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I'm not about to live with this. My dad has so much rage, so much… 
1st-Sep-2007 08:17 pm

I'm not about to live with this.

My dad has so much rage, so much anger, so many unresolved issues with his family and his life that he takes it out on us. He yells, he screams. He almost seems bipolar sometimes, the way he goes from extreme happiness to extreme anger or frustration in the span of a minute - almost daily.

He's paranoid. The other night my aunt said something to piss him off and when my brother agreed he told my mom he thought it was because they had talked about it beforehand and had basically "conspired against him" to make him upset.

He thinks that he says things that we should all get and understand. Like when he told my brother and me that he wanted to move the old entertainment center from upstairs to the garage today. Then I see him throwing a fit and trying to carry the entertainment center down the stairs all by himself. He's scratching up himself and the wall. We didn't even know he wanted to do that until about a minute before then, and my brother was going to help him as soon as he got out of the bathroom. Well, I go to help him and he yells at me not to. He drags it all along the floor and outside, scratching the floor all along the way.

He comes back in and we're trying to reason with him, to talk to him. To make him realize that he never actually said WHEN he wanted to move it, just that he wanted to do it today. I try to reason with him, he yells at me. He yells at my mother. I try going upstairs but he blocks my way and just keeps yelling. I tell him that if he hates this family so much he should just leave. He asks me why I just don't leave. So I do.

Now I'm back, an hour later. I don't know what to do. If he doesn't go to therapy or get some help, I can't stay here. I have enough trouble taking care of my own mental health. I don't need this. I just don't know where I'll go.

My mother's told me that if he doesn't change she's going to leave him after my brother and I are finished with college. But I'm not supposed to tell him that, obviously.

Does anyone know the right way we should approach this? Would it be better if one person talked to him? He feels like we gang up on him so often that I feel like if the 3 of us approached him, he'd be very resistant. What should I do?
2nd-Sep-2007 02:38 am (UTC) - I know it seems bi-polar...
But with the paranoia it seems more like Borderline Personality Disorder. If he is abusive, you must all get out. Unless it is his idea, some how, to get help, he probably won't do it. He clearly needs medication and it's not your job to suggest it. The problem with this particular situation is you are trying to solve it. You can't, this is your Mom's and Dad's deal. If I were you i'd try and talk Mom into making the break sooner, It could get worse worse worse and it is not good for you or your brother to try and deal with the crazy person while you are attempting to study. This is the thing. He's undiagnosed righ?. I've met Borderline Personalisty Disorder like people who I get along with quite well. they know what their problem is and they deal with it. He doesn't he thinks he's normal and righteous! The big problem is that he has to see that his behaviour is abnormal and you can't make him see it because you are the daughter not the Mommy not even the wife.

What you can do is look into setting boundaries with him and others in your life that are firm that you are prepared to enforce. I don't suppose there is a way to get yourself out of there? Stay with an aunt, move into campus housing. Get a job and an apartment? You don't have to do any of these things just to considder. I agree that you can't put up with this. he's lost it in a lot of ways. He's going to end up fixing what he broke with his tantrum. it all seems stupid.

I am so sorry that this is happening to you. It seems terribly unfair. Stay safe okay?
2nd-Sep-2007 04:41 am (UTC)
I know someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder, and that's what I thought of as soon as I read this. He sounds like he's very severe, and people with this disorder are incredibly difficult to deal with. Your family should get some advice on how to deal with the situation from a professional who is familiar with BPD. Approaching your father directly will be difficult, and could be counter-productive.

And definitely consider leaving. Whatever you gain from living at home, is it really worth being put through this stuff?
2nd-Sep-2007 11:17 am (UTC)
I don't live at home anymore, and I think you should consider moving out as well. There were always issues at home and even though I learned to set boundaries with my family (my mom and sister mostly) I always dfound it hard to deal with the stress that was caused by their problems, and then there were my own problems as well. Now I'm still stressed out by what's happening with them sometimes, but most of the time I'm able to focus and myself and that's so much healthier.
However, I understand that moving out is not something you can do just like that, it requires money and what not. But like suggested before, maybe move in with a relative or friend?
Take care, and stay safe!
2nd-Sep-2007 09:02 pm (UTC)
I thought the same thing about BPD or IRD maybe. My mom is like that, and there's nothing to say or do to make it better. She only uses therapy as a weapon. She will come home and say the therapist said all kinds of horrible things about me and my dad or whoever she's picking on now. I just have to walk away. I'm sorry you're going through this. It is really unfair.

I would not confront your dad, especially if he is ever violent. I wouldn't think it to be safe for one or three of you to do it. No matter what, he will make himself the victim and that is his way of justifying some kind of abuse in retaliation. That's what it sounds like. I hope you guys are safe.
3rd-Sep-2007 03:11 am (UTC)
It's tough - because one person talking with him about it could be good, but he might think that it's just one person's misconception... but if multiple people talk with him at the same time, he might feel ganged up on.

I think my best advice would be for you, your mother, and your brother to seek the help of someone familiar with Borderline Personality Disorder - as even if it's not BPD, they will have experience in how to confront a situation like this. People with this type of behaviour can be very hard to talk to about it, and a professional would know best exactly what's the best way to go about it.

::big safe hugs:: I'm sorry you're put into this situation... that's not a good place for you to be in.
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