My anniversary is my birthday on Friday. I've been working really hard to keep triggers at bay, and it seems like the universe is conspiring against me. Not really, but kind of.
Last week a former friend of mine got into a nasty two day argument consisting of roughly fifty text messages that concluded with her rubbing it in my face that this certain thing had happened surrounding an assault when I was fifteen.
I was assaulted at fifteen. A group of teenagers tricked me into going to the place this happened because I was a virgin. Three of them were girls I'd gone to grade school with and had only reestablished my friendship with them that summer. The girls cheered while it was taking place. I thought I was going to a pool party. There was a pool, but that was not the point of the party.
I went to the police, but because all of the kids who were in the room at the time said I wanted to do it, the district attorney didn't think my torn bloody clothes would be enough evidence to prosecute without a confession from one of them. Part of that was my fault. I waited to tell my parents what had happened because my mother is a rage addict and she is unpredictabe. I felt alone.
Six years later, I was engaged to a man. During our relationship, his mother married the father of one of the girls who was in the room cheering. I can't tell you how painful it was to handle that. I eventually left him after two years of trying to ignore the fact that I couldn't go to Christmas dinners with him because my rapist would be there drinking eggnog happily a part of the family.
Here is what Hollie rubbed my nose in: M clearly picked your rapist over you. That was her way to win an argument about why I felt it was unhealthy for us to be friends. Hollie has been fighting with me about this ex of mine and his new relationship with one of Hollie's friends.
Before M and this other woman, Haze, started dating, she asked me if I would mind because we were supposed to be friends. I told her that the reason we broke up was because of the stepsister and that I never wanted to be with him again. I couldn't do that. So, to me, anyone in their right mind is not going to let their kids play with rapists, right?
Several years have passed since Haze and M got together. Hollie's been out of town for a couple and comes back. Haze stopped talking to me when she and M got together because she didn't want any exgirlfriends around. This means that I didn't know anything about H and M taking their kids to play with the rapist's kids. I didn't want to know.
Hollie came to my house within weeks of the last assault and told me about it. She said that M said Ginger doesn't have a dick, how could she rape anyone? Not only did Hollie tell me all this insane stuff like that, she then wanted to talk me into being friends with Haze.
I tried a hundred times to explain to her that Haze was now a serious trigger for me. And she would yell and scream at me for hours. If she started at my house I'd have to tell her to leave for an hour before she would go. If she would go, she would call all night and send nasty text messages.
This last time, she went too far. I'm not friends with her anymore. Last week she was also caught as a fugitive from some charges against her for identity theft. She called me tonight from jail and made threats against my parents and my self.
She was careful in her wording, but she said she'd be getting out of jail soon and that my parents don't want her to have to come get her stuff because she would make it very ugly. She wanted them to let her family and friends come get it. But I hadn't told her they couldn't, so I took it as a total scare tactic.
She is convinced that either my parents or I turned her in because my parents had found some paperwork showing that she was an identity thief. She's been applying to major companies, like Bell South, and not getting the job because the identity theft outstanding charges have been showing up. She's failed several background checks for this reason. It's easy to assume that someone from a background check turned her info over to the police. They arrested her at work. But, she is convinced that me or my parents are the culprits.
I'm super triggered. Between the nerve wracking fear that Hollie might find some clever way to retaliate, and the way my mom acted, it just brough back nearly thirty years of trauma all at once. I'm scared to actually file a report with the cops because that would only give her more reason to want to hurt me. My mom is like icing on the disappointment cake.
I was doing so well. And then these things happened. I'm just blown away. I'm scared and uncomfortable.
So, she set off a panic attack. I'm scared of what she might do to me. She said at the end, You take care of yourself, Jennifer. You take care of yourself. And it was in this menacing voice. I hang up and have panic attacks.
I tell my mom that she needs to let her cousin get the stuff from her house. My mom insists I go to the police where she acts like a lunatic and as if I'm witholding information from the cops. I tell them what Hollie said and that if she's not getting out I'm not so scared of her.
My mom screams at me that all of my life I've caused her nothing but grief. I've ruined everything she's ever had and now I can't even talk to the goddam police right. I didn't want to go to the cops in the first place. I didn't want to escalate the situation.
I forgot to mention that Hollie went on a long crystal meth binge when she was thrown out of my parents house and the last time I saw her she was trying to get me to let her stay with me to avoid the place she was staying with all the crystal meth. But then she told me that its worse to kill dogs than rape women. And that started the fight that finally ended this long sick friendship.