Sep-2007 12:39 pm (UTC) - This is exactly it...
Yes I am trying to prepare myself. He's agreed to go to 1 counseling session. Maybe he will like it. I feel like he never had good fighting modeled for him. I'm sure he feels terrible now he's acting like his father.

And then the next day while we are walking, while I am suffering he is stroking my head (which hurts wonder why?) and being all sweet and supportive.

I want to go through conseling for this even if I end up leaving him. I want to have a plan of action of how not to pick damaged people. He thinks I have dragged him down. I know he has dragged me down. It's depressing when you spouce doesn't seem to love you periodically. That's a total drag on your spirit. His affection for me flows like an ocean tide, only I don't know the high and low tides it seems to me random. I think he's Borderline. Which would be fine, if and only if he could do something about it. (I've meet borderline people who were able to make and maintain friendships). I'm hoping the counselor will be attractive to him so he will be willing to come more than once. If not that would be the answer, that the counselors job is to help me be emotionally ready to separate.

I'm so glad I've been lurking here. I need you guys now more than ever.
9th-Sep-2007 04:38 pm (UTC) - Re: This is exactly it...
My abusive exboyfriend also told me, frequently, that I was a downer and I was bringing him, and our whole relationship, down. He would make comments about how a relationship was only as strong as its weakest member, and he would behave as though he thought that weakest member was me.

I agree with the others who have said that counseling is a last resort in this circumstance. He may be too set in his ways to change, many abusive people are. So you may indeed be facing the need for a divorce if you want to live a healthy life. What he's doing is unacceptable. His love for you should be constant, you shouldn't have to be trying to guess all the time about what might set him off.
9th-Sep-2007 04:55 pm (UTC) - Re: This is exactly it...
Best of luck darling.

The change in behavior is very common among abusers. They abuse someone and then show compassion or remorse, and then the behavior repeats. Please do not think that just because he is being sweet right now that the situation is over. Unless he goes through therapy, it will be a continual process.

*hugs* ♥
9th-Sep-2007 08:42 pm (UTC) - Re: This is exactly it...
Absolutely! This is exactly what so many abusers do.
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