wildwordwomyn (wildwordwomyn) wrote in _survivors_,

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Bad Mood

Not sure how I feel at the moment. Just feeling blah. No, take that back. Feeling a little bad about myself
for not being an animal person. Never had pets before when I lived with Mom, and now I have a girlfriend I love dearly who I want to move in with but she has cats. One adult and two babies, and I've asked her to only bring the adult when we first share a space. Not that I hate animals. But I'm not used to them. At all. So I don't wanna overload myself by having to get used to 3 at one time. Which makes her feel bad. Of course, she's used to living with cats. And she wants a dog eventually. Yeah...I don't think I'll be liking that many animals living with me. Honestly. How do I tell her that. And we went out Friday night with my friend. Everything was fine until we went to a lesbian club. My girl can't dance or get crazy in front of others. Hell she rarely does it by herself. Too self-conscious. Too much history with a family that makes her feel like she sucks at everything so she'd rather not do anything usually. And I'm finally getting to a point where I'm able more often than not to say "fuck it" to most situations I'm afraid of and try something anyway. I almost felt too mature for her Friday, like she needs to be stronger. I snapped at her in the club and felt bad, but I also wanted to shake her! Tried to tell her no one cared how she looked dancing, no one was watching, but all I did was make matters worse by pushing. So why did I push knowing how she is? I don't know. She kept telling me to go out on the floor and dance. I kept sitting with her, standing with her. Can't leave the person I came with like that, you know? No matter who it is or what relationship we have. So I got mad that she thought I could have fun with her on the outside, and she got mad that I thought she could have fun with me on the inside. That was how it felt too. Like she was on the outside while I danced with my friend. So we barely talked until we were about to go to sleep. And we made up for the most part, then made up completely yesterday morning. But there's still a part of me that's not sure how well we'll do living together, or even if we'll be able to last all that long as a couple. We've been together about a year and a half. But we're both so new at this relationship thing, both new at trusting others, both dysfunctional and trying not to automatically bring that part of us into every situation...I don't know.....I don't wanna break up with her, and I really do think she'll start getting emotionally stronger once she moves away from her family. But sometimes I' not sure I'm strong enough to do this. Any of it. Sometimes I feel weak and stupid and ugly and bad. Just wrong all the way around. This weekend has been good for that. And it doesn't help that I'm probably PMSing because that just amplifies my low feelings. Again I feel like I might be too much for her. High maintenance emotionally. Not fair to her. Damn it, don't wanna be depressed. She kept asking if I was okay when I started this entry and I said yes. I lied, gotta tell ya. This is one of those moments where, if I was into drinking or drugs, I could easily become an addict, because right now I'd really like not to feel. But I can't even do that right. Too much dissociation and denial make it very hard to become addicted to anything. Okay, talking about this is actually making me feel worse so I'm gonna end this now. Maybe I can talk her into going to see "Superbad" or something equally as stupid. Something where I won't have to think...  
Tags: depression, fight with partner
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