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_Survivors_
A safe space to share stories and ask questions
nightmares 
31st-Jul-2007 10:22 pm
I really don't expect anyone to read this...but if you do....thanks...
Just thought of some more things that could be triggering to some people...talk of pastors, arms being tied together, taping mouth shut, anal rape(just a brief mention), physical abuse running away/scared/crying/etc, there's 2 perps, and double penetration
Ok so for the past 3 nights I've been having nothing but nightmares. They all have to do with people who hurt me. I don't know if I'm just scared that they will find out or what...but part of me is terrified to even be writing this. But I know that I have to get it off my chest.
Ok, just a little background information...I was sexually abused by many people in my life..but this nightmare is only about 2 of them.
Ok...so in my nightmare I run into my father and he's with my old pastor. I can tell they are very mad. My father yells at me and tells me to get over there to them...but instead I run away. After running from them for a little while...I sit down to take a break. They caught up to me in my old pastor's truck. My father tried to grab me and pull me in the truck...but I took off again. I started running down short cuts to try to loose them...but it didn't take long for them to catch up to me. I took off running again...and soon they passed me in the truck. I knew they would be back...so I didn't stop running. In a few minutes the truck passed me again...but I knew it would turn around and be after me again. I kept looking back at the truck to see how close it was...and the next thing I knew my father grabbed a hold of me. Apparently when the truck passed me the first time it was to drop my father off up ahead...and then my old pastor came back to follow me to make sure that I was caught. I kept trying to get free but I couldn't. Then my old pastor came up behind me and pulled my arms behind my back and tied them together. My father sat me back down on the ground and I started running again. I didn't make it too far...before I fell and I couldn't get back up. My father came over picked me up, threw me over his shoulder and carried me back to the truck. He threw me into the truck..and he jumped in. My old pastor started driving down a whole bunch of back roads that I didn't know...and after a short period of time I stopped seeing houses. I knew I was in trouble. I started apologizing for running...but I knew it wouldn't do any good. He pulled off the road...my father pulled me out by my hair and they threw me into the back of the truck. My father told me to just lay there...and I knew I'd pissed him off already...so I just did what he said. My old pastor came up to me and started raping me..while my father just stood there and took pictures of him doing that to me. Then my father raped me while my old pastor took pictures of him doing that to me. I was screaming and crying the whole time...and all they could say was to tell me to shut up, that no one could hear me, or that I was getting what I deserved. After my father was done...I begged them to not do it again. They just looked at each other and smiled. They both climbed up into the truck bed...I started asking them what they we planning to do now. My father hit me across the face and told me to just shut up and take it. That I was really going to like this one. He said it all sarcastically that I knew that I was going to hate it. They rolled me on my stomach and held me there. They cut my shirt off of me. Then my old pastor picked me up and sat me down on his lap. My father taped my mouth shut, then my old pastor whispered in my ear, "This might hurt a little." My father picked me up by my waist, and then started setting me down slowly onto my old pastor lap. I started screaming as I felt myself ripping because of him penetrating me anally, then my old pastor held me down where I was as soon as he was inside of me. My father then penetrated me in the front. I was screaming and crying and begging them to stop as they both raped me at the same time.
That's when I woke up. I can't take the nightmares anymore. I don't know what to do about them...but I can't handle any more.
Sorry the post was so long...I hope I didn't leave out any triggers...I just needed to get it all out....I don't have a lot of people to talk to about it...so I thought I would write it here....
Comments 
1st-Aug-2007 06:27 am (UTC)
Wow, that's a really scary nightmare. <|:-( Are they all this bad?

I can't guarantee any of this will work, but there are a few things you can do to handle nightmares.

You can get a night light, which might make you feel safer, at least when you wake up.

You can use aromatherapy - soothing scents like lavender or vanilla, or just any oil or herb that has pleasant associations for you, in a herb pillow or sachet in your pillow case, or in a scented candle or oil burner beside your bed (burn it just before you go to sleep).

A herb pillow stuffed with anise (you can buy it at a bulk food store) is supposed to be especially good against nightmares. Betony, hyacinth and thyme (another easy one to find!) are also recommended.

