moon_wolf9 (moon_wolf9) wrote in _survivors_,

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I really don't expect anyone to read this...but if you do....thanks...
Just thought of some more things that could be triggering to some of pastors, arms being tied together, taping mouth shut, anal rape(just a brief mention), physical abuse running away/scared/crying/etc, there's 2 perps, and double penetration
Ok so for the past 3 nights I've been having nothing but nightmares. They all have to do with people who hurt me. I don't know if I'm just scared that they will find out or what...but part of me is terrified to even be writing this. But I know that I have to get it off my chest.
Ok, just a little background information...I was sexually abused by many people in my life..but this nightmare is only about 2 of them. in my nightmare I run into my father and he's with my old pastor. I can tell they are very mad. My father yells at me and tells me to get over there to them...but instead I run away. After running from them for a little while...I sit down to take a break. They caught up to me in my old pastor's truck. My father tried to grab me and pull me in the truck...but I took off again. I started running down short cuts to try to loose them...but it didn't take long for them to catch up to me. I took off running again...and soon they passed me in the truck. I knew they would be I didn't stop running. In a few minutes the truck passed me again...but I knew it would turn around and be after me again. I kept looking back at the truck to see how close it was...and the next thing I knew my father grabbed a hold of me. Apparently when the truck passed me the first time it was to drop my father off up ahead...and then my old pastor came back to follow me to make sure that I was caught. I kept trying to get free but I couldn't. Then my old pastor came up behind me and pulled my arms behind my back and tied them together. My father sat me back down on the ground and I started running again. I didn't make it too far...before I fell and I couldn't get back up. My father came over picked me up, threw me over his shoulder and carried me back to the truck. He threw me into the truck..and he jumped in. My old pastor started driving down a whole bunch of back roads that I didn't know...and after a short period of time I stopped seeing houses. I knew I was in trouble. I started apologizing for running...but I knew it wouldn't do any good. He pulled off the father pulled me out by my hair and they threw me into the back of the truck. My father told me to just lay there...and I knew I'd pissed him off I just did what he said. My old pastor came up to me and started raping me..while my father just stood there and took pictures of him doing that to me. Then my father raped me while my old pastor took pictures of him doing that to me. I was screaming and crying the whole time...and all they could say was to tell me to shut up, that no one could hear me, or that I was getting what I deserved. After my father was done...I begged them to not do it again. They just looked at each other and smiled. They both climbed up into the truck bed...I started asking them what they we planning to do now. My father hit me across the face and told me to just shut up and take it. That I was really going to like this one. He said it all sarcastically that I knew that I was going to hate it. They rolled me on my stomach and held me there. They cut my shirt off of me. Then my old pastor picked me up and sat me down on his lap. My father taped my mouth shut, then my old pastor whispered in my ear, "This might hurt a little." My father picked me up by my waist, and then started setting me down slowly onto my old pastor lap. I started screaming as I felt myself ripping because of him penetrating me anally, then my old pastor held me down where I was as soon as he was inside of me. My father then penetrated me in the front. I was screaming and crying and begging them to stop as they both raped me at the same time.
That's when I woke up. I can't take the nightmares anymore. I don't know what to do about them...but I can't handle any more.
Sorry the post was so long...I hope I didn't leave out any triggers...I just needed to get it all out....I don't have a lot of people to talk to about I thought I would write it here....
Tags: abuse: incest, abuse: ritual, abuse: sexual, nightmares, rape: anal, rape: multiple assailants
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