_________ (gabrielledumb) wrote in _survivors_,
_________
gabrielledumb
_survivors_

in need of advice

i am not very good with computers, so if this lj cut doesn't work, i will try to delete it myself.
ok, i am not too sure what my problem exactly is, but it's affecting me a lot right now.
i have had problems with anxiety and dissociation since childhood. i don't know what, or if, there is a particular source of my pain. i have been to therapists, and have gained a lot of postive things from it. i am in a loving relationship now, but it is being ruined. i would like to explain some of the things i am going through, and would like to ask for advice.
ok, night time can be a terror for me. i don't know how else to explain what it is i sometimes feel, except that i literally forget who i am. i loose all concept of who 'gabrielle' is. i get lost in a void, it can be very, very scary.. this has been labeled as dissociation by therapists to me. this is not a new problem, and it is much better than it used to be. my main problem is sex. i have these phases of a couple days where i am completely fine, but most of the time i just can't have sex. i don't know why, but i am literlly disgusted by the thought of myself having sex. my boyfriend has never done anything for me to not trust him, i know it is not him. if i think about sex enough, i get that feeling of lostness. if i try to get past the lostness, and let myself feel the disgust, i sometimes contemplate burning or cutting my vagina because it disgusts me so much. i have never told any therapists or friends about this, or anything with sex, because it is too hard for me to talk about. i have tried very hard to figure out what it is that could be causing me to feel this, and can't come up with anything i can work with.
and so i am asking for advice. helpful stories, books, anything.. i am desperate. i am afraid i will never be able to help this. i really upset and scared.
and ps- i do a lot of studying of existentialism, phenomenology, and anti-dualistic feminism, if anyone has any suggestions for reading.
thank you so much for any help in advance.
Tags: anxiety, dissociation
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