You can sleep with a stuffed animal. Or a baby blanket - I sleep with one and I find it quite comforting. I recommend flannel receiving blankets, especially secondhand ones that are already worn soft.

You can place crystals near your bed, or even wear them as you sleep if you can do so comfortably (bracelet, maybe?). For nightmares I'd go with rose quartz, amethyst, smoky quartz and/or blue tiger'e eye. Pink or red calcite would also be good, especially if you use one of each (given the nature of your nightmares). Chrysoprase is supposed to work with the inner child and powerful emotions, also to reduce nightmares. If you use it, you might want to carry it with you during the day as well.

A folk magic tradition holds that placing a knife, door key, or other piece of steel under the bed will ward off nightmares.

You can empower and hang up a dream catcher, or a simple bundle of different-coloured feathers tied together.

One charm after having a nightmare is to, after waking up, describe the dream in detail to the Sun. If you wake up in the middle of the night, try describing it to the Moon. If you can't see her, visualise her clearly.

Try not to do or think about anything stressful for at least a couple of hours before bed. I had to make a mental note not to read The Courage To Heal just before bed. Play soothing music if you can...playing it very softly all night might help, if it doesn't keep you awake. Meditation is good. Sipping herbal tea before bed might work for you - I recommend chamomile.

Having a bedtime ritual will help make you feel in control - you can use visualisation, prayers, chants, candle lighting or whatever else you like.

I hope some of that helps!

Nightmares are a drag. (((Safe Hugs)))
1st-Aug-2007 02:46 pm (UTC)
Yes they are always this bad. Thanks for all the suggestions...I'm going to try a few out tonight.
1st-Aug-2007 12:56 pm (UTC)
i don't have any suggestions, but sometimes it's good just to get it down on paper on type it online. it gets some of the muck out of your head about that particular memory.

hugs, sweetie.
1st-Aug-2007 02:46 pm (UTC)
thanks....
1st-Aug-2007 03:22 pm (UTC)
::big safe hugs:: I lived with nightmares similar to this one for years, so I'm sorry you're having to experience that terror, too. It's good that you wrote it down and got it out - it can help release some of the tension which causes the nightmares, which can sometimes help them ease up.

whirlwitch suggested a lot of the things I've used to help stop my own nightmares, but I wanted to suggest the one that worked the best for me. Find something that, to you, is *instantly* soothing - whether it's a photo that always calms you or a scent that relaxes you (scent is actually the sense most closely linked with emotion, so scents are usually what works the fastest).

Every time you wake up from a nightmare, immediately grab the comfort object. For me, that meant buying a lilac scented candle and leaving it unlit next to the bed. When I'd wake up from a nightmare, I'd uncover it and smell the candle (again, unlit).

What you're doing when you do this is building an association: nightmare = instant soothing. This is the opposite of what your brain wants, as it wants nightmares to make you hypervigilant. If you do this consistently, and build the positive association, your nightmares will fade away. Yes, they will still happen from time to time, but on the whole, my nightmares dropped from having several horrible ones a night to having a mildly disturbing one once a week.
1st-Aug-2007 03:26 pm (UTC)
thanks so much...I will try that
1st-Aug-2007 03:23 pm (UTC)
That really shook me up, and I'm really sorry that you had that kind of a nightmare ***hugs***

Something that someone (I think sistahraven) suggested to me is to have scented candles by you for when you wake up as a grounding tool.


Also, can you be more descriptive in your trigger warning? Like about how you're running away/scared/crying/etc, there's 2 perps, and you talk about anal rape/double penetration? Take care of yourself ♥
1st-Aug-2007 03:28 pm (UTC)
I fixed it for you....sorry
1st-Aug-2007 03:29 pm (UTC)
It's okay :)

Thanks!
1st-Aug-2007 03:31 pm (UTC)
PS I just realized that you had trigger warnings above the cut, and I have no idea what they said. I didn't look :(

Sorry about that!!! *headdesk*
1st-Aug-2007 03:32 pm (UTC)
It's ok...I added the ones that you mentioned that I didn't have...
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