sapphiremoon76 (sapphiremoon76) wrote in _survivors_,

Good Things

My birthday is next friday.My birthday will also be the one year mark since I was sexually assaulted the last time. There were others as well, so my ptsd is kind of severe at this point. I get triggered from even thinking about going outside. One thing I know from having gone through this before is that it gets better the more that time goes by as long as I keep trying. That means pushing myself past the triggered instinct to hide.

I think that's been a problem in the past because now I have trouble trusting my instincts. I'm scared of everyone I don't know, and that's kind of extreme. I know logically that everyone is not dangerous, but the problem is that I don't know who is and who is not. I can't emotionally afford to experience another violent moment, so I'm really walking on the side of caution.

This week, I've been good. I went to have a drink with an old friend twice. The great thing is that I felt pretty much normal. I only had two drinks each time, so the alcohol can't take credit for my comfort. This is a big deal because I was assaulted after having a drink in a bar. I've gone out with friends on occasion since March, but now I am really getting comfortable in safe situations.

My partner suggested yesterday that we clean the carpets and rearrange the furniture as a way to prevent triggers or calm them for the coming weeks. My birthday is right when the seasons change, and last year that incident left me pregnant as well as traumatized, so the whole month is kind of a reminder of the trauma.

Cleaning the carpets was a great idea, and I decided to throw out everything that reminded me of any past relationships, trauma, or any other negative anything. And there have been piles added to piles of things that will never trigger me again. I'm giving myself a new life for my birthday. Maybe its still me, but its completely reorganized.

I feel like I've taken control of my surroundings and myself. I've made some steps.

The best change that's happened recently is that I started writing again. I am actually employed as a writer, but as a technical writer. This was not my intended career path, but after the last two assaults, I found it nearly impossible to write. Until the past week or two. I have started a new project that is filling me with that creative high. I'm a bit of an addict for it, and having it back is such a liberation.

In counting my blessings, I have a great partner, a new energy, a new puppy, a new creation, and a new birthday coming up instead of a day of mourning. And I have this community. :):)
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Tags: coping skills, healing, rape, triggers: desensitization

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