feetimesamady (phunbee) wrote in _survivors_,

breaking up sucks

I was hit by my ex girfriend of three years once and she was horribly manipulative and mean to me throughout our three years off and on together.  She was the first girl I ever realy loved and I feel like a damn fool for not seeing the truth about our "relationship" earlier.  I was abused by my "father" for 22 years and I would go off on my mom for staying with him for so long and I would talk to my friends extensively when they were in bad relationships.  One of my best friends was invovled with a horribly abusive partner for two years and it made myself and our close circle of friends really pissed.  Now that I finally see the reality of our relationship I feel like a total hypocrite.  

The part that pisses me off is that I am so exerienced in the world of abuse and such (not something I am proud of) but I was so blind to my own reality.  I feel like such a moron.  I have been so distraught because this has triggered so much for me from my past.  After 22 years of physical and emo abuse from my father which I thought I was dealing with very well but I was totally wrong.  I have not dealt with it.  It removed the lump but not the cancer as I have been putting it.  Not.  Happy.  I called some friends the other night totally sobbing and Lindsey Lohan drunk and saying I wanted to die.  I really did.  I feel like at 27 I am too old to not understand relationships or love.  

The real bitch is that the woman I fell for while my ex and I were off again is now moving to another town far away because her mom died and now she needs to take care of her brother is now her only family.  Thus ending any hope I had of us getting together in the future. Not now of course.  I knew that this possible connection would not happen right away seeing as we are both trauma victims.  But then again maybe something could have happened a year or so from now.  That's all over.  I am sooo mad and depressed.  I have been cutting a lot again after a three month hiadeus.  I am so pissed at my life.  Crappy mother, abusive father, bitch sister, emo abusive ex, seen only as a whore and a slut becaus *gasp* I am a girl who is gay and who is sex positive!  WOAH!!! Holy shizz that's crazy talk!  I am pissed.  

Sorry for the bad spelling and poor sentence structure.  I am not even gonna slepp check or edit this.  Thus sorry for the cryptic - esque tone of this post.
Tags: relationships, venting

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