wildwordwomyn (wildwordwomyn) wrote in _survivors_,
wildwordwomyn
wildwordwomyn
_survivors_

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Panic Attack or Flashback?

Monday night, after watching a movie that involved incest, I had either a panic attack or a flashback. All I know is I was in bed and I started getting really scared and crying and my body shook for quite a while. My girlfriend moved in with me on Sunday so a couple friends think that brought it on. Maybe it did, but I'm thinking it was more about the movie. Because in the movie the little girl didn't fight back, was just frozen when her stepdad touched her. Didn't scream or fight or anything. And I think maybe that was me as a little girl too. Frozen. Just got to me, you know? Not knowing what to do so you end up doing nothing. Which makes you, me, feel as bad as actually asking for it. Why didn't I fight? That's what my mom has asked the few times we've talked about it? Why didn't I fight? How do I answer that? Seriously? Because I have no clue. Does not fighting back constitute wanting it? She seems to think so. I know better, but I also wonder...Was I more afraid of him? Or was it that I didn't believe it'd do any good. Did Mom make it clear from the beginning that I wasn't allowed to say no? I think that, unfortunately for both of us, sounds more realistic and more like Mom. How pathetic is that? She sacrificed me to keep her family together? What's really bad is the fact that she sacrificed me not to her husband or boyfriend, but to her son!...

I don't wanna think about this anymore right now. Just wanna eat my yogurt and drink my coffee and start work. Don't wanna be depressed. And I refuse to cry. Course, that's part of what's got me so fucked in the first place. Not crying enough. Ugh!
Tags: abuse: sibling, flashbacks, victim-blaming
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  • 15 comments

  • Thought-Stirring Post: Victim Blaming

    PUBLIC POST After going through abusive situations or mistreatment, many survivors may find it difficult to share what happened with others.…

  • Thought-Stirring Post: Public Entry

    Flashbacks are something that plague many abuse survivors. They can come in the form of nightmares or waking panic attacks. Sometimes it's obvious…

  • *krai*

    cut for suicidal ideation, talk of murder, abuse - physical, emotional, psychological -, police, jail, therapy, hospitalization [voluntary],